My little boy is 3.
Where has the time gone? It still feels so raw. I remember feeling emotionally raw yet shut down at the same time. No one said it would be easy, I didn't expect to be given a free pass on how hard it would be.
Silly things you remember, being at the hospital early (for a change), waiting for the nurse, waiting for contractions, waiting for him to be born.
My heart aches with the pain of his labour. It was more painful than princess' one. I remember the cold. I remember the grey day. I remember the view.
I remember the tears.
I remember the gentle snow shower right before he was born. The gentle sign he wasn't going alone.
I remember the fear.
I wanted to see him. I wanted them to push him in my face and show me him; but I was scared. I was scared of looking into the face of the death of another one of my babies. I was scared of seeing all my hopes and dreams as dead as he was. I was scared of the unknown.
I remember aching to see him, hold him, to want to die to be with them both.
I can feel the cool touch of the door on my forehead as I leant against it. Knowing he was the other side of it. Wishing that the door would open and he would be there and I would have to seen him.
I remember the fear.
I cry for my lack of strength at the time. I cry for my unwillingness of embracing fear.
I cry because I never saw his face.
I cry because I see him in my mind's eye as he would now. A 3 year old, with brown hair and blue eyes. A slimmer, slightly taller version of his sister. I see him with beige cords and a off-white jumper. Teddy in one hand.
Standing there on his own. He is just out of reach. I reach for him but can't grab him. I want to hold him and say I am sorry.
I'm sorry baby.
It never gets any easier, the hot tears flow so easily. The hardest part is the fact they are so private now. I don't want their sister to associate them with mummy being sad. I want her to know about the bravest two boys I ever knew. I want her to be proud of their journey. I want her to be proud of them, of me.
To my darling boy, my smallest, perfect little man. I love you so so much my darling boy and I wish you a very happy 3rd birthday.
I miss you so much.
