I logged on to write this post which I admit I've been thinking a while about - and in my featured blog sections is the blog about the Palmer Family. Kimberley's latest post is called 'Parenting Without Fear'.
She lightly touches upon what I am going to say.
My irrational thoughts regarding parenting. You've read my blog (well, I hope so by now!) so you know the background, but sometimes I get all consumed with fear for Princess. What if she gets cancer? What if she gets run over? What if she gets murdered? What if she gets a brain tumour? And general thoughts along those lines.
You may argue that each one of those sad events happen to only a small percentage of the population - HOWEVER - need I remind you of the statistics when it comes to having a child with Congenital Heart Defects? Just 1 in 100 people. And I had 2 babies with heart defects. I always said when I was pregnant that I would rather be given the smaller statistic as that feels more liveable than the supposed 'safe' statistic. 10% chance Princess had of having a heart defect. 1-2% of any one person having a child with a CHD.
So whilst on the surface I know my sadistic thoughts perhaps are the thoughts of a mad person, and are generally compounded by every day news of another murder, stabbing, abduction, news of children dying etc - it is very real to me.
I was reading a conversation between two friends on Facebook about how when they are not with their children and have a 'night off' they spend the time checking up on the children or talking about them. One said they had only left their children a handful of times. Husband and I have never both left our daughter with anyone else. I just about left her for 3 nights (2 separate occasions in case you are a newbie) and that was with my husband. He has never left us. I feel like someone has their hands around my throat when I think of her going off to pre-school and then big school.
We have half talked about home schooling her but the fear is there of being told I can't cut the apron strings. It's not that, I just can't begin to imagine being without her. She will love it. I know that much.
My little girl is growing up and soon won't be as dependent on me. Or is it that I am dependent on her?
Wednesday 29 January 2014
Monday 20 January 2014
Insecurities and Anxieties
Both have been building up for a while.
Anxiety - I am used to dealing with, its almost as routine as changing my underwear daily. Anxiety about spaces, time, people, events. The nail on the head was this weekend. On the mat dropped my DLA renewal pack - yes I am one of those who qualify for the benefit though before you judge me, I have a mental illness and a social anxiety complex that requires medication to control 75% of my feelings. I am more at risk without my medication than I am with it. Both are disabilities. Both I live with, daily. Therefore I get a small amount of allowance weekly for it.
Anyhoos.... its another reminder of the fragility of my mental state. Then coupled with visiting town on what seemed the busiest day of the year. I was fine I tell you, until those lift doors opened and it was like 'vooosh' like a vacuum, and I could feel myself getting tense, my breathing becomes rapid. I am trying to move through people with a sleeping princess in her buggy whilst gripping my husband's hand.
For one instant, I lose him. Though I didn't lose him. He had to let go as we couldn't walk the way we were, it felt like forever until he got to me, in reality it was seconds.
I'm almost at the doors to the outside world. And there we are. Fresh air. I can breathe.
That, in a nutshell was 10 mins of my life.
We saw the boys yesterday and as always its a happy-as-can-be visit. Talking to them, then it hits us both, in a month, we will have a 4 year old boy in the form of our youngest. Has it really been 4 years? I don't feel old enough in some respects, but I feel ancient in others.
Then its moving on to thinking 'hang on, eldest is going to be 5' - 5 sounds so much older than 4! It was 5 years ago yesterday we had our first 20 week scan with our eldest. I say first, it was with the sonographer, who said to us, we can't see everything to do with baby, come back tomorrow. In our happy little bubble, we didn't think anything less after all we had seen our perfect little boy on the screen and we were going to see him the next day too.
Then this day 5 years ago, we were told our perfect little boy had an imperfection on his tiny little heart. But it could be fixed.
How naive were we then?! And all the time before that too!
Then the familiar insecurities set in; why isn't the person I used to speak to every day, no longer talking to me. I initiate the conversation, it goes on for a little bit and then nothing. Rationally, I know why. She is busy, she's tired, she said she thought I was busy - I reassured her, I always have time for her. But still, she's withdrawn, is it me? What have I done? Who do I listen to, irrational or rational?
And yes, those are the voices in my head. I often speak to myself, because I feel no one listens or understands.
Anxiety - I am used to dealing with, its almost as routine as changing my underwear daily. Anxiety about spaces, time, people, events. The nail on the head was this weekend. On the mat dropped my DLA renewal pack - yes I am one of those who qualify for the benefit though before you judge me, I have a mental illness and a social anxiety complex that requires medication to control 75% of my feelings. I am more at risk without my medication than I am with it. Both are disabilities. Both I live with, daily. Therefore I get a small amount of allowance weekly for it.
Anyhoos.... its another reminder of the fragility of my mental state. Then coupled with visiting town on what seemed the busiest day of the year. I was fine I tell you, until those lift doors opened and it was like 'vooosh' like a vacuum, and I could feel myself getting tense, my breathing becomes rapid. I am trying to move through people with a sleeping princess in her buggy whilst gripping my husband's hand.
For one instant, I lose him. Though I didn't lose him. He had to let go as we couldn't walk the way we were, it felt like forever until he got to me, in reality it was seconds.
I'm almost at the doors to the outside world. And there we are. Fresh air. I can breathe.
That, in a nutshell was 10 mins of my life.
We saw the boys yesterday and as always its a happy-as-can-be visit. Talking to them, then it hits us both, in a month, we will have a 4 year old boy in the form of our youngest. Has it really been 4 years? I don't feel old enough in some respects, but I feel ancient in others.
Then its moving on to thinking 'hang on, eldest is going to be 5' - 5 sounds so much older than 4! It was 5 years ago yesterday we had our first 20 week scan with our eldest. I say first, it was with the sonographer, who said to us, we can't see everything to do with baby, come back tomorrow. In our happy little bubble, we didn't think anything less after all we had seen our perfect little boy on the screen and we were going to see him the next day too.
Then this day 5 years ago, we were told our perfect little boy had an imperfection on his tiny little heart. But it could be fixed.
How naive were we then?! And all the time before that too!
Then the familiar insecurities set in; why isn't the person I used to speak to every day, no longer talking to me. I initiate the conversation, it goes on for a little bit and then nothing. Rationally, I know why. She is busy, she's tired, she said she thought I was busy - I reassured her, I always have time for her. But still, she's withdrawn, is it me? What have I done? Who do I listen to, irrational or rational?
And yes, those are the voices in my head. I often speak to myself, because I feel no one listens or understands.
