Thursday 20 August 2015

20th August 2015

My head is everywhere but screwed onto my body. I'm hit with the realisation that in 2 weeks time, first day at Big School will be done and dusted; 6 weeks today, it will be that day of the year I hate and this date 6 years ago, was 'that' failed cardiac catheter.

The thought of what ifs are creeping back in. What if you hadn't of died..?! Would you still be alive now? A happy 6 year old? Or would we have lost you further down your earth bound life? Would I have lost touch, or pushed away, so many people? Would I have hit target on my diet? Would we be living where we are now? Would we have had your brother or your sister? It's undeniable that we would have had another child but perhaps we wouldn't have had you both so close in age. Would he have been our next child even if it had been further down our life path or would we have skipped straight to your sister? Who would I be now? Would I be working back at the council? Would daddy be still at Homebase? Would daddy have learned to drive as it would have become easier with your appointments. Would you be at school? What if? What would?

Every year I torture myself with the sliding doors effect but unlike the film, I don't know where it ends.

There is no denying that I can feel myself slipping down the dark path but I haven't got the time for it this year. I've a little girl about to start infant school and that will occupy my mind for the first 3 and a half weeks of September so by the time I can fully absorb the reality that the day you left me is around the corner, it will literally be around the corner.

I'm sat here in bed, staring at your picture on the wall. I remember every sight, smell, touch, moment of that photoshoot. I remember that we went with the intention of just getting the freebie picture but having to tighten the reins to spend £150 on 5 pictures. But they were worth the sacrifice. I remember going to collect the pictures on a wet August day. Above all, I remember you.

I remember doing simple, every day things. Like trying the baby carrier out for the first time but I practically carried you as I was scared you would drop out. To being frustrated with your reflux and being reminded today as I went to John Lewis, of the time I fed you next to the glass lifts and sat you up to wind you except you threw up all over me and yourself. Daddy wasn't best pleased either as I needed clean clothes so a trip to the shops for me! Another memory that came to mind today was sometime from Friends (the one with the Yeti) where Emily tells Ross that they need new furniture because she wanted things that have not been breathed, let alone touched by Rschel. Your daddy and I wanted to keep everything that had a memory associated with it. Storage problems meant we had to be practical with things lol!

And as much as my heart aches and is breaking at memories and the next few weeks, I smile because it's all about you. And I am in an okay place. I'm at peace with a lot of things but it doesn't stop the aching heart and missing you more than anything.

So forgive me if you ask me how I am and you get 'okay' because okay is just the code for actually I'm falling to pieces with memories but rebuilding myself because of those memories. If rather have 142 days worth of memories than none. But then I don't want memories, I only want you.

Saturday 1 August 2015

Hitting The Ground Hard

This is really hard for me to say to anyone so hoping that just letting it out via writing will help.

But I have hit the ground, the bottom of the barrel... you name it; I feel like I am sinking faster than the Titanic.

And for the first time it isn't just about being an angel mummy.

Or a rainbow mummy.

It is just life in bloody general.

Yes, I will always grieve and miss my sons terribly. There are only so many ways you can say you are hurting and missing them and that occurs EVERY single day. They are in my thoughts, heart, and soul every second, of every day.

My previously bottom of the barrels have been to do with them.

Perhaps I am grieving; but for the life I once had. This time last year, my back was aching and giving me more niggles than usual. My usual painkillers and anti-inflammatories were started. I could walk everywhere, I was skinnier then but failed to see it compared to now. Life was pretty good, we had not long come back from the holiday of a lifetime in Disney World.

How quickly things change in a year.

I am now heavily dependant on 1 crutch, mainly because it is easier to get around on 1 although, I really could do with using both. I have a wheelchair for longer distances, usually with hubby as I don't like to be a burden on friends. I use shop mobility when I can. I am 32 fucking years old. I didn't need any of this shite a year ago.

I am having more and more panic and anxiety attacks. I am mentally forcing myself out of the house, Monday to Friday, because I can't do it to Princess. I can't keep her house bound for 6 weeks because mummy cannot cope. She doesn't deserve it. I have 5 weeks left before my toddler princess becomes a big girl and starts infant school. I want to make memories, I want to revel in her existence because without her earthbound existence, I just can put my hand on my heart and tell you, I wouldn't be here, writing, no pouring, my heart out on a blog, that probably won't be read but having the faith or hope that maybe, just maybe, someone will listen to me.

I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed last night. I broke my soul up (the remaining pieces of it), I think I scared my husband.

I am desolate at the amount of pain I am in. The problem being with Chronic Pain is that you can't see it and I have perfected the performance of 'normality' when every fibre in my body wants to curl up and scream. It primarily existed in the lower back region. Now my hips burn if I walk too much. By walking too much, I mean, for able bodied people (like me a year ago), it would be, say, walking half way around the block towards the shop. A walk I took for granted a year ago. My knees hurt because I am constantly trying to adjust my back, hips and pelvis to the position of the moment that will get me through the next step or two. My feet constantly feel on fire. The podiarists of the world would proclaim it is because I live in flip flops. But I cannot bend into a position where it is comfortable to put any other type of shoes on. They are comfortable to me, they are easy. They are my life until either they break or winter sets in. My neck hurts. My shoulders hurt. I want to chop my head off and lay it down for a while. Perhaps an indefinate period. It will relieve the pressure on these two areas. I am having migraines. I am struggling to get to sleep. Yet once I am asleep, I cannot wake up. I keep dropping things, or forgetting things or words to the most simplest things. Or my train of thought disappears completely by one small interruption.

We live in a modern world, where medicines are discovered and tried and tested regularly. With huge successes. Yet I am quite often, left to get on with it. The (locum) GP I saw last week's words were 'let's get you to your pain clinic appointment' - that's great but am I meant to be left like this for a whole month???????????!!!!!!!!!!! I have been switched from one medicine to another so I may be more cranky but then I stopped taking the other shite because they weren't working so why pump myself full of medicines that don't work.

Then to top it all off, I am the fattest I have ever been.

But not fat enough for NHS help!

Work that one out.

I don't mean surgery or anything, just help.

They, the GPs (not my lovely GP who has been on a sabbatical for an eternity it seems! Roll on Tuesday when I see her!), say that the pain I am in, plus my weight issues, plus my out of control thyroid, plus my mood mean that I am fighting a losing battle.

I am even considering the extreme weight loss diets, like your Cambridge and Lighter Life, because I need to do something to help me lose weight. If I eradicate eating from every day life, maybe it will give me a chance to refocus on sorting everything else out in my life and hopefully, just losing some weight will mean that my mood will boost, my pain will lessen (cos apparently losing weight is key)... the problem being is I like food.

I feel like every door I try to open, gets slammed in my face. Pain relief, help with pain, thyroid problems. I feel like an emotional burden on everyone.

My demons are coming out to play and having a great time. Friends don't really want to see me, or hang out. I am too much of a hassle to be around. What with my anxiety, panic attacks, physical disability. Or if I am with people then are they only with me cos they feel sorry for me? Or have nothing better to do? I am such a horrible friend, and am not the person I was. I miss the old me. I miss the old me with friends.

I've tried explaining it to my husband and he tries to reassure me but I don't want to be me anymore.

End of. I just don't want to be me. I don't want to be the woman who had a son, with a heart defect, who died suddenly at 4.5mths old; who fell pregnant, lost another son, with the same heart defect, at 17.5 wks pregnant; who fell pregnant, had a healthy rainbow princess, her birth was traumatic, needed neonatal, needed intensive care. But is a rainbow of light in amongst the darkness. I don't want to be the woman who gets engulfed in the black cloud of depression and has literally the characters from 'Inside Out' (Disney Film) arguing things out. I don't want to be the woman who is trapped inside this fat body. I don't want to be the woman who is living in Chronic Pain.

I want to be the mummy who has 3 beautiful children, who is happy more than she is sad. Who isn't in Chronic Pain, who isn't fat.

I know its very easy to judge and say that if you are that depressed about your weight, do something about it. Believe me, I am trying but you may find it so easy to lose half a stone, or a stone. It's like climbing Everest to lose 1lb. Apparently I shouldn't be so hard on myself for it. Yeah right. I want to punch you in the face.

Normally, I can plan my way out. But that light at the end of the tunnel is literally a pin prick. Blink and you will miss it.

So if you are one of my friends reading this, I am sorry for the out pouring.

I understand if you walk away.

I would walk away too if I could.

Hell, I would happily run a marathon to get away from this miserable cow LOL

I just need a break from life.

xx