I'm going on holiday :-)

As the title says really.

But this is our first proper family holiday with no one else.

And I cannot wait.

When we lost youngest boy, everyone said 'you need a break' 'go on holiday' and after a while we thought well nothing else is working, maybe we should try?! 

So we booked a week's holiday to Egypt.

Worst mistake we made. Not least because of the destination. I've nothing against people who go to Egypt at all. The weather was lovely, the food was okay. The hotel was okay. Just the minute you stepped outside of the hotel you were lynched by people wanting to sell you things and that just ruined it for us.

It was the longest week of my life as I just wanted to be at home, seeing my babies every day. It took all my strength to get on the plane in the first place. I didn't want to let my husband down. 

I cried everyday I was out there.

When we were on the flight home, my husband said to me that he didn't want to get on the plane either and had I not, he would have been happy but he did it for me.

So whilst some people can be full of useful advice when you lose a child, or children, I think you should listen to your heart as it wasn't the right time for us. 

Then we fell pregnant with princess.

2011 we had her and we went to Ireland for my cousin's wedding.

2012 we went to Cyprus with my sister, brother in law and niece. 

2013 we had another holiday to Ireland for a wedding.

So 2014 is here and we are off to Disney in Florida. And I cannot wait!

The Build Up

I've always said the build up is worse than the day itself and as time goes on, it gets harder and harder.

I'm often asked why I get so upset and emotional and I can't really describe it. 

Is it because I didn't have a single chance to celebrate an earth bound birthday with him? Is it because before he was born, life was 'easy'. We often reflect, as a couple, how naive we look in pictures before he was born, well, before he died really. You could see the utter contentment in our faces. I feel like I have aged a million years since he died. I feel old before my time. His death aged me so much. I no longer have rose tinted glasses on how wonderful the world is. Nothing is colourful anymore, it's either black or white.

Life is for living, no need to worry about the future because at the end of the day, you don't know what tomorrow will bring.

I never thought I would be a baby loss mama.

The build up is a culmination of remembering how I felt before he was born, remembering the joy of becoming a first time mummy and knowing I am, and forever will be, a baby loss mama.

I kept seeing this 'Timehop' app on Facebook and I installed it and for some reason I got confused and when looking for a particular post. I found my way back to when he was born. Looking at the pictures and the posts and comments from friends and family.

I would give absolutely anything to be back there, beside his bed, in intensive care, willing him to get better.

Because he was still here. Earth bound.

I am willing to go through the pain, agony, stress of watching my child be seriously ill in intensive care in order to have him here with me. 

Nothing compares to the pain of losing him.

Is the build up worse this year compared to last year because there is one more year without him? What will I be like when it's his 10th birthday?

I just cannot describe the emptiness, the loneliness, the pain, the utter heart ache of jot being able to see, feel, hear, smell him. 

There are no words.

My friend said to me today: "you put on a brave face all of the time" because I don't want to be a burden, I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity.

I just want my boys.

And I can't have them so all I want to do is let it all out in the form of tears, anger and frustration. I can't concentrate on much, as too many thoughts stray to the thoughts of this time 5 years ago. To 5 years of no earthbound birthdays.

The days Inbetween are okay and bearable but occasions like this, I just can't stop the memories sneaking out my eyes, and down my cheeks.