I am not an expert but can only relay through my experiences.
At the time of both boys' death, I shrugged off all advice regarding the whole process.
The phrase 'time is a great healer' came up frequently and to me, this is wrong. Time does not heal. Time allows you to work out what feels right and also how to deal with the pain.
I cope with the pain now better as I have lived with it for nearly 2.5 years now. The pain gets easier to live with.
In time things feel natural. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet but there is no manual to how to grieve.
Do you remember when you had your baby and you would wish that it came with a manual when it's been screaming for hours and is not hungry, dirty, tired etc?? In time you figured out what each cry meant and what they liked etc. Same for grieving. It's all about figuring out what feels right..
Do not let anyone push you in to feeling like you should be further along in the grieving process. This is individual. However, remember it is not just you grieving. Grief can be selfish and it's hard to realise that you are not the only person missing them and upset. Tell people you want to talk about the baby, they are as much of apart of you than anything else.
I always say I have 3 children, 2 in heaven and 1 on earth.
Do what feels right to you.
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Sunday 26 February 2012
February 2012
Too much has happened in this month to have different posts so I am encapsulating it all in one.
The 10th was my husband's birthday. He never got to have a birthday with one of our children prior to this year. In fact, 2010 was the birthday that we found out that our youngest son was also a HLHS warrior. So his birthdays are generally not considered celebratory in his eyes. So, I planned this really special day for him, presents, a big fat chocolate cake, and a day out. He said it was wonderful, because he had it with our princess. When we went to the cemetery, he asked for a few minutes on his own with our boys. He has never asked that of me before. I was hurt and shocked but calmed myself down because he had the right to have a private chat with his babies. I mean, I go to them on a Wednesday with their sister (sometimes she is asleep in the car) so I have that time on my own but for him to actually ask for it, stunned me. I didn't ask him what he talked about with them, that is between them.
The problem with having my husband's birthday is that the next birthday is our youngest son's birthday. Like I said before, the build up is always worse than the day itself. This year was no different. I was emotionally distressed in the whole lead up and I wanted it so perfect for my little man. We spent the day as a family, we went to our babies and dressed up their headstone. I made him birthday cupcakes and he took ages to blow the candle out. We left them 2 cupcakes, one for each of them. As we packed up to leave, we found 2 white feathers! The sun was shining that day and the following day I felt a sense of peace.
However, it wasn't until the next day that I looked at the photos. There were orbs on two of the photos. One of the photos had me in it. You may not believe in spiritualism or the fact that orbs and feathers are signs from our angels but they mean a lot to me. I have often felt the boys jumping on my bed at night. I found the build up hard only because I couldn't 'see' them. I just couldn't picture them. But then they came to me 2 nights before his birthday. I know I am biased but they are gorgeous. A lot like their sister but slimmer. Yes, my princess is a chunk and at 9lb 12oz what do you expect. My eldest was 7lb 15oz and only just made it into double figures when he died.
I pose the question, what do you think happens to spirits when they pass over? I believe that they grow up. I like to think they are dancing amongst the stars and giggling in the sunshine; just like normal 2 year olds.
Normal - a word I don't often use especially in my life. Which leads me on to my next 'normal' milestone. In 5 days, my princess learnt to crawl and also cut her first tooth. It is just an emotional rollercoaster. She is growing up before our eyes; something we never got to experience with her brothers, and here she is and us experiencing them!
The 10th was my husband's birthday. He never got to have a birthday with one of our children prior to this year. In fact, 2010 was the birthday that we found out that our youngest son was also a HLHS warrior. So his birthdays are generally not considered celebratory in his eyes. So, I planned this really special day for him, presents, a big fat chocolate cake, and a day out. He said it was wonderful, because he had it with our princess. When we went to the cemetery, he asked for a few minutes on his own with our boys. He has never asked that of me before. I was hurt and shocked but calmed myself down because he had the right to have a private chat with his babies. I mean, I go to them on a Wednesday with their sister (sometimes she is asleep in the car) so I have that time on my own but for him to actually ask for it, stunned me. I didn't ask him what he talked about with them, that is between them.
The problem with having my husband's birthday is that the next birthday is our youngest son's birthday. Like I said before, the build up is always worse than the day itself. This year was no different. I was emotionally distressed in the whole lead up and I wanted it so perfect for my little man. We spent the day as a family, we went to our babies and dressed up their headstone. I made him birthday cupcakes and he took ages to blow the candle out. We left them 2 cupcakes, one for each of them. As we packed up to leave, we found 2 white feathers! The sun was shining that day and the following day I felt a sense of peace.
However, it wasn't until the next day that I looked at the photos. There were orbs on two of the photos. One of the photos had me in it. You may not believe in spiritualism or the fact that orbs and feathers are signs from our angels but they mean a lot to me. I have often felt the boys jumping on my bed at night. I found the build up hard only because I couldn't 'see' them. I just couldn't picture them. But then they came to me 2 nights before his birthday. I know I am biased but they are gorgeous. A lot like their sister but slimmer. Yes, my princess is a chunk and at 9lb 12oz what do you expect. My eldest was 7lb 15oz and only just made it into double figures when he died.
I pose the question, what do you think happens to spirits when they pass over? I believe that they grow up. I like to think they are dancing amongst the stars and giggling in the sunshine; just like normal 2 year olds.
Normal - a word I don't often use especially in my life. Which leads me on to my next 'normal' milestone. In 5 days, my princess learnt to crawl and also cut her first tooth. It is just an emotional rollercoaster. She is growing up before our eyes; something we never got to experience with her brothers, and here she is and us experiencing them!
