My husband had gone back to work a couple weeks after the funeral, he had to go at some point. Better be before I got too dependant on him.
As I look back and reflect, this is probably when my OCD started to kick in. I had to do the same things every day, made the day go quicker and gave me some sort of routine. Except when my husband frantically called me one afternoon from work.
Him: Where have you been?
Me: Down to the glass bin
Him: Why?
Me: I couldn't stand seeing them anymore
Him: Seeing what?
Me: His medication, his milk, his everything. Another reminder of another thing I don't have.
Him: You could have waited, I would have helped.
Me: Well it's done now. It looks so empty. Why us?
Him: I don't know.
Went to the GP. She was as happy as anyone could be when a grieving mother comes to them and says I am not coping but I have just realised I am pregnant too. It was a good thing that I was fertile apparently. I was put on anti depressants.
I checked that the midwife I had with the boy was the same one and called her. She was pleased and saw me straight away. I was referred back to the Fetal Medicine Unit to see the consultant but he wouldn't see me til I was 12 weeks. We had a scan at 8 weeks that we paid privately for. I was still detached.
I still don't know how I got through the minutes, hours, days, months past his death. We did nothing significant, just took each day at a time and did what felt right. My husband was made redundant a few weeks after going back to work following his death. Well, it was more, we are cutting you down from full time to part time to be more economical as we can then cut down on breaks if we have no full timers. Take the half post or the bit of money. He took the bit of money, it wasn't alot but, it the grand scheme of things, he was home with me.
We told everyone we were not going to bother with Christmas as it didn't feel right. I felt guilty a couple days before that he wouldn't see our twinkly xmas lights so I put the tree up, right by the window so he could see the lights, he was my bright twinkling star so he deserved to see the lights from us.
All too soon, I was back in FMU having the scan. The consultant said that he would do fortnightly scans on me as it would allow him to see any changes easier.
12 weeks was fine....
14 weeks - we were told was fine...
but cardiology would be at the 16 week one
16 week was not fine
I hate it when doctors try to talk quietly, don't they realise that you are straining to hear. I don't know why, I could see it for myself. The left ventricle was not formed properly.
Quite
Simply...
Why Me?
Why Us?
They could not say for sure, if they had to, it was HLHS. Based on the scan it was COA, possible AS, but given my history it was HLHS. I was angry but not surprised though. Or just numb. I still cannot describe how I felt.
My poor husband, it was his birthday today. We came to the scan alone with the intention of going for some lunch after. I had to phone my best friend. I simply cried to her: 'I thought lightening didn't strike twice??'
As usual, she dropped everything. Raced to me.
I didn't believe them; they were making assumptions based on my history. They couldn't determine it for sure. They offered a re-scan a few days later.
Same diagnosis. I said I didn't believe them still, I wanted a second opinion. I wanted to go to the best. They got us in to London that afternoon.
Met a lovely consultant. Well, given the circumstances. Wasn't made to feel like a second class citizen. He asked ME what had happened, right back to the boy's diagnosis. He asked me if I was a nurse. I said no, I just arm myself with knowledge.
Baby didn't play ball until the end. At the last minute, baby turned into the right position and the consultant said 'yessss'..... I almost believed it was good news!
He was frank and I appreciated his honesty with me, something I craved.
He looked me in the eyes and told me my baby had HLHS. From the scan he could also see other heart abnormalities but it is without a doubt, he could diagnose HLHS.
Baby Jones the Second, Baby BOY Jones the Second has HLHS.
