Spiritualism

Before the boys, I was always a believer but never experienced anything. I guess there was nothing for me to know.

Since my first, I got into it, I needed and wanted to know he was okay and what the future held. I also got it tenfold when my second died. They would always visit my best friend, but she was more 'open' to the spirit world than I was.

In time I learnt, no matter how much you want it, the spirits will only come to you when they feel the time is right.

I stopped searching for answers In the spirit world because it naturally felt right. And since then they have shown themselves in different ways and it is hugely comforting.

There is no right or wrong way to believe; I am catholic and it's not exactly endorsed but I lost faith too.

Hindsight

Something has bothered me all day and I don't know how to tell my husband or anyone really.

When I logged on to FB this morning, one of my friends had put up a picture from their 4D scan and comparing it their earth born child.

Why the hell didn't I think of that when I lost my youngest son? It may have prepared me more, it may have meant I found the courage to see him when he was born!!!

I am so angry at myself!

Needing Help

I have always struggled asking for help; its not one of my strong points. Usually, people only know I am struggling when I break down.

Recently, I have been told a few things that I don't agree with and maybe are being mis interpreted.

I was told I was wrong for doing something on my journey to living life as it is. The person that told me I was wrong lost a child at 16wks pregnant and doesn't have somewhere to go for their baby.

I am wrong for having pictures of rainbow with my angels garden.

Is that wrong?

A picture of all 3 of my children together?

They said would I be happy to answer her questions when she's older. Of course I would. She knows her brothers. Not in a morbid way. We will cross the bridge when it comes to it.

How do you judge whether what you are doing is wrong or right?

No one ever said there was a right or a wrong way but we are just doing what feels comfortable.

I have been taking part in the 'Capture Your Grief Project' done by CarlyMarie on my personal Facebook. I have found it so cathartic. It has shown me where I have come from. In the sense of my journey along the path of grief.

I am recognising I am not as bad as I think I am; that I am coping better than I think I am.

How does everyone else feel?

New Friend

On Wednesday last week, when I went to visit the boys, there was a freshly dug grave, waiting for its sleeping angel.

It never gets easier seeing that another child has got their angel wings and another family is starting out on the grief path.

When we went up yesterday, the child has been buried. The last 3 friends the boys got were all boys, their newest friend is a girl.

All we know is her name, one day we may know all about her.

Fly high little princess, look after your mummy and daddy from Heaven and have fun playing with my boys! They will show you around and look after you xxxxx

3 Years

3 years? How did that happen?!

As usual it was raining all morning and half hour after we braved the rain the sun came out! Just like previous years.

God how hard it was today. I could remember every detail about leading up to 10.50am but the relation between events and time after that I have no idea.

For example, I don't know what time we left the hospital as the Police needed to see where he collapsed but I know we did leave.

It all passes by in a blur now.

The weight has been lifted - actually, not the right expression but I hope you get what I mean?