Turning 3

My little boy is 3.

Where has the time gone? It still feels so raw. I remember feeling emotionally raw yet shut down at the same time. No one said it would be easy, I didn't expect to be given a free pass on how hard it would be.

Silly things you remember, being at the hospital early (for a change), waiting for the nurse, waiting for contractions, waiting for him to be born.

My heart aches with the pain of his labour. It was more painful than princess' one. I remember the cold. I remember the grey day. I remember the view.

I remember the tears.

I remember the gentle snow shower right before he was born. The gentle sign he wasn't going alone.

I remember the fear.

I wanted to see him. I wanted them to push him in my face and show me him; but I was scared. I was scared of looking into the face of the death of another one of my babies. I was scared of seeing all my hopes and dreams as dead as he was. I was scared of the unknown.

I remember aching to see him, hold him, to want to die to be with them both.

I can feel the cool touch of the door on my forehead as I leant against it. Knowing he was the other side of it. Wishing that the door would open and he would be there and I would have to seen him.

I remember the fear.

I cry for my lack of strength at the time. I cry for my unwillingness of embracing fear.

I cry because I never saw his face.

I cry because I see him in my mind's eye as he would now. A 3 year old, with brown hair and blue eyes. A slimmer, slightly taller version of his sister. I see him with beige cords and a off-white jumper. Teddy in one hand.

Standing there on his own. He is just out of reach. I reach for him but can't grab him. I want to hold him and say I am sorry.

I'm sorry baby.

It never gets any easier, the hot tears flow so easily. The hardest part is the fact they are so private now. I don't want their sister to associate them with mummy being sad. I want her to know about the bravest two boys I ever knew. I want her to be proud of their journey. I want her to be proud of them, of me.

To my darling boy, my smallest, perfect little man. I love you so so much my darling boy and I wish you a very happy 3rd birthday.

I miss you so much.

Strength

Just when I think I am doing okay....

I almost beat myself up over it now and I wonder why. I fell so stupid when the littlest things make me cry.

We had a letter today; the actual front of the envelope said 'Parents of [ELDEST CHILD]'

I haven't had a letter regarding him in 3 years.

Bollocks.

Books

I am an avid reader. Always have been. I am also an incredibly nosy person so anything autobiographical or a true story gets to me too.

I read a book in March 2010 call 'A Mother's Tears' and was by Nicole Wyborn; she lost her beautiful boy and it was her journey along the grief path. Nicole's recount of her emotions and feelings always made me feel 'normal' and gave me the power to believe that I can work through my grief.

She and I have a shared love of reading and writing and this blog is my emotional outlet and a way of me expressing how I feel. It is a way of me saying I need help without actually saying it. As my friends would know, I am not the greatest at saying and showing how weak I feel.

Last week, a good friend, read this blog for the first time and said she had a book I might like to read. She brought me round, Stephanie Nielson's 'Heaven is Here'.

Whilst our stories are completely different in circumstance  I felt a lot of her struggles paralleled my own. The difference being she came across confident in who she was before the accident.

As I write that though, I feel it was only becoming a mummy to my Eldest that gave me confidence. I felt I was where I needed to be in life and that was to be his mummy so when he died that was taken from me and my confidence diminished.

So what is my story? Who knows......

Neighbours

Anyone watch it?

I do.

This week Sonya went into labour. When her waters went, there was meconium in them and she was rushed to hospital.

She ended up having a c-section.

Her baby was born and needed NICU as they were a meconium aspiration and she needed antibiotics.... if that wasn't already too close to home.

I got myself all worked up over it as it was far to similar to my princess' birth!!!! Thankfully, both are doing well.

Then I read today that the other pregnant lady, who had her baby, Vanessa.... her baby is diagnosed with a CHD next week!

Yes I want to applaud Neighbours for highlighting this fact but you know when it won't be a true representation on life? Well, I can't judge because I haven't seen it but the land of make believe in soaps!

<3

Genetics

Where to start?

Well, circumstance has brought us round to the discussion of genetics and research into HLHS again. After not speaking to our genetics doctor for so long; we decided to get in touch after being given the name of a researcher who specialised in HLHS.

Our genetics doctor is lovely and although I have spoken to her countless times but only met her once; she was confident of getting us a heart healthy baby.

A meeting is being arranged with this researcher but this morning I had an email from her regarding a study they are doing in Cambridge and it is the first time we have been asked to provide samples from me and the husband. They already have the boys there.

How do I feel? The large part of me is wanting to go for it and to find a reason or cause in my lifetime for why HLHS would occur or how or anything but then there is this tiny part of me who is saying:

"Do you really want to open that can of worms again?"

I guess it goes back to the grief path doesn't it? Am I taking a step back and for what? I know it won't bring my boys back but it might prevent another baby dying in the future. Perhaps my friend's unborn baby who has been antenatally diagnosed with HLHS? Maybe baby Seren wouldn't have died? So selfishly I may ponder if it is the right step forward but I cannot 'not' do anything. What if Princess was to have a heart baby in the future and me opting out now may have prevented it?

But then what if her DNA would also be beneficial to the study, in particular of our family? I know I am probably jumping the gun and thinking too far ahead but it's not just about me and the husband now. It's the whole family - like if we did have another baby; it's not us on the journey and selfishly worrying about the unborn child. Could we face it for her? 

It's taken 3 years to get this far with trying to get some action on the genetics route and I know it is a needle in a haystack and I wish more was put into the research of CHDs as there was cancer. I mean cancer is horrid and I don't wish it on anyone nor do I wish a CHD on anyone but if there was more public awareness and more research then there would be a greater understanding.

Plus I think it still freaks me out that a part of my boys is in a lab a few miles away from me. I know it's not 'them' but the concept of them still being there is weird, well I guess I am weird.

When will there be a right answer to all of this?