Tuesday 26 November 2013

Bear with me....

This is going to be a long one....

Since the boys visited me in that dream, I began suffering insomnia. No hardship really as it meant I could kick start my new business off the ground and I've been talking to a couple of lovely ladies who are also insomniacs.

If you have been reading my rambling a for some time, you know I am a spiritual person, who desperately wants to connect with my boys. I sent the post with the details of my dream to a friend who is a practised medium for some insight.

I had already made assumptions about what the dream could have meant and she confirmed it could be my interpretation but above all, I will be with my boys again.

She did have a Facebook business page which was so popular but she couldn't keep up with demand so has closed it down. Whilst it was open, she did a little competition to win a free tarot reading.

I only blooming won it! 

The tarot read was quick self explanatory and very accurate. She told me if I believed in myself and got guidance I could develop my spiritual side as it is there, just I am afraid to open to it. However, it was the subsequent reading that I am bursting with happiness about.

She connected with the boys! 

No one has ever done that before.

I will not go into specifics on here, but she told me things no one, not even my husband knew. As all good mediums should do, they should bring you things for validation, this are different to each person but again are things she couldn't possibly have known. 

Through her reading, I visualised my boys. Exactly as they came through to her. I can only explain it as watching a TV programme. I could see it as clear as if I was seeing it myself rather than reading it second hand.

I have been on cloud 9 since.

A friend messaged me saying she had a reading by her and wanted to know how my tarot went. I explained to her how amazing and accurate I thought she was. She agreed. We swapped readings and again, through her reading I could see the components of it (I won't be specific as it's not my place to divulge). I relayed it to my friend and it brought her comfort I hope.

I have found this to be so true of late:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

I started a new business venture, well it started as a way of raising awareness for my my charity work but has since grown. But through it I have made some new friends, one in particular is now going to be a life long friend.

We clicked from the moment we started talking and I don't think we have stopped since. She said we were twins, cryogenically separately and born at different times, to different parents, but twins nonetheless. She makes me laugh, she keeps my spirits up and is there when I feel down too. We've known each other probably no more than 2 weeks but feels like a lifetime!

Then at the same time, I have people who I thought I would be friends for life with, but have decided that door needs closing as we haven't spoken in a long time and I felt and feel that someone needed to make the first move. So I did. I'll be doing another 'clear out' after Christmas but for now, all is good in the world of friendship! 

I've started putting my ramblings 'out there' a bit more, suggesting to bereaved parents they can read my ramblings if they feel it may help. I never wanted this to be a 'LOOK AT ME' kind of blog but you never know whether the 6 degrees of separation may find that someone who is in need of reading that out of darkness, light can come. So I am going to try to 'share' more, of course anonymously, so feel free to do the same, if anyone is still reading this! 

<3


Monday 11 November 2013

Dreaming of You

I need to write this down because I never want to forget. I can't get motivated as it's still in my head.

I dreamt of you both last night.

I was in a queue to process adoption papers and was extremely nervous. There were two women in front of me. The one being dealt with, was granted fast track. I gulped down some beer (I don't drink beer!), to settle the nerves.

The lady in front of me, I know from my real Facebook friends, she lost her daughter Megan before my eldest died. She's asked if she had any alcohol today and she said 'Yes - to settle my nerves'. She was told off for it.

I quick turn to the person who is with me, I can't tell if they are male or female, getting hysterical, they pass me some chewing gum and reassure me, it was only a mouthful.

The lady in front of me is denied because she drank alcohol.

I am panicking now.

My turn.

The lady checks over my paperwork, all is in order.

She looks at me, takes one of those wooden stick things the doctor uses to look in your mouth. I apologise for the gum, she said it's okay.

She looks back at the paperwork - shit what is she going to say!!!!

"Right, that is all good, everything is in order. I have put you down as urgent and your children will be with you within the week"

OMFG!!!

I run to my husband and tell him we did it - we are getting our boys back!!!!

We go to a room, where it has a one way window, we can see them, albeit very hazy and blurry.

We go home to prepare. How will we fit 3 children into Princess' room? We will have to get bunk beds, I set about trying to get everything perfect.

Husband worries that the boys won't know us as mummy and daddy and I tell him not to be so silly, we are their mummy and daddy.

We get the call.

They are ready.

OMG!

It's real.

We are on a viewing platform, we can see all the children, lined up, with their respective guardian, waiting to go off to their families. There are our boys. I burst into tears.

I tell my husband to go get them.

I watch as he goes down, he is stood a bit in front of them and their guardian tells them to go to him, it's their daddy and they run into his arms.

I still don't see their faces yet.

I can hear him coming with them.

I am nervous.

Oh my gosh, they are so beautiful. Eldest looks a lot like his daddy when he was little, I can't believe how big he has got. My youngest boy, dare I say, looks more like my estranged brother from when he was little. Where Eldest is fair, bordering on blond, his brother, is darker, more like me. A splattering of light freckles across his nose. He has his daddy's hair, as it is now. Only manageable when it's cut neat. Only his hair isn't neat enough as I would have had it. He looks like a proper little boy.

They are so beautiful.

They are mine.

"Shall we call Nanna?" I say... we try to call her but she doesn't answer.

Never mind, let's play and get to know each other.

*********************************************************************

My heart is racing recalling my dream, I can't believe it, I just want to go back to sleep and dream some more but I know the moment has gone. Thank you babies for coming to mummy!

Tuesday 5 November 2013

Lately....

Finding the right words to say can often be my biggest challenge... often the simplest terms of 'I am having a crap time of it' should be enough but when is it too much? I struggle reaching out as I am afraid that those that I do reach out to, are silently rolling their eyes at me and saying in their heads - 'Again?'. I don't ever want to be someone's burden, for people to think they have to listen to me. Which is why I try and express myself on here alot. I do remain anonymous, but I know I have a few friends that read this - often they will message me or comment and I am honestly touched. I do know there are some who read this blog and don't comment or say anything.

There is a reason for my anonymity, simply because I do find it difficult to reach out so this is my way of saying - I am not happy. Be it with life, friends, family or randomness.

Life has taken me in circles, and whilst I may not roll in the millions or live the life of luxury, I am happy in my little world. If I want to spoil my daughter because leaving her at home with daddy for two days whilst I went away for a weekend in London, I shouldn't have to be made to feel like I am raising a brat. She is two years old. She doesn't realise that I am spoiling her. I am easing my own concious but also aware of how much enjoyment she will have from my gifts. And those that do voice said opinion should take a long hard look in the mirror.

I feel older than my 30 years of life, and often have to think, I was just shy of 26 when I had my eldest. I was left vulnerable and exposed. Social Networking was not as much part of daily life as it is today so I often felt isolated in the world of hospitals, medical terminology, and heart problems. When I look back now, I see I tried to make life normal because I had no one to ask - well, what should I be doing. Now, I am quite prominent (probably too much so) on social networking and I hope I support a lot of families both pre-natal, antenatal, hospitals and general life. Because I was there when I had no one.

4 years down the line, I have more friends that understand now than they did 4 years ago. These friendships are offering me opportunities I never thought would be possible. I wouldn't say 2013 has been a shit year personally, not the greatest, but better than 2012 but I feel as we move into 2014, I will achieve so much in the work I do, do. So many plans are in the pipeline and I am excited and looking forward with happiness rather than trepidation.

2013 so far has seen far too many children die from CHD and each time, a little piece of me breaks off again because I still know that pain. It is cushioned by 4 years of adjustment, tears, strength, despair and loneliness. And in those depths of negativity, I know I can simply put a status on Facebook and get words of encouragement. Not that I do it for that but knowing people care, means a lot. A new friend, someone I have gotten to know since his son had surgery which sadly meant he was unable to carry on living on earth, can so eloquently put into words, the life that is a bereaved parent. Men don't typically show emotion or that they are struggling and he invariably doesn't post a lot about it but he did post an insightful blog post today, marking 100 days since his boy got his wings. He hits every single nail on the head and I pondered to myself, could I have done that at 100 days after losing my eldest? I don't think so. He is inspiring for me because of his frankness and honesty and his beautiful boy, will hold a place in my heart forever.

So I guess you can say I am at a life analysing cross roads at the moment. Not that I will analyse for too long, I have learned to just live with life as it comes as trying to think too far ahead is like trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

x