I 'know' my boys are always with me but when you get a message from a medium to verify it, it's just amazing!
I joined this group on Facebook a while ago and hadn't had much joy regarding a message until Monday night. My profile is locked down and unless you are a friend or knew my story you would know things. I'll tell you a couple of key things.
A lady commented telling me a little boy said to tell her his heart was better! I hoped and prayed it was and now I know.
The other thing she said was he likes all the colours which I interpreted it to be in reference to their garden.
The other thing she said and the only person who knew this was my husband.... She said... When you get into bed at night and you wonder if someone has sat on the bed and then you get a tickle on your nose.... That's the boys come to kiss me goodnight! Ahhhhhh! I had known that that they were jumping on the bed and the last week I'd been sneezing when I laid down cos of a tickly nose!
P.s. not pregnant :-) plus confirms no more babies!
Friday 14 December 2012
Thursday 22 November 2012
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
If anyone is reading this, I am sorry but I just feel like I can't talk to anyone at the moment.
I am sat here sobbing because of a stupid mistake by someone else and its not even that big of a deal but for some reason its like the tip of the iceberg.
I want to shout at all my friends and say 'Sorry I am so crap' because I am so emotionally drained at the moment and getting more and more depressive. There is no reason; no trigger, nothing.
My doctor did reduce my anti depressants as she was concerned that my insomnia was due to it being too high but feeling like this now; maybe the insomnia wasn't due to the anti depressants. I am tired still; mainly because princess is waking at night again and the only thing that settles her is a bottle. Bad habit. I know.
Thing is she's grown up so much these last couple weeks; she's not drinking all her bottle at bed time (we still have bedtime cuddles with a bottle) so we put her to bed, awake, with bottle and its empty by the middle of the night and she wants it topped up. Tried taking it away before I go to bed but it makes her worse. Any tips if anyone is reading this?
Tonight, we are going to put her straight to bed and let her drink her bottle by herself (gulp!); see if that works.
Also spied a new tooth this morning too..... but yesterday she was rubbing her right ear and this tooth is at the bottom at the front :-/ #claspingatstraws
I couldn't sleep last night - can't usually when husband comes to bed with me as I am dropping off, he starts snoring, so I wake up to shake him to stop and it continues #viciouscycle
I am also majorily pissed off at falling off the weight loss wagon - 2.5lb on in 2 weeks. I haven't been sticking to it so my own fault really. Going to do clean eating this week to see if that helps..... no fizzy drinks, no crisps, no sweets, no chocolate, no wine #howwillicope?
I do have one concern and I am going to sound majorily stupid for putting this out there but I think saying it out loud even to myself, may help.
I am scared I am pregnant.
Without going into detail, husband had the snip, I have the coil, we usually use condoms too. Snip not been confirmed that swimmers have ceased swimming. But we got caught up in the moment.
I know the likelihood is minute BUT husband said he thinks it would break us up if I did get accidentally pregnant again. At first, I was so hurt and shocked to the core about it; but as the month has gone on; I feel my own worries taking over.
I know I couldn't cope with the thought of another roller-coaster pregnancy. It is just not fair not only on me, but on all those closely involved. Not that I am saying I would terminate the pregnancy, if there was one, but it would take a lot of getting used to.
So it makes me think; if I feel like this, why not do something more 'permanent'? I got the coil as there was no medications involved and it was sold to me that it should stop periods.... not that I have been that lucky. But what would be my options?
Then the other side of the coin...... I can't forget what that medium said to me.... she was right about everything else up until now.... what if I am meant to have another child? She said a boy. A healthy boy. Thing is we wouldn't willing, actively try for another child. So it would be an act of god and I know there are these stories.
See what I mean?! I can't think straight at the moment!
So why do I think I might be pregnant? I have TTC symptoms and if I was trying I would be symptom spotting.
Sore/tender boobs, cramping, and the obvious tiredness.... Struggling to lose weight.... With all 3 pregnancies my tummy has 'swollen' quickly.... Check!
Someone tell me it's not in my head?
I am sat here sobbing because of a stupid mistake by someone else and its not even that big of a deal but for some reason its like the tip of the iceberg.
I want to shout at all my friends and say 'Sorry I am so crap' because I am so emotionally drained at the moment and getting more and more depressive. There is no reason; no trigger, nothing.
My doctor did reduce my anti depressants as she was concerned that my insomnia was due to it being too high but feeling like this now; maybe the insomnia wasn't due to the anti depressants. I am tired still; mainly because princess is waking at night again and the only thing that settles her is a bottle. Bad habit. I know.
Thing is she's grown up so much these last couple weeks; she's not drinking all her bottle at bed time (we still have bedtime cuddles with a bottle) so we put her to bed, awake, with bottle and its empty by the middle of the night and she wants it topped up. Tried taking it away before I go to bed but it makes her worse. Any tips if anyone is reading this?
Tonight, we are going to put her straight to bed and let her drink her bottle by herself (gulp!); see if that works.
Also spied a new tooth this morning too..... but yesterday she was rubbing her right ear and this tooth is at the bottom at the front :-/ #claspingatstraws
I couldn't sleep last night - can't usually when husband comes to bed with me as I am dropping off, he starts snoring, so I wake up to shake him to stop and it continues #viciouscycle
I am also majorily pissed off at falling off the weight loss wagon - 2.5lb on in 2 weeks. I haven't been sticking to it so my own fault really. Going to do clean eating this week to see if that helps..... no fizzy drinks, no crisps, no sweets, no chocolate, no wine #howwillicope?
I do have one concern and I am going to sound majorily stupid for putting this out there but I think saying it out loud even to myself, may help.
I am scared I am pregnant.
Without going into detail, husband had the snip, I have the coil, we usually use condoms too. Snip not been confirmed that swimmers have ceased swimming. But we got caught up in the moment.
I know the likelihood is minute BUT husband said he thinks it would break us up if I did get accidentally pregnant again. At first, I was so hurt and shocked to the core about it; but as the month has gone on; I feel my own worries taking over.
I know I couldn't cope with the thought of another roller-coaster pregnancy. It is just not fair not only on me, but on all those closely involved. Not that I am saying I would terminate the pregnancy, if there was one, but it would take a lot of getting used to.
So it makes me think; if I feel like this, why not do something more 'permanent'? I got the coil as there was no medications involved and it was sold to me that it should stop periods.... not that I have been that lucky. But what would be my options?
Then the other side of the coin...... I can't forget what that medium said to me.... she was right about everything else up until now.... what if I am meant to have another child? She said a boy. A healthy boy. Thing is we wouldn't willing, actively try for another child. So it would be an act of god and I know there are these stories.
See what I mean?! I can't think straight at the moment!
So why do I think I might be pregnant? I have TTC symptoms and if I was trying I would be symptom spotting.
Sore/tender boobs, cramping, and the obvious tiredness.... Struggling to lose weight.... With all 3 pregnancies my tummy has 'swollen' quickly.... Check!
Someone tell me it's not in my head?
Saturday 10 November 2012
Mediumship
Today I had a reading with an unknown medium that works out of one of the local spiritualist churches.
But before I tell you about that, last night the boys came to play! I was laid in bed, trying to go to sleep - been struggling again lately! As per usual, was waiting for the cat to come for some love and there they were.... jumping on the bed! How I laughed and said hi.
I have felt despondent all day and a bit tearful. I ache for them still.
I went to the reading open minded as usual but secretly hoping they will come through for me as they visited last night. They didn't.
However, I learnt a lot tonight and I am reassured they are with my granny which I knew they would be! I always want them to come through and I think my life would be complete if I did hear from them but I have to move on. It was clear from spirit that I cannot care for Princess if I am too caught up with the boys.
Its the guilt factor again. How can I move on? They are still my babies. When is it right to say 'okay enough is enough'? Does anyone know?
Don't get me wrong I am in a better place than 1, 2 or even 3 years ago but still I get pulled back and the medium picked up on it. She feels another year and I would be healed. Has anyone ever done a spiritual healing?
My husband thinks its a load of tosh really and she was glasping at straws but even he couldn't deny it when she was validating me with things we had done today that no one knew about; painting, clothes, tap.....
That said a visit last week with a friend and her mum was good - helped clarify things. I always felt 'odd' for not being scared of death. Don't get on your high horse but I would be at peace if I died tomorrow because it would be my time with the boys and I know they would be waiting for me. However, I want a long life with Princess and Husband first and I know the boys understand that.
Back to the mediumship - there is an excellent medium up north that my friend's mum is going to get me into next year; she understands as she lost her boy when he was born. I think its safe to say she felt the final weight lifted of her shoulders when he came through.
Maybe I am clasping at straws because I want that too? I will never forget, never not hurt, never not miss, but I want that ache to not be constant, I want to know its right, I want them to say its time mummy, we are okay now, give our sister a big kiss....
I wish there was a bloody manual!
But before I tell you about that, last night the boys came to play! I was laid in bed, trying to go to sleep - been struggling again lately! As per usual, was waiting for the cat to come for some love and there they were.... jumping on the bed! How I laughed and said hi.
I have felt despondent all day and a bit tearful. I ache for them still.
I went to the reading open minded as usual but secretly hoping they will come through for me as they visited last night. They didn't.
However, I learnt a lot tonight and I am reassured they are with my granny which I knew they would be! I always want them to come through and I think my life would be complete if I did hear from them but I have to move on. It was clear from spirit that I cannot care for Princess if I am too caught up with the boys.
Its the guilt factor again. How can I move on? They are still my babies. When is it right to say 'okay enough is enough'? Does anyone know?
Don't get me wrong I am in a better place than 1, 2 or even 3 years ago but still I get pulled back and the medium picked up on it. She feels another year and I would be healed. Has anyone ever done a spiritual healing?
My husband thinks its a load of tosh really and she was glasping at straws but even he couldn't deny it when she was validating me with things we had done today that no one knew about; painting, clothes, tap.....
That said a visit last week with a friend and her mum was good - helped clarify things. I always felt 'odd' for not being scared of death. Don't get on your high horse but I would be at peace if I died tomorrow because it would be my time with the boys and I know they would be waiting for me. However, I want a long life with Princess and Husband first and I know the boys understand that.
Back to the mediumship - there is an excellent medium up north that my friend's mum is going to get me into next year; she understands as she lost her boy when he was born. I think its safe to say she felt the final weight lifted of her shoulders when he came through.
Maybe I am clasping at straws because I want that too? I will never forget, never not hurt, never not miss, but I want that ache to not be constant, I want to know its right, I want them to say its time mummy, we are okay now, give our sister a big kiss....
I wish there was a bloody manual!
Friday 2 November 2012
Fireworks
I keep thinking about 2009; why? Because it was just over a month since we said goodbye to my eldest and we went along to the city centre fireworks.
When we got there the sky was black, not a dot in the sky. We walked around before assuming a position for the fireworks and there he was; the biggest brightest star in the sky - my boy.
I sobbed all through the fireworks as he should have been there except he had the best view of all up on his star.
That pain. It's still raw. It's still fresh.
I think about princess and taking her to fireworks but again feels bittersweet and I'm hurting inside.
When does this get easier?
I miss my boys and I almost feel suffocated to the point where I can't say this outloud anymore.
Husband said he sobbed the other night thinking about them - why can't he show me he hurts just as much? Why can't he tell me that it's okay still?
When we got there the sky was black, not a dot in the sky. We walked around before assuming a position for the fireworks and there he was; the biggest brightest star in the sky - my boy.
I sobbed all through the fireworks as he should have been there except he had the best view of all up on his star.
That pain. It's still raw. It's still fresh.
I think about princess and taking her to fireworks but again feels bittersweet and I'm hurting inside.
When does this get easier?
I miss my boys and I almost feel suffocated to the point where I can't say this outloud anymore.
Husband said he sobbed the other night thinking about them - why can't he show me he hurts just as much? Why can't he tell me that it's okay still?
Thursday 1 November 2012
Capture Your Grief 2012
Yesterday marked the end of the project but I didn't complete mine until today; the weather was shocking and the theme was sunset.... Not much of a sunset when you have not seen the sun all day, only the rain!
How did everyone else feel doing it? It's hard as it brings back fresh memories but then it's been cathartic.
It gave me the strength to share a picture of the middle one.... I have never publicly done that before; he quietly assumes position in the house but we don't draw attention to him. This time I was able to say
How did everyone else feel doing it? It's hard as it brings back fresh memories but then it's been cathartic.
It gave me the strength to share a picture of the middle one.... I have never publicly done that before; he quietly assumes position in the house but we don't draw attention to him. This time I was able to say
" Meet my beautiful boy "
Another first, was telling my friends about this place; my sanctuary, my ramblings, my inner most thoughts and feelings.... I love talking on her, I know no one is listening probably but I don't know for sure.
But if you are, then it means you have chosen to listen and hat means the world to me. More than anything.
Rambling now again..., ha ha! Silly old me!
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Spiritualism
Before the boys, I was always a believer but never experienced anything. I guess there was nothing for me to know.
Since my first, I got into it, I needed and wanted to know he was okay and what the future held. I also got it tenfold when my second died. They would always visit my best friend, but she was more 'open' to the spirit world than I was.
In time I learnt, no matter how much you want it, the spirits will only come to you when they feel the time is right.
I stopped searching for answers In the spirit world because it naturally felt right. And since then they have shown themselves in different ways and it is hugely comforting.
There is no right or wrong way to believe; I am catholic and it's not exactly endorsed but I lost faith too.
Since my first, I got into it, I needed and wanted to know he was okay and what the future held. I also got it tenfold when my second died. They would always visit my best friend, but she was more 'open' to the spirit world than I was.
In time I learnt, no matter how much you want it, the spirits will only come to you when they feel the time is right.
I stopped searching for answers In the spirit world because it naturally felt right. And since then they have shown themselves in different ways and it is hugely comforting.
There is no right or wrong way to believe; I am catholic and it's not exactly endorsed but I lost faith too.
Saturday 27 October 2012
Hindsight
Something has bothered me all day and I don't know how to tell my husband or anyone really.
When I logged on to FB this morning, one of my friends had put up a picture from their 4D scan and comparing it their earth born child.
Why the hell didn't I think of that when I lost my youngest son? It may have prepared me more, it may have meant I found the courage to see him when he was born!!!
I am so angry at myself!
When I logged on to FB this morning, one of my friends had put up a picture from their 4D scan and comparing it their earth born child.
Why the hell didn't I think of that when I lost my youngest son? It may have prepared me more, it may have meant I found the courage to see him when he was born!!!
I am so angry at myself!
Friday 26 October 2012
Needing Help
I have always struggled asking for help; its not one of my strong points. Usually, people only know I am struggling when I break down.
Recently, I have been told a few things that I don't agree with and maybe are being mis interpreted.
I was told I was wrong for doing something on my journey to living life as it is. The person that told me I was wrong lost a child at 16wks pregnant and doesn't have somewhere to go for their baby.
I am wrong for having pictures of rainbow with my angels garden.
Is that wrong?
A picture of all 3 of my children together?
They said would I be happy to answer her questions when she's older. Of course I would. She knows her brothers. Not in a morbid way. We will cross the bridge when it comes to it.
How do you judge whether what you are doing is wrong or right?
No one ever said there was a right or a wrong way but we are just doing what feels comfortable.
I have been taking part in the 'Capture Your Grief Project' done by CarlyMarie on my personal Facebook. I have found it so cathartic. It has shown me where I have come from. In the sense of my journey along the path of grief.
I am recognising I am not as bad as I think I am; that I am coping better than I think I am.
How does everyone else feel?
Recently, I have been told a few things that I don't agree with and maybe are being mis interpreted.
I was told I was wrong for doing something on my journey to living life as it is. The person that told me I was wrong lost a child at 16wks pregnant and doesn't have somewhere to go for their baby.
I am wrong for having pictures of rainbow with my angels garden.
Is that wrong?
A picture of all 3 of my children together?
They said would I be happy to answer her questions when she's older. Of course I would. She knows her brothers. Not in a morbid way. We will cross the bridge when it comes to it.
How do you judge whether what you are doing is wrong or right?
No one ever said there was a right or a wrong way but we are just doing what feels comfortable.
I have been taking part in the 'Capture Your Grief Project' done by CarlyMarie on my personal Facebook. I have found it so cathartic. It has shown me where I have come from. In the sense of my journey along the path of grief.
I am recognising I am not as bad as I think I am; that I am coping better than I think I am.
How does everyone else feel?
Monday 8 October 2012
New Friend
On Wednesday last week, when I went to visit the boys, there was a freshly dug grave, waiting for its sleeping angel.
It never gets easier seeing that another child has got their angel wings and another family is starting out on the grief path.
When we went up yesterday, the child has been buried. The last 3 friends the boys got were all boys, their newest friend is a girl.
All we know is her name, one day we may know all about her.
Fly high little princess, look after your mummy and daddy from Heaven and have fun playing with my boys! They will show you around and look after you xxxxx
It never gets easier seeing that another child has got their angel wings and another family is starting out on the grief path.
When we went up yesterday, the child has been buried. The last 3 friends the boys got were all boys, their newest friend is a girl.
All we know is her name, one day we may know all about her.
Fly high little princess, look after your mummy and daddy from Heaven and have fun playing with my boys! They will show you around and look after you xxxxx
Tuesday 2 October 2012
3 Years
3 years? How did that happen?!
As usual it was raining all morning and half hour after we braved the rain the sun came out! Just like previous years.
God how hard it was today. I could remember every detail about leading up to 10.50am but the relation between events and time after that I have no idea.
For example, I don't know what time we left the hospital as the Police needed to see where he collapsed but I know we did leave.
It all passes by in a blur now.
The weight has been lifted - actually, not the right expression but I hope you get what I mean?
As usual it was raining all morning and half hour after we braved the rain the sun came out! Just like previous years.
God how hard it was today. I could remember every detail about leading up to 10.50am but the relation between events and time after that I have no idea.
For example, I don't know what time we left the hospital as the Police needed to see where he collapsed but I know we did leave.
It all passes by in a blur now.
The weight has been lifted - actually, not the right expression but I hope you get what I mean?
Sunday 30 September 2012
Thursday 20 September 2012
The Build Up
I know I have said this before but the build up for me is so much more worse than the day itself.
I am emotionally exhausted by all the different emotions. I wake up recalling what I was doing 3 years ago.
I have lost love for the X-Factor when they brought the new judges in last year but have caught a couple of episodes this time round. I have never been a fan of Gary Barlow, but I want to hold him and tell him to grasp the time he has now as life is soon never going to be the same again.
I want to do that, because I wish someone did that to me.
I know I don't really want to have been told that his time will come to an end as I would have waited for it but to just 'know' that it was going to come. Maybe by him being unwell or something.
That is still the most hardest thing to comprehend. That he was perfect, even the cardiac team said so two days prior to his death.
So why?
Why my baby?
Gosh, don't for one second think that I would wish this pain on anyone else. Not even my worse enemy but I still get periods where I want to scream and shout at the injustice of it all?
I know once the time comes and is gone again, I will return to my new 'normal'; it is just these 142 days where I am completely and utterly in a different universe; like I am watching my very own TV show.
I then feel guilty as my pain, hurt and tears are all different for the eldest than it is for my middle child. It is not that I love him any less.
Different, yes, probably.
People solace me with the fact that it is because I have memories of the eldest, I had him earth bound, but they are both my boys, both children I gave birth too.
When the time comes for him, the pain is still raw too; it's just different.
The word 'different' can explain so many things.
I know I am rambling now but it's like the month of September hits and that's it 'bam'; I become reclusive, my anxiety kicks in big time and I shut people out.
It is not personal, its just my inward battle. Thanks for sticking by me.
I am emotionally exhausted by all the different emotions. I wake up recalling what I was doing 3 years ago.
I have lost love for the X-Factor when they brought the new judges in last year but have caught a couple of episodes this time round. I have never been a fan of Gary Barlow, but I want to hold him and tell him to grasp the time he has now as life is soon never going to be the same again.
I want to do that, because I wish someone did that to me.
I know I don't really want to have been told that his time will come to an end as I would have waited for it but to just 'know' that it was going to come. Maybe by him being unwell or something.
That is still the most hardest thing to comprehend. That he was perfect, even the cardiac team said so two days prior to his death.
So why?
Why my baby?
Gosh, don't for one second think that I would wish this pain on anyone else. Not even my worse enemy but I still get periods where I want to scream and shout at the injustice of it all?
I know once the time comes and is gone again, I will return to my new 'normal'; it is just these 142 days where I am completely and utterly in a different universe; like I am watching my very own TV show.
I then feel guilty as my pain, hurt and tears are all different for the eldest than it is for my middle child. It is not that I love him any less.
Different, yes, probably.
People solace me with the fact that it is because I have memories of the eldest, I had him earth bound, but they are both my boys, both children I gave birth too.
When the time comes for him, the pain is still raw too; it's just different.
The word 'different' can explain so many things.
I know I am rambling now but it's like the month of September hits and that's it 'bam'; I become reclusive, my anxiety kicks in big time and I shut people out.
It is not personal, its just my inward battle. Thanks for sticking by me.
Monday 25 June 2012
Princess's 1st Birthday
A year full of firsts, so wonderful and fun
Our princess has turned one!!!
A first birthday with a child earth bound. Such an emotional day. We have an earth bound one year old. She seem so old now! Not so much of a baby but she will always be our baby.
She was so spoilt by us and all her friends and family! She had a great birthday, minus some last minute dramas from the in laws but it was fab!
I can't believe I have a 3 year old, a 2 year old and now a 1 year old!!!
I feel so old! Ha ha ha!
Monday 18 June 2012
My Birthday & Father's Day
Again the last of the firsts, as it is my first birthday with Princess and Husband's first Father's Day with her too! Though not the first time we have experienced these days with one of our children, earth bound.
Sadly, my birthday wasn't overly celebrated as my mother was in hospital after falling and breaking her hip and ankle.
She apologised and I told her not to be silly; it's not the worst birthday ever and it was important she was well.
I remember my first birthday as a mummy. I got to the ward at my usual time of 8.30am to find the nurses had made me a card from my boy overnight.
I cried!
Then I saw a card from them.
I cried some more!
I dressed him in an outfit that said 'Mummy's Little Cutie'. I never knew what happened to that outfit as I have never found it since.
Had a good birthday though, Princess was just beautiful!!!
For Father's Day, I took Husband to Longleat Safari Park.I had planned to do this with each of the boys but it is just something that never happened and Husband loves Longleat after watching it on TV! I always cope better when we are outside and we had so much fun in the monkey enclosure! Thank god our car didn't get trashed!
For Father's Day, I took Husband to Longleat Safari Park.I had planned to do this with each of the boys but it is just something that never happened and Husband loves Longleat after watching it on TV! I always cope better when we are outside and we had so much fun in the monkey enclosure! Thank god our car didn't get trashed!
Monday 28 May 2012
This Time 3 Years Ago
It was our first wedding anniversary but it was also the start of things changing for our eldest.
He wore clothes for the first time, the next day I got to hold him, then he was extubated... all little milestones but it never leaves you.
For the 142 days I had my boy, I can probably tell you 75% of the things we did (significant things).
p.s Happy Anniversary to the man who is my rock, my soul mate and the most wonderful daddy in the world.
He wore clothes for the first time, the next day I got to hold him, then he was extubated... all little milestones but it never leaves you.
For the 142 days I had my boy, I can probably tell you 75% of the things we did (significant things).
p.s Happy Anniversary to the man who is my rock, my soul mate and the most wonderful daddy in the world.
Saturday 12 May 2012
Coped
Eldest's 3rd Birthday.
It doesn't get any easier, no matter how much time has passed. However, rather than focus too much on the sadness, I love to celebrate his birthday.
It doesn't get any easier, no matter how much time has passed. However, rather than focus too much on the sadness, I love to celebrate his birthday.
Why?
For without his birth, I would never be who I am today. He shaped me.
From the moment he was conceived.
To the moment we were told he was a boy
To the moment we were told he was a heart baby
From the moment he was born
From the countless triumphs from when he was in hospital
From the moment he came home
... From the moment he died...
You see, when I write that and say that, I have the biggest smile on my face, until I get to the last moment. Then I am sad.
Today we had a lovely day as a family, we took them balloons and the cheeky monkeys 'stole' them from under our noses to whisk them up to Heaven. How we laughed. They got caught in over head wires so are still there. Another sign that they are always there!
I made a cake for him, we read some cards. We went for lunch and celebrated his life. Yes there was sadness but also much happiness for the most gorgeous 3 year old Heaven has right now!
Happy Birthday Baby xx
Tuesday 8 May 2012
Struggling...
Today is the 8th May. In 4 days my eldest will turn 3. I am emotionally fragile at the moment.
What would he be in to? What does he look like? What does his voice sound like? What's his smile like?
I am going to have a 3 year old but I last saw him at 4 1/2 months old.
I miss my boy so very much. He was my world, he still is. All my babies are.
It is even harder as princess is being testing at the moment. I want my loving girl back but she's also emotional!
Gosh, this never gets easier.
What would he be in to? What does he look like? What does his voice sound like? What's his smile like?
I am going to have a 3 year old but I last saw him at 4 1/2 months old.
I miss my boy so very much. He was my world, he still is. All my babies are.
It is even harder as princess is being testing at the moment. I want my loving girl back but she's also emotional!
Gosh, this never gets easier.
Saturday 21 April 2012
Guilt!
Having a tough time at the moment with the princess. She is not sleeping through as usual and it's taking a huge toll on me as I am really tired!
I feel like I can't or shouldn't moan about her as she is so precious but it's hard as we try to treat her as a normal child rather than a precious rainbow baby. So shouldn't I be allowed to moan that I am tired as she is being a pickle?
Where is that allowed line? When will it feel okay to moan?
I feel like I can't or shouldn't moan about her as she is so precious but it's hard as we try to treat her as a normal child rather than a precious rainbow baby. So shouldn't I be allowed to moan that I am tired as she is being a pickle?
Where is that allowed line? When will it feel okay to moan?
Thursday 12 April 2012
Career
I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago about the future.
I took voluntary redundancy to be a SAHM with princess but I long to go back to learning and become a midwife. The sad part is as already have a degree, I will have to fully fund it but we just don't have that spare cash right now.
As we were talking, I said to her that I often thought about becoming a doula (http://doula.org.uk/) but a doula who specialises in helping bereaved families on their journey to a Rainbow baby. I know how valuable it would have been to have someone there just to say, you know what, that is normal.
I haven't fully decided.
I took voluntary redundancy to be a SAHM with princess but I long to go back to learning and become a midwife. The sad part is as already have a degree, I will have to fully fund it but we just don't have that spare cash right now.
As we were talking, I said to her that I often thought about becoming a doula (http://doula.org.uk/) but a doula who specialises in helping bereaved families on their journey to a Rainbow baby. I know how valuable it would have been to have someone there just to say, you know what, that is normal.
I haven't fully decided.
New Day, New Thoughts
Feeling a bit better today, but not sure if that is because we are not going anywhere special today. My nerves are shot at the moment but hey ho, spits and spats. Seeing the doctor tonight for a repeat prescription check up so will no doubt pour my heart out to her. I am so lucky to have a wonderful doctor!
Also focusing on trying to shift this weight, why does it keep finding me!!! I have put 2.5lb on in 2 weeks which isn't that bad considering I haven't tracked, been away for the weekend and had Easter but we booked a week's holiday for 6 weeks time and I don't want to be a whale on holiday!!!
Think the weather is reflecting my moods.... sunshine one minute, pouring rain the next!
Ho hum!
Also focusing on trying to shift this weight, why does it keep finding me!!! I have put 2.5lb on in 2 weeks which isn't that bad considering I haven't tracked, been away for the weekend and had Easter but we booked a week's holiday for 6 weeks time and I don't want to be a whale on holiday!!!
Think the weather is reflecting my moods.... sunshine one minute, pouring rain the next!
Ho hum!
Wednesday 11 April 2012
Finding it hard!
I sit here at the cemetery and wonder why it's so hard at the moment.
I sobbed to my boys and apologised for being so sad. I miss them so much and wish for another life where we were altogether as a family.
My friend had been and left yellow roses. I know it's her even though there is no card. She never forgets them, I know in my rational mind no one forgets them but that simple gesture broke me down. My parents visited over Easter and they always visit them.
It's just so hard, my nerves are shot again. I had a panic attack in our local town on Saturday and couldn't relax at the soft play on Monday. Too many people and it makes me claustrophobic and I feel like I'm choking.
But why? There is no significant reason at the moment. I normally find specific times of the year hard - birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
I'll just plod on...
I sobbed to my boys and apologised for being so sad. I miss them so much and wish for another life where we were altogether as a family.
My friend had been and left yellow roses. I know it's her even though there is no card. She never forgets them, I know in my rational mind no one forgets them but that simple gesture broke me down. My parents visited over Easter and they always visit them.
It's just so hard, my nerves are shot again. I had a panic attack in our local town on Saturday and couldn't relax at the soft play on Monday. Too many people and it makes me claustrophobic and I feel like I'm choking.
But why? There is no significant reason at the moment. I normally find specific times of the year hard - birthdays, anniversaries, etc.
I'll just plod on...
Tuesday 10 April 2012
Broody!!
Princess was always going to be our last baby. It is too much of an emotional roller coaster, pregnancy for us. It was hard enough just me and the husband and now we have her too. It just wouldn't be fair.
We always say if we could have the rose tinted pregnancy and birth then we would try again but sadly, we won't ever have that.
A very close friend had a beautiful baby on Friday and the hormones are in over drive. I haven't even met the baby yet so god knows what that will be like.
When I tell the husband he says no outright and then points out we can't have any more children - he had a vasectomy. He has not done his sample yet and I have the coil in and we still use condoms.
The dream would be nice.
We always say if we could have the rose tinted pregnancy and birth then we would try again but sadly, we won't ever have that.
A very close friend had a beautiful baby on Friday and the hormones are in over drive. I haven't even met the baby yet so god knows what that will be like.
When I tell the husband he says no outright and then points out we can't have any more children - he had a vasectomy. He has not done his sample yet and I have the coil in and we still use condoms.
The dream would be nice.
Visiting the boys
Princess is now kind of old enough to understand where we go.
It breaks my heart, to be honest. When you put her down on the ground when you get to the cemetery she goes straight to the headstone and pulls herself up and stands and pats the stone.
Never more than ever have I wondered what goes through her tiny head.
She will also sit there and play nicely with their toys.
When we are at home and we show her pictures of them she looks so intently at them and pats them. We ask her to give them kiss and she gently kisses them.
I wish we were whole as a family.
It breaks my heart, to be honest. When you put her down on the ground when you get to the cemetery she goes straight to the headstone and pulls herself up and stands and pats the stone.
Never more than ever have I wondered what goes through her tiny head.
She will also sit there and play nicely with their toys.
When we are at home and we show her pictures of them she looks so intently at them and pats them. We ask her to give them kiss and she gently kisses them.
I wish we were whole as a family.
Monday 2 April 2012
First Night Away
I went away for the night on Saturday, leaving my husband with the princesses.
With my depression, anxiety, nerves and OCD I had been mentally preparing myself for months. I knew it would be hard.
The husband met the mother-in-law so left before me on the Saturday and I was fine when they left. Then 5 mins later I was crying. The realisation I won't see them til the next day.
I felt lost and apart of me was missing all day but I coped fine.
I did it. I lived to tell the tale. Would I do it again in a hurry, not so sure but planning to make it a yearly thing!
With my depression, anxiety, nerves and OCD I had been mentally preparing myself for months. I knew it would be hard.
The husband met the mother-in-law so left before me on the Saturday and I was fine when they left. Then 5 mins later I was crying. The realisation I won't see them til the next day.
I felt lost and apart of me was missing all day but I coped fine.
I did it. I lived to tell the tale. Would I do it again in a hurry, not so sure but planning to make it a yearly thing!
Friday 23 March 2012
9 months old
My princess turned 9 months old today. Every month is a milestone in itself. She is the most craziest, funny, loving little girl in the world!
She looks so much like her big big brother and hopefully like her big little brother too. She is so cheeky and funny and amazes me every day.
The pain is still there, my heart constricts when I think of my boys and I miss them so much.
As I sit in the garden and wonder and reflect, on all the things I missed with my boys but so thankful to have her.
I was asked the other day if I have relaxed yet with her and to some extent I have but then there is the blind panic of wondering when it will be cut short.
Still not easy!
She looks so much like her big big brother and hopefully like her big little brother too. She is so cheeky and funny and amazes me every day.
The pain is still there, my heart constricts when I think of my boys and I miss them so much.
As I sit in the garden and wonder and reflect, on all the things I missed with my boys but so thankful to have her.
I was asked the other day if I have relaxed yet with her and to some extent I have but then there is the blind panic of wondering when it will be cut short.
Still not easy!
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Grieving
I am not an expert but can only relay through my experiences.
At the time of both boys' death, I shrugged off all advice regarding the whole process.
The phrase 'time is a great healer' came up frequently and to me, this is wrong. Time does not heal. Time allows you to work out what feels right and also how to deal with the pain.
I cope with the pain now better as I have lived with it for nearly 2.5 years now. The pain gets easier to live with.
In time things feel natural. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet but there is no manual to how to grieve.
Do you remember when you had your baby and you would wish that it came with a manual when it's been screaming for hours and is not hungry, dirty, tired etc?? In time you figured out what each cry meant and what they liked etc. Same for grieving. It's all about figuring out what feels right..
Do not let anyone push you in to feeling like you should be further along in the grieving process. This is individual. However, remember it is not just you grieving. Grief can be selfish and it's hard to realise that you are not the only person missing them and upset. Tell people you want to talk about the baby, they are as much of apart of you than anything else.
I always say I have 3 children, 2 in heaven and 1 on earth.
Do what feels right to you.
At the time of both boys' death, I shrugged off all advice regarding the whole process.
The phrase 'time is a great healer' came up frequently and to me, this is wrong. Time does not heal. Time allows you to work out what feels right and also how to deal with the pain.
I cope with the pain now better as I have lived with it for nearly 2.5 years now. The pain gets easier to live with.
In time things feel natural. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet but there is no manual to how to grieve.
Do you remember when you had your baby and you would wish that it came with a manual when it's been screaming for hours and is not hungry, dirty, tired etc?? In time you figured out what each cry meant and what they liked etc. Same for grieving. It's all about figuring out what feels right..
Do not let anyone push you in to feeling like you should be further along in the grieving process. This is individual. However, remember it is not just you grieving. Grief can be selfish and it's hard to realise that you are not the only person missing them and upset. Tell people you want to talk about the baby, they are as much of apart of you than anything else.
I always say I have 3 children, 2 in heaven and 1 on earth.
Do what feels right to you.
Sunday 26 February 2012
February 2012
Too much has happened in this month to have different posts so I am encapsulating it all in one.
The 10th was my husband's birthday. He never got to have a birthday with one of our children prior to this year. In fact, 2010 was the birthday that we found out that our youngest son was also a HLHS warrior. So his birthdays are generally not considered celebratory in his eyes. So, I planned this really special day for him, presents, a big fat chocolate cake, and a day out. He said it was wonderful, because he had it with our princess. When we went to the cemetery, he asked for a few minutes on his own with our boys. He has never asked that of me before. I was hurt and shocked but calmed myself down because he had the right to have a private chat with his babies. I mean, I go to them on a Wednesday with their sister (sometimes she is asleep in the car) so I have that time on my own but for him to actually ask for it, stunned me. I didn't ask him what he talked about with them, that is between them.
The problem with having my husband's birthday is that the next birthday is our youngest son's birthday. Like I said before, the build up is always worse than the day itself. This year was no different. I was emotionally distressed in the whole lead up and I wanted it so perfect for my little man. We spent the day as a family, we went to our babies and dressed up their headstone. I made him birthday cupcakes and he took ages to blow the candle out. We left them 2 cupcakes, one for each of them. As we packed up to leave, we found 2 white feathers! The sun was shining that day and the following day I felt a sense of peace.
However, it wasn't until the next day that I looked at the photos. There were orbs on two of the photos. One of the photos had me in it. You may not believe in spiritualism or the fact that orbs and feathers are signs from our angels but they mean a lot to me. I have often felt the boys jumping on my bed at night. I found the build up hard only because I couldn't 'see' them. I just couldn't picture them. But then they came to me 2 nights before his birthday. I know I am biased but they are gorgeous. A lot like their sister but slimmer. Yes, my princess is a chunk and at 9lb 12oz what do you expect. My eldest was 7lb 15oz and only just made it into double figures when he died.
I pose the question, what do you think happens to spirits when they pass over? I believe that they grow up. I like to think they are dancing amongst the stars and giggling in the sunshine; just like normal 2 year olds.
Normal - a word I don't often use especially in my life. Which leads me on to my next 'normal' milestone. In 5 days, my princess learnt to crawl and also cut her first tooth. It is just an emotional rollercoaster. She is growing up before our eyes; something we never got to experience with her brothers, and here she is and us experiencing them!
The 10th was my husband's birthday. He never got to have a birthday with one of our children prior to this year. In fact, 2010 was the birthday that we found out that our youngest son was also a HLHS warrior. So his birthdays are generally not considered celebratory in his eyes. So, I planned this really special day for him, presents, a big fat chocolate cake, and a day out. He said it was wonderful, because he had it with our princess. When we went to the cemetery, he asked for a few minutes on his own with our boys. He has never asked that of me before. I was hurt and shocked but calmed myself down because he had the right to have a private chat with his babies. I mean, I go to them on a Wednesday with their sister (sometimes she is asleep in the car) so I have that time on my own but for him to actually ask for it, stunned me. I didn't ask him what he talked about with them, that is between them.
The problem with having my husband's birthday is that the next birthday is our youngest son's birthday. Like I said before, the build up is always worse than the day itself. This year was no different. I was emotionally distressed in the whole lead up and I wanted it so perfect for my little man. We spent the day as a family, we went to our babies and dressed up their headstone. I made him birthday cupcakes and he took ages to blow the candle out. We left them 2 cupcakes, one for each of them. As we packed up to leave, we found 2 white feathers! The sun was shining that day and the following day I felt a sense of peace.
However, it wasn't until the next day that I looked at the photos. There were orbs on two of the photos. One of the photos had me in it. You may not believe in spiritualism or the fact that orbs and feathers are signs from our angels but they mean a lot to me. I have often felt the boys jumping on my bed at night. I found the build up hard only because I couldn't 'see' them. I just couldn't picture them. But then they came to me 2 nights before his birthday. I know I am biased but they are gorgeous. A lot like their sister but slimmer. Yes, my princess is a chunk and at 9lb 12oz what do you expect. My eldest was 7lb 15oz and only just made it into double figures when he died.
I pose the question, what do you think happens to spirits when they pass over? I believe that they grow up. I like to think they are dancing amongst the stars and giggling in the sunshine; just like normal 2 year olds.
Normal - a word I don't often use especially in my life. Which leads me on to my next 'normal' milestone. In 5 days, my princess learnt to crawl and also cut her first tooth. It is just an emotional rollercoaster. She is growing up before our eyes; something we never got to experience with her brothers, and here she is and us experiencing them!
Monday 23 January 2012
7 months old
My princess is now 7 months old.
When my first died, I was given the advice that it wouldn't begin to get easier until I had gone through the firsts without him. For example, I knew what it was like to be his mummy the day before he died. I didn't know how to live the first week without him. This pattern continued, 1st month, 1st Christmas, 1st Birthday etc... each one hard. The build up was worse for me than the day. I involuntarily got so worked up prior to each event but the day itself always felt peaceful. Of course there was lots of tears. It got harder once his birthday came round as then it was clock and date watching.
Now with my princess, when she got past 142 days, it was firsts with her. I look at her with fresh eyes every day and she gives me such wonderment. She is my everything. It is not easy, I don't forget her brothers and she will always know about her two special guardian angels. She looks at videos and pictures with a look of familiarity about her.
Life has been, well I guess, easier is the appropiate word. I am not contented as I am not whole, but I am contented because I have her. I 'know' my boys are fine. They don't have poorly hearts in Heaven, they play with each other and all their friends. My grandparents and uncles who have sadly passed are looking after them for us. That brings me back to July last year. She was about a month old and my Uncle died. He had been very poorly with Cancer and we promised to visit with her once we had got into a routine. He had also lost a daughter to a heart problem around 30 years prior so had some knowledge of how we felt. Sadly, he took a turn for the worse and died before he got to meet her. He was the first relative to die since the boys. I found that hard. Selfishly, I wanted it to be me. I want to see them but time again taught me that I have my little girl for now and one day, just one day, we will be reunited.
When my first died, I was given the advice that it wouldn't begin to get easier until I had gone through the firsts without him. For example, I knew what it was like to be his mummy the day before he died. I didn't know how to live the first week without him. This pattern continued, 1st month, 1st Christmas, 1st Birthday etc... each one hard. The build up was worse for me than the day. I involuntarily got so worked up prior to each event but the day itself always felt peaceful. Of course there was lots of tears. It got harder once his birthday came round as then it was clock and date watching.
Now with my princess, when she got past 142 days, it was firsts with her. I look at her with fresh eyes every day and she gives me such wonderment. She is my everything. It is not easy, I don't forget her brothers and she will always know about her two special guardian angels. She looks at videos and pictures with a look of familiarity about her.
Life has been, well I guess, easier is the appropiate word. I am not contented as I am not whole, but I am contented because I have her. I 'know' my boys are fine. They don't have poorly hearts in Heaven, they play with each other and all their friends. My grandparents and uncles who have sadly passed are looking after them for us. That brings me back to July last year. She was about a month old and my Uncle died. He had been very poorly with Cancer and we promised to visit with her once we had got into a routine. He had also lost a daughter to a heart problem around 30 years prior so had some knowledge of how we felt. Sadly, he took a turn for the worse and died before he got to meet her. He was the first relative to die since the boys. I found that hard. Selfishly, I wanted it to be me. I want to see them but time again taught me that I have my little girl for now and one day, just one day, we will be reunited.
Sunday 1 January 2012
Being an Earth Mummy
I will not lie, it was utterly petrifying being solely responsible for her. Although she had been given a quick all clear on her brief stay on NICU; we were scared.
I don't think either of us properly slept for being worried about her. One of the signs that you have a cardiac child is they have cold hands and feet because the blood doesn't reach those parts of the body as it should do. She had a really unsettled night and she had cold hands and feet so I was so scared.
Luckily, the midwife who came round was lovely. She was the on call one so not my normal one and I sobbed at her all my fears and she told me that whilst no amount of words will ease the fear, baby was fine. It is common for newborns to have cold hands and feet.
It took us a long time to relax about having her at home and we spent every minute treasuring her. I guess people would say we should do. About a month in, I realised I was struggling, big time. Not with her but all the emotions. I felt and still feel scared of if having her was going to be cut short. I went to the doctor and went back on the anti-depressants, I did so well coming off them but realise they are the only thing that keeps me balanced. And I realise now I might be on them for life.
Aside from the worries and anxious moments, we loved being earth parents. She brought and still brings so much joy and happiness to our lives.
In the September we had her cardiac check up at the children's cardiac clinic. Last time I was at this clinic was 2 days shy of 2 years previous so I had a lot of emotions stirring up. It was that check up with my first that they told me he was fine but 2 days later he died. My husband sought assurances in the same medics but where I held and still hold anger and resentment to them, I couldn't trust their opinions. It was those very opinions that I trusted with my first.
She got given the all clear, which we knew she would but it was the assurance of knowing for sure. The moment they put the probe on her chest, you could see 4 equal chambers and that was so pivotal for us. We came out of the clinic and I just cried. Every emotion poured out of me.
I still have these moments now, where it gets too much and the only way I feel I can release them is to break down and cry. Part of my problem is that I am stubborn, I want to appear fine and coping when inside I am a crumbling wreck. I normally only admit to people, even my husband, once I have worked through it myself. I can't put it in to words how it feels to have lost not one but two children. To have them taken away from you and knowing you will never see them again is heart wrenching. Everyone says you have your memories of your first to hold onto. But what use are memories when I don't have him. He should be 2 1/2 now, running round, causing chaos. I should also have an almost 2 year old too but again I don't.
I don't mean to come across rude or abrupt when I withdraw from friends, but unless you are in my close network, one of the people I trust implicitly, someone I can say, I am having a bad time at the moment, you may never know that at that time life was shit.
Talking of friends, you do find out who your true friends are when the chips are down. I wouldn't and couldn't have coped without my best friend, she has always known me better than I know myself. I often don't need to say how I am feeling, she just knows. My close friends are just 'there'. The hold my hand, wipe away my tears and then make me laugh. There are a few who should know exactly who they are and how much I love them dearly just for being there.
But then there are the ones who don't know how to deal with you. I have changed, I challenge anyone to walk in my shoes and tell me that my experiences wouldn't have changed them. The hardest thing was accepting that the ones I thought I could count on being the ones who walked away. It took me a long time to come to terms with it but do you know what, it is their lost now.
This is me, I am a mother to 3 beautiful children and my darling cat. 2 of my children play in Heaven whilst one brings the sunshine back into my life. I have depression, anxiety, and OCD. I cannot go to crowded places or new places on my own. I need someone I trust. I only go where I am comfortable to go. One day, I hope to have that confidence back but for now, I cannot do it. I am no way a fountain of knowledge and I can only draw upon experiences I have had.
I don't think either of us properly slept for being worried about her. One of the signs that you have a cardiac child is they have cold hands and feet because the blood doesn't reach those parts of the body as it should do. She had a really unsettled night and she had cold hands and feet so I was so scared.
Luckily, the midwife who came round was lovely. She was the on call one so not my normal one and I sobbed at her all my fears and she told me that whilst no amount of words will ease the fear, baby was fine. It is common for newborns to have cold hands and feet.
It took us a long time to relax about having her at home and we spent every minute treasuring her. I guess people would say we should do. About a month in, I realised I was struggling, big time. Not with her but all the emotions. I felt and still feel scared of if having her was going to be cut short. I went to the doctor and went back on the anti-depressants, I did so well coming off them but realise they are the only thing that keeps me balanced. And I realise now I might be on them for life.
Aside from the worries and anxious moments, we loved being earth parents. She brought and still brings so much joy and happiness to our lives.
In the September we had her cardiac check up at the children's cardiac clinic. Last time I was at this clinic was 2 days shy of 2 years previous so I had a lot of emotions stirring up. It was that check up with my first that they told me he was fine but 2 days later he died. My husband sought assurances in the same medics but where I held and still hold anger and resentment to them, I couldn't trust their opinions. It was those very opinions that I trusted with my first.
She got given the all clear, which we knew she would but it was the assurance of knowing for sure. The moment they put the probe on her chest, you could see 4 equal chambers and that was so pivotal for us. We came out of the clinic and I just cried. Every emotion poured out of me.
I still have these moments now, where it gets too much and the only way I feel I can release them is to break down and cry. Part of my problem is that I am stubborn, I want to appear fine and coping when inside I am a crumbling wreck. I normally only admit to people, even my husband, once I have worked through it myself. I can't put it in to words how it feels to have lost not one but two children. To have them taken away from you and knowing you will never see them again is heart wrenching. Everyone says you have your memories of your first to hold onto. But what use are memories when I don't have him. He should be 2 1/2 now, running round, causing chaos. I should also have an almost 2 year old too but again I don't.
I don't mean to come across rude or abrupt when I withdraw from friends, but unless you are in my close network, one of the people I trust implicitly, someone I can say, I am having a bad time at the moment, you may never know that at that time life was shit.
Talking of friends, you do find out who your true friends are when the chips are down. I wouldn't and couldn't have coped without my best friend, she has always known me better than I know myself. I often don't need to say how I am feeling, she just knows. My close friends are just 'there'. The hold my hand, wipe away my tears and then make me laugh. There are a few who should know exactly who they are and how much I love them dearly just for being there.
But then there are the ones who don't know how to deal with you. I have changed, I challenge anyone to walk in my shoes and tell me that my experiences wouldn't have changed them. The hardest thing was accepting that the ones I thought I could count on being the ones who walked away. It took me a long time to come to terms with it but do you know what, it is their lost now.
This is me, I am a mother to 3 beautiful children and my darling cat. 2 of my children play in Heaven whilst one brings the sunshine back into my life. I have depression, anxiety, and OCD. I cannot go to crowded places or new places on my own. I need someone I trust. I only go where I am comfortable to go. One day, I hope to have that confidence back but for now, I cannot do it. I am no way a fountain of knowledge and I can only draw upon experiences I have had.