I will not lie, it was utterly petrifying being solely responsible for her. Although she had been given a quick all clear on her brief stay on NICU; we were scared.
I don't think either of us properly slept for being worried about her. One of the signs that you have a cardiac child is they have cold hands and feet because the blood doesn't reach those parts of the body as it should do. She had a really unsettled night and she had cold hands and feet so I was so scared.
Luckily, the midwife who came round was lovely. She was the on call one so not my normal one and I sobbed at her all my fears and she told me that whilst no amount of words will ease the fear, baby was fine. It is common for newborns to have cold hands and feet.
It took us a long time to relax about having her at home and we spent every minute treasuring her. I guess people would say we should do. About a month in, I realised I was struggling, big time. Not with her but all the emotions. I felt and still feel scared of if having her was going to be cut short. I went to the doctor and went back on the anti-depressants, I did so well coming off them but realise they are the only thing that keeps me balanced. And I realise now I might be on them for life.
Aside from the worries and anxious moments, we loved being earth parents. She brought and still brings so much joy and happiness to our lives.
In the September we had her cardiac check up at the children's cardiac clinic. Last time I was at this clinic was 2 days shy of 2 years previous so I had a lot of emotions stirring up. It was that check up with my first that they told me he was fine but 2 days later he died. My husband sought assurances in the same medics but where I held and still hold anger and resentment to them, I couldn't trust their opinions. It was those very opinions that I trusted with my first.
She got given the all clear, which we knew she would but it was the assurance of knowing for sure. The moment they put the probe on her chest, you could see 4 equal chambers and that was so pivotal for us. We came out of the clinic and I just cried. Every emotion poured out of me.
I still have these moments now, where it gets too much and the only way I feel I can release them is to break down and cry. Part of my problem is that I am stubborn, I want to appear fine and coping when inside I am a crumbling wreck. I normally only admit to people, even my husband, once I have worked through it myself. I can't put it in to words how it feels to have lost not one but two children. To have them taken away from you and knowing you will never see them again is heart wrenching. Everyone says you have your memories of your first to hold onto. But what use are memories when I don't have him. He should be 2 1/2 now, running round, causing chaos. I should also have an almost 2 year old too but again I don't.
I don't mean to come across rude or abrupt when I withdraw from friends, but unless you are in my close network, one of the people I trust implicitly, someone I can say, I am having a bad time at the moment, you may never know that at that time life was shit.
Talking of friends, you do find out who your true friends are when the chips are down. I wouldn't and couldn't have coped without my best friend, she has always known me better than I know myself. I often don't need to say how I am feeling, she just knows. My close friends are just 'there'. The hold my hand, wipe away my tears and then make me laugh. There are a few who should know exactly who they are and how much I love them dearly just for being there.
But then there are the ones who don't know how to deal with you. I have changed, I challenge anyone to walk in my shoes and tell me that my experiences wouldn't have changed them. The hardest thing was accepting that the ones I thought I could count on being the ones who walked away. It took me a long time to come to terms with it but do you know what, it is their lost now.
This is me, I am a mother to 3 beautiful children and my darling cat. 2 of my children play in Heaven whilst one brings the sunshine back into my life. I have depression, anxiety, and OCD. I cannot go to crowded places or new places on my own. I need someone I trust. I only go where I am comfortable to go. One day, I hope to have that confidence back but for now, I cannot do it. I am no way a fountain of knowledge and I can only draw upon experiences I have had.
