Christmas 2013

Another year....

5 Christmases without my eldest

4 Christmases without my youngest boy

3 Christmases with my princess

2 Fur Baby's 

1 Heart Still Broken

I was doing fine up until about 2.30pm today.

I got a text from my best friend saying she had been to the boys' garden and the wind and the rain from the day previous had made everything be strewn across the cemetery. She said she had tidied up everything but didn't know if she missed anything. That was it, my stomach was doing a rollercoaster.

We were on our way to church for the children's Christmas service but princess had fallen asleep and as she's poorly we diverted to the cemetery. Their garden was okay, a couple things out of place but the relief was immense.

We also saw that their friend, two beds down, had left them a teddy. We had given all their friends a Christmas card last year and also this year so it was touching for a kind gesture to be returned.

We then went to our local church to say a few prayers and light candles for the boys and their friends.

The Parish newsletter this week was poignant. Father Michael asked:

"What is the most important or valuable gift that could be given or received at Christmas?"

My answer. My boys back here with me and if I couldn't have that for me, then I wish for one of my angel mummies or daddies to have their child back.

Father Michael went on to say the reason he asked was because of a conversation he had with a parent about the "upmost importance .. that the children would be found worthy to be in the presence of God in Heaven"

Now as I've mentioned before my faith had wavered since I lost my boys but I also found the above saying to be thought evoking. 

I believe in God.

I believe in Heaven.

I believe in Spiritualism.

I don't believe that my life thus so far was apart of God's plan - because then he would be a b@$tard as no one deserves to feel this pain.

But I believe in God.

But should I?

Father Michael goes on to explain that God's gift was of his son's birth. So why giveth, to taketh away? We all know Jesus died and if we were to believe that God has a plan for us all then was his own son's death was in his plan? 

Father Michael says that there is no need to be afraid as God is with us, there is no need to be held captive by the mistakes of the past and no reason to feel so alone. 

But I still feel all 3.

I long ago spoke of the fact I was encouraged to speak to Father Michael about my emotions and feelings - and I am a believer in signs so is this yet another sign from my church to explore those to have some faith restored? 

Another thing to ponder about at Christmas time.

So now as I listen to Michael Buble and reflect on my Christmas Angels and their friends.

Thanks for reading for the last year x

Topsy Turvey

That's how my life has felt like since I last posted - hopefully I will make sense through this.

Last night I was sat thinking about how much has changed in the last year. Me, personally. Friendships, Life, Death, everything.

I feel that the last year I have 'matured' even further, and it is something I have seen in a few fellow bereaved mummas. Darling Carly Marie summed it up beautifully in her post in Still Standing Magazine - here is the link: http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/12/voices-differences/

I feel I have evolved a lot more now. I have found my footing in this world as a mother to three children, two of whom, live in Heaven. I have accepted who I am as a person now and am able to rationalise thoughts and feelings on this, often, lonely path. I know I have changed. But I have had to change, my life has dictated that I had to find a new normal for me.

Sadly, this meant some things in life and friendships have to change. I prioritise my life now, and love nothing more than an afternoon walking in the park with my family. It's free and so, so simple. Yet soulfully gratuitous. I am grateful for the fact I can do this. Yes, apart of me will always wish that I am watching 3 small people bundle around in muddy puddles, but I physically only see 1. I don't need to repeat that I know they are with us. I feel it in my heart. I am grateful for the small, childish things my daughter does because I never had her brothers do it before her.

Christmas is always a period of reflection for me. I hate New Years. I hate the fact its so commercial when the significance gets lost in translation. It's not about getting as drunk as possible and singing songs at midnight; ensuring your true love is your first kiss of the new year. I spend this period reflective of the path I have walked, not only in 2013 but all the years since 2008.

Why 2008? I look at a poignant picture of myself, stood in front of our Christmas Tree, 16 weeks pregnant, so blissfully happy and content. I look so young, so innocence, so carefree.

Look at me now. I feel like I have travelled a huge expanse of space, I have learnt so much about myself and those I choose to have around me.

I have had to say goodbye to more friends this year. Some, its been a mutual thing, where time and circumstance mean we no longer talk or have anything in common. I know one day, we will speak again. Others, chose to walk away. Some, I have chosen to walk away from.

My life has long been full of negativity and I don't like to have that in my life any more. More neutral or positives please.

I was told after my last post that one friendship that was lost I would regret. But whilst I did the final cutting of strings, the other half of the friendship had already made their decision. Do I regret it? I regret how the friendship came to an end. I would say 99% of some friendships can be brought back to life.

There has also been a flurry of new lives. Lots of new baby cousins for me to adore. When I lost the boys, the very last thing I wanted to do was hold a baby that wasn't mine. Now I just want to snuggle these babies up as there is nothing better than baby snuggles. Just a shame there is the Irish Sea between us to prevent that happening.

So you can see why I labelled this post Topsy Turvey. I have a lot of ups and a lot of downs. But I do bid you all a very Merry Christmas and a gentle one to all my fellow bereaved parents.