Friday 12 March 2010

Life as an angel mummy... Twice Over

3-4% was our original chance... I may be unlucky to have 2 boys with HLHS but I was lucky to have 2 beautiful boys.

I remember the day he was born very clearly, why wouldn't I? As I was only 17 weeks and 5 days, we didn't go to labour ward but the gynae ward. It may not seem significant now but it is. You see there were no midwives there so they refused to examine me to tell me how far I was dilated. It wasn't their job.

I was more freaked out by my waters going than anything else, I thought it as time but I was told it wasn't. I wasn't ready to say goodbye again. My contractions lulled at this point and the ward went silent. We had a private room and the window was to my left. It was a cold February day and there had been snow days prior butjust then, in the lull of the ward, the snow began to fall. It was not heavy but it still snowed. Just as quickly as it started, it stopped and I felt the need to push.

My littlest baby boy was born.

My husband and I had discussed whether we wanted to see him. I didn't feel strong enough to see him. My husband did and took pictures for when I did want to see him. He said he was tiny, just bigger than the palm of his hand. But he was beautiful. He told him we loved him and he was with his beautiful big brother who would look after him now.

Due to his gestation, they would only say he looked like he was a boy on the scan and I needed desperately to know my baby was the gender I thought he was. The nurses just said it is what you believed it to be. This is why it is so significant. There I was having given birth to my baby and they couldn't comfort me or find the words to give me some solace. He was what I thought he was. What a phrase. It still makes me angry.

My husband had a look and said it looked like boy parts.

I would not be doing this justice if I was not honest. I detached myself from his birth, I didn't want to deal with it. Not then. Not ever. But one day I would have to.

On the way home, we walked past the room where he was. I stopped and rested my head against the door. I whispered how much I loved him and that I didn't want to go without him. I felt pulled to stay with him, just there, outside the door. Because I couldn't see him. How much of an awful mother does that make me? I have had to live with that decision for the rest of my life to date.

I could not see him, I could not crumble, I did not want to have to deal with the fact, I was a mummy but to two angels.

Once again, we went to the Funeral Director, he broke his heart that we were returning to organise another funeral for our baby. We wanted them together, no service, just a simple, personal burial. We asked that our priest come and bless the grave and say prayers for them both.

As I got out the car for his funeral, I lost it then. My legs went and I couldn't move, I couldn't go and say goodbye. It was then it hit me. It was then that I wondered if I could ever walk again.

Nice, if you want to think of it in that way, the council had covered the dirt with rose petals. Just as his brother was laid on a bed of roses, now he was going to be. A while after, I said to my husband that it was nice that there were still petals left from when we buried Charlie. He chuckled. He said 'baby, they wouldn't have survived for so long, the council scattered them'. I was touched by their kindness and thoughtfulness.

My boys had each other, we didn't have them.