Dreams

I always believe that there are reasons behind what we dream. Be it what the heart desires or yearns or hopes for. 

A couple nights ago, I was having one of my strange dreams where things don't make sense at all - sometimes paramount to what my life feels like. In the middle of the dream I got a call on my mobile.

It was from an old friend, who now lives in Australia. You see we had a misunderstanding back last year and haven't spoken since and she rang to say she had been reading this blog and just wanted to get back in touch.

We both talked over each other, apologising for the misunderstanding and then chatted away like nothing had happened.

Is it a hope? A sign for the future? I don't know at all but I know it felt good to hear her voice.

Being stubborn I don't know if I could or should make the first move or do I just see if fate means we are destined to be friends again. Then again, how do I know that she would want to talk to me too?

Dear Birthday Boy...

Today is your 4th birthday, wow, you would be such a big boy now but you will always be my baby, my littlest boy.

I know you are going to have the best birthday ever with your big brother and all of your angel friends. I know your granny will look after you and spoil you rotten too. 

Thank you and your brother for all the beautiful rainbows especially the double ones. The vibrant one you sent me yesterday was amazing. 

How I wish I could turn back time.. I wish I could have held you, kissed you, but you did that with your daddy. I know he still sees you as that little baby in the palm of his hand and he will always treasure that bond you both have.

I know he wishes that he could see you now as you are in Heaven with your brother, like mummy does when you both visit. But that's our special bond. I always want more baby, always will, but each snippet I treasure forever until we are together again.

Have a great day my baby, catch our balloon, your sister chose it because her favourite colour is purple. Hope you like your cakes too! I bet you were laughing at her making them for you! 

I'll look for you in the night sky and you know you are always in my thoughts, my heart, and my soul.

I love you.

Mummy xxxxxx

Birthday Eve

Today is the eve of my youngest's 4th birthday.

Surprisingly, I am okay. I haven't broken down, I haven't emotionally ate.

I am teary thinking of what should have been, what could have been, should I have done what I did? I don't think I will ever be at peace with the decision, not until I see him.

Due to the car accident, we won't be able to go to the Zoo as we usually do. I mean, we could. But it would cost us more than actually getting into the Zoo and be so complicated. But I am okay about it. It's not my fault, well techincally the car accident was my fault, but I know what I mean.

We've made cakes, we have balloons - one to send to Heaven, and some to decorate the headstone. We have a banner, badge and cards. Seem so little but so much.

My littlest boy will be 4 tomorrow, 4 years of wishing I was brave enough to hold him and kiss him and tell him how loved he is. But I whisper these to the summer butterflies, the twinkling stars at night, the bright rainbows that seem to be everywhere at the moment.

For the first time, I truly am okay.

An Update

Yesterday I was going to write a blog post about pregnancy, being broody, being desperate for another baby but knowing it wouldn't be possible. I have friends and family around me having babies or announcing pregnancies and I am utterly over the moon about it for them. I am enjoying revelling in their pregnancies and newborns. I was, still am, wishing it was me.

However, yesterday I was in a car accident. I am shaken to the core. I can't believe I have walked away without physical injuries. My car took the brunt of it and my first instinct was to prevent another car hitting the side where princess was sitting which meant the cat had to substain injury to protect her.

I can feel old friends reappearing in the name of anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, fear etc and yes, I should celebrate that I can recognise them but I also feel that I'm losing control. I know it was only yesterday but again I'm looking on the outside in.

I have some amazing friends who it feels have thought nothing more of being there for me. I love you all, you are the best. A girl can never have too many friends! 

<3