Saturday 21 April 2012

Guilt!

Having a tough time at the moment with the princess. She is not sleeping through as usual and it's taking a huge toll on me as I am really tired!

I feel like I can't or shouldn't moan about her as she is so precious but it's hard as we try to treat her as a normal child rather than a precious rainbow baby. So shouldn't I be allowed to moan that I am tired as she is being a pickle?

Where is that allowed line? When will it feel okay to moan?

Thursday 12 April 2012

Career

I was talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago about the future.

I took voluntary redundancy to be a SAHM with princess but I long to go back to learning and become a midwife. The sad part is as already have a degree, I will have to fully fund it but we just don't have that spare cash right now.

As we were talking, I said to her that I often thought about becoming a doula (http://doula.org.uk/) but a doula who specialises in helping bereaved families on their journey to a Rainbow baby. I know how valuable it would have been to have someone there just to say, you know what, that is normal.

I haven't fully decided.

New Day, New Thoughts

Feeling a bit better today, but not sure if that is because we are not going anywhere special today. My nerves are shot at the moment but hey ho, spits and spats. Seeing the doctor tonight for a repeat prescription check up so will no doubt pour my heart out to her. I am so lucky to have a wonderful doctor!

Also focusing on trying to shift this weight, why does it keep finding me!!! I have put 2.5lb on in 2 weeks which isn't that bad considering I haven't tracked, been away for the weekend and had Easter but we booked a week's holiday for 6 weeks time and I don't want to be a whale on holiday!!!

Think the weather is reflecting my moods.... sunshine one minute, pouring rain the next!

Ho hum!

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Finding it hard!

I sit here at the cemetery and wonder why it's so hard at the moment.

I sobbed to my boys and apologised for being so sad. I miss them so much and wish for another life where we were altogether as a family.

My friend had been and left yellow roses. I know it's her even though there is no card. She never forgets them, I know in my rational mind no one forgets them but that simple gesture broke me down. My parents visited over Easter and they always visit them.

It's just so hard, my nerves are shot again. I had a panic attack in our local town on Saturday and couldn't relax at the soft play on Monday. Too many people and it makes me claustrophobic and I feel like I'm choking.

But why? There is no significant reason at the moment. I normally find specific times of the year hard - birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

I'll just plod on...

Tuesday 10 April 2012

Broody!!

Princess was always going to be our last baby. It is too much of an emotional roller coaster, pregnancy for us. It was hard enough just me and the husband and now we have her too. It just wouldn't be fair.

We always say if we could have the rose tinted pregnancy and birth then we would try again but sadly, we won't ever have that.

A very close friend had a beautiful baby on Friday and the hormones are in over drive. I haven't even met the baby yet so god knows what that will be like.

When I tell the husband he says no outright and then points out we can't have any more children - he had a vasectomy. He has not done his sample yet and I have the coil in and we still use condoms.

The dream would be nice.

Visiting the boys

Princess is now kind of old enough to understand where we go.

It breaks my heart, to be honest. When you put her down on the ground when you get to the cemetery she goes straight to the headstone and pulls herself up and stands and pats the stone.

Never more than ever have I wondered what goes through her tiny head.

She will also sit there and play nicely with their toys.

When we are at home and we show her pictures of them she looks so intently at them and pats them. We ask her to give them kiss and she gently kisses them.

I wish we were whole as a family.

Monday 2 April 2012

First Night Away

I went away for the night on Saturday, leaving my husband with the princesses.

With my depression, anxiety, nerves and OCD I had been mentally preparing myself for months. I knew it would be hard.

The husband met the mother-in-law so left before me on the Saturday and I was fine when they left. Then 5 mins later I was crying. The realisation I won't see them til the next day.

I felt lost and apart of me was missing all day but I coped fine.

I did it. I lived to tell the tale. Would I do it again in a hurry, not so sure but planning to make it a yearly thing!