Monday 18 December 2017

Feeling Out Of Control

I am doing a lot of soul searching at the moment because I am being made to feel like I am a shit person that no one wants to be friends with.

Background of the story is that I had been feeling like there was something not quite right between me and (now ex) best friend and after debating it for weeks, I finally texted her and asked her if there was anything wrong.

I was right, there was something wrong but what has happened since has left me feeling shaken, heartbroken, destroyed and vulnerable. I was given a list of things (I felt/feel perhaps they were minor and fixable) and it was signed off as "I have tried for 3 months and I can't do it anymore". Which I read as I can't try anymore so I don't want anything more to do with you. Is that a natural assumption?

Being heartbroken, I sobbed to my husband about how shit of a person I must be and he jumped to my defence saying that it can't be me as all I did was asked if there was anything wrong and she hadn't said anything - would she of ever said anything? He was naturally upset and hurt because it wasn't just me, it was his friendship with her too. Unknown to me, he messaged her and asked a couple of questions, the number 1 was, was she faking the friendship for the last 3 months. Now its not as if we had hardly seen each other. We spent at least 1 whole day together once a week, we used to speak every day on the phone and constantly message each other. We had only just had lunch together a few days prior. She responded with how could you think that of me, but I still think he was right in wanting to know. She declared it was me who ended the friendship not her. She also said her kids were poorly and she didn't want to talk.

So when he told me what happened, naturally, I messaged to say I hoped the kids would get better soon and if there was anything I could do. I explained how I read her message and if it was a mistake (which I hoped) then I hope we can sort things out. Knowing her focus would be on the kids, I told her I would give her space and contact her a few days later to see how everyone was and her thoughts on our friendship.

I held out hope, I thought she would be fine and we could sort everything out. We just needed to sit down and discuss what her issues were and for me to explain things that she didn't understand. Except she didn't answer my first message. I then called her and it rang out. So I messaged her again to see if everything was okay.

The following 24hrs are such a blur, I don't know where to begin. She kept saying little things that had bothered her and I responded with an explanation and an apology. But each comeback would again be about something that could be easily explained and was misunderstood as there was good intentions behind it but it wasn't apparent at the time. There was something about a phone call, a call I don't remember happening but I gave my opinion on what the scenario would have been if it happened a couple of days ago rather than months. Then she said I announced her new baby's name on Facebook before she did. I know in my heart that I wouldn't have done it without something from them, I know how precious it is. However, when I went back through, the evidence showed me that I did actually do it and I apologised profusely.

What did I get back? She snapped at me because she felt I implied she had deleted it. I never said such a thing, I merely pointed out the evidence was not in my favour and I was completely in the wrong for it. She told me I was stressing her out and to leave her alone. So I have.

But I am broken. I am lost. I have no idea where all of this had come from because she hadn't said anything at all. If she had said at the time, I don't like this - I would have said sorry and not done it again. Apparently, I wasn't like her other friends. No, because I am me and that was the reason we were friends in the first place, so I thought. I am struggling to comprehend how easily she pushed me out and bolted the door shut and it has made me question everything about myself.

I can't be that shit of a friend because I have lots of other friends who have never once said anything like she has done. But its not just her actions towards me. It's the actions of those who I thought were in our friendship circle, those who I thought I had a friendship aside from knowing her. But I have been ostracised from them. They have all closed the door on us. I have no idea what she has said to them, I would love to know because I have a side to tell. I am stood here not knowing exactly what it is I have done. Its hurtful that all the good times have been cast aside, all the memories we had, because of a few things she wasn't happy about - which she never told me about. However, the blame is being laid at my door.



They said that they will always remember your mistakes but never remember the good memories. This I have found to be true. I cannot help but also think that the 'new' friend she made had also caused this. It cannot surely be coincidental that the precise moment this friend walked in was also the same time I was pushed out. I am struggling because ever 'reason' given to me, was something that could easily be solved. If only she would talk to me, meet me for a cuppa, let's hash it out.

The hardest part is the fact that despite how I felt and feel, my arms are open and I would accept her back into my life. Though I know that it will never be the same, I would be threading on eggshells for a while. As for everyone else, what did I do to you? I get that you feel you should take her side because you have known her longer but I thought we were friends away from her. I thought you were my friend too.

The hardest goodbyes are definitely the ones with no explanation or understanding and its like a grief cycle all over again. Except, she is going about her life, believing I am the worst person ever. Whilst I am struggling to just grasp a tiny minuscule of what has happened.

So the soul searching continues, I need to find my place in the world again. I need to understand myself and how I could put myself in a situation where I allowed myself to get so close to someone again, only for them to rip my heart out. Nothing makes sense. Each day, I wonder. I wonder if she would realise she made a mistake. If she would say sorry too. Every day I know its not going to happen. I never thought she would be like this so is it my fault for being vulnerable?

I can feel the walls of agoraphobia closing in and I am counting down the minutes to the Christmas holidays from school for Princess. I need her more than anything. She is my reason for living. I need her to absorb my thoughts, because if I don't control them, they stray to thoughts of her and then I go over everything once again.

Am I just this shit person like she makes me feel?


Tuesday 11 July 2017

Periods and Puppies

So the puppy has got her period.

Things I have learned in the last 4-5 days about girls on periods...

They are needy. The puppy is constantly wanting attention, affection, and cuddles. The lab is getting the brunt of her behaviour - always wanting to play, always at him to play and fight with her. I feel like telling her that the treat them mean, keep them keen doesn't work with him. He can take you or leave you. You are his little sister and yeah, he misses you when you are not around but then he gets 100% attention and so much more spoilt.

She constantly wants food. As in, I have just been fed, feed me again. Wait you've moved, is it food? I will sit, right up in your face whilst you eat, just in case you drop a tiny crumb. Heaven forbid you should try and slyly give the lab a treat. That girl has supersonic hearing or a sixth sense.

She needs to pee constantly. This is the puppy who won't go out in the dark on her own as she's scared. The same puppy who won't go out in the garden if its raining but if you dare to leave her behind on a walk. On your head be it. So much so, that on my clean, yep, clean sheets, she got caught short, she couldn't hold it in. I could have cried right there as I was about to go to bed.

She's taken to being destructive again - so far we have lost Mulan (barbie doll), a beanie Tigger, a Cow (teddy) and a Turtle (teddy). So far, Little Miss only knows about Tigger (which mummy is looking for on eBay as she can't be bothered to sew it) and Mulan. I didn't want Mulan either but daddy insisted she have the range!

She's emotional. I want you, I want you, I want you. Don't come near me, I don't want you. I want you Mummy.

New found respect to all the men in our lives - how am I going to cope in 6 years time?

Tuesday 4 July 2017

June's Update

So I lost my blogging mojo. To be honest, I don’t feel like this blog is no longer, solely, going to be about being a bereaved mama. I will always be a mummy whose babies have died. Their presence, their deaths, will always impact my life but I am no longer absorbed in the grief of life.

I have a rainbow princess, who I adore. Who is now 6 years old. I mean, how did that happen? 6 years of parenting her, 6 years of light after darkness. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been a bed of roses. I am still a parent at the end of the day. She frustrates me, she pushes my buttons, she pushes me to the brink and then in one small look, gesture, saying… I am right back adoring her and all that is her being.

Did I mention she turned 6? 6 is mega old. It’s the age where they are no longer littlies. She is in the growing up phase. Overnight, I swear, she changed. She was taller, smarter, wiser, more beautiful than she was when she went to sleep. I adore her. Every last bit. Even when she lost all her birthday presents and party on her birthday because of a 5am wake up that resulted in an over-tired, hyper, over-excited and overwhelmed birthday girl, who declared that her birthday was rubbish because we didn’t play on anything in the bowling place. Yeah, you read that right. We only popped into look at maybe doing the arcades but Hollywood Bowl has a funky new system of where you need a pre-paid card to play the machines. So of course, it was not working. Queue meltdown.

She spent the following day (party day) making up for her bad behaviour by earning her presents back with good behaviours, nice manners, kindness and love. It may sound harsh to some but that is how we parent. She pushed us to the brink and the only way we could regain the control is to take away what caused the tantrum – her birthday. It makes her appreciative of what she has because she then earned everything bit by bit and she was able to play with each one rather than have a massive pile, where she doesn’t know what to do next.

She had a lovely weekend, so did my bank balance! Thank god it is only once a year. I had to pay for our holiday as well this month so I am currently living within my means. I really cannot wait for payday so I can stop panicking every time I need to check the balance of my account!

This used to be me all the time but we got so good with money, I use to always feel safe in the knowledge, that I had money sitting in my account. Now I don’t like it! I am praying for my graphic work orders to see me through as well! I best start saving for next year’s shenanigans! Thankfully, it falls on a weekend!

What I adored about her was the fact that during all the craziness, she asked to go and see her brothers (the cemetery). She wanted to tell them about her birthday, show them her new bike and her pretty dress that Nanna and Grandad got. She asked why they lived there and we spoke about how it is just their garden and the place we come to say hello and talk to them but really they live in Heaven, with mummy’s granny and grandad and our bunny, Oscar. We spoke about Heaven and what its like and what she imagines it to be. I told her how I imagined it to be. We spoke about how they are always with us, in our hearts and when we see the butterflies and the robins. I swear the day she tells me she’s playing with them in her room, I won’t know whether to cry in happiness or fear LOL!

So that’s our little update for now… Same ol’ shit from the grown ups but I have faith we will make it, our track record is 100% so far..

Sunday 30 April 2017

Last Day of April....

I can already feel the ball of grief getting bigger in my stomach. How quickly has it come around, it was only the other week that it was your brother's birthday and I am now turning my attention to the fact you are going to be 8.

8 years old. I have been on this rollercoaster of motherhood for almost 8 years. Unless you count the 9 months you were in my tummy.

I always say you are the best thing to ever happen to me. Your death was the worst thing. Being your mummy is the greatest role I could have ever have asked for.

I often read the stories about Madeline McCann and I draw parallels from their journey into mind. Except, I know you are dead and I have somewhere I can go to be with you. Kate wrote how she still buys Madeline birthday and Christmas presents and they are piled in her room, for when she comes home. She has the belief, the want and the desire to believe that she will come home one day and see how much she was loved in the 10 years that she has been gone.

And then I look at my life and I wonder would you and your brother see the same. I know you both can't come home. You have lots of different homes. You live in the cemetery, where your bodies are buried. Your souls fly free and I hope are always with us. I imagine you live in my Granny's house, with the field next door and its nothing but sunshine, rainbows and happy days. And of course, there is the home that is buried in my heart and soul.

Just like the famous lines from E.E. Cummings... "I carry your heart with me, (I carry it in
my heart), I am never without it..."

My therapist recommended a book to me, its entitled 'Overcoming Grief' and the title gripes me.

Can you ever overcome grief? Do I want to overcome it, surely is the question...

I explained to her that for me, everything is entwined in one. The good memories, the bad memories, the positive and negative emotions. The flashbacks, the pain, the anger... I don't want to let the negatives go because it is entwined so I feel I am also letting go of the positive. Which means letting go off them.

One of the bereaved parents I am very good friends with, is deservedly, feeling a lot of anger at the moment. I felt his pain, his anger, the way he blogged to make people understand that it wasn't about them, it was about his child who died. I don't have the raw anger anymore and told him I feel more passive about everything. Emotionally numb is probably the right phrase. I am past the raw anger stage, I have the why me anger instead.

I saw a powerful quote the other day which summarised what it is like to be on this 'journey' so to speak...

"Grief is not a nuisance, an obstacle or a mess that can be easily rectified. It is a way of life. It is everything you never thought could happen but did anyway"

We all live in this bubble where we believe that things will never happen to us. I never thought that I would be writing this blog about how the deaths of my two sons, shaped my life and the highs and lows it brings since their deaths, since their sister was born and my mental health struggles since.

Social media allows us to be open, without having to be open. I struggle to say outloud when I am having a bad day or I am struggling... be it mental health, grief, loss, life in general but it is funny how sharing a post, or a meme can tell the world that life isn't great at that point, or it can tell them that life is okay.

So this is me, saying life is okay but its not. In 12 days time, I am celebrating another birthday without you.

But it is also the start of 142 days worth of memories of you.

You were real.

You existed.

You lived.

Thursday 27 April 2017

iTalk

I have an iTalk session today.

This is my therapy sessions and initially they were very helpful and helped me to see things in a different light. It also gave me a diagnosis.

However, before Christmas, she felt we needed to focus more on one area than just general therapy. She felt we needed to tackle my agoraphobia.

We did.

It was hard.

But I am now able to go to my local town without having a panic attack or anxiety attack. I can even go alone. Something I wasn't able to do a year ago. So I am probably where I was 2 years ago. I still cannot go to the big town or to my local Asda (its huge and it petrifies me). She asked if we could tackle these areas but I said to her the thought of Asda freaks me out completely. And as for the big town... she doesn't understand that yes we can work on consisitent exposure for it and I may be able to conquer it but its not somewhere I go often enough so that if I did conquer it then I may not go for 3 or so months. So it feels defeatist to begin it. I have taken baby steps when we do go and I feel that she has given me the tools to work through it when I do go.

So she asked, what did I want to get out of the sessions now.

The answer is to feel normal.

But I don't think that is possible.

I overthink things. I worry incessantly about things. I like to "control" things so I know where everything is, what is happening when, that I have what I need. I have OCD - but I like my house tidied the way I like it tidy. I like things in order so its easy to find and locate. I hate mess (and the current state of my house prickles at me but the curse of redecorating!).

I hate the fact that their birthdays and anniversaries bring up flashbacks and memories. But then I like that because it reminds me that they were here. The heartbreak is a reminder of the loss of them, and is immeasurable to the love I have for them.

I hate PTSD. I hate the bad memories. I hate reliving his death. I panic when I see an ambulance. I want everyone to move out of the way, because I was in there once. I don't remember the journey but what if someone being in our way, would have made a difference. But realistically, I know he was gone before we got into that ambulance.

But all of this is entwined with them. If I 'fix' it, what will happen to them? Will they not exist? But of course they existed and they do exist.

Everyone sees me as this strong woman, but I am far from it. I feel like I am threading water, but the performance of being a strong woman is so good, I think I convince myself most of the time.

I worry about my husband. He is depressed. I feel like I need to stop focusing on me because I need to help him, help himself.

I feel like I have too many pennies in the pot right now, they all add up but they need to stay in the pot because I need to save him. I need to save my marriage.


Thursday 16 March 2017

Anxiety....

Having anxiety is no fun.

The OED defines Anxiety as:

"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome"; with synonyms varying from concern or unease to fear and stress.

But what does it truly mean to have anxiety?

Let's look at Jack and Jill. They had to climb the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack doesn't think twice and skips off with the bucket.

Jill worries about getting to the top, what if I fell, what would Jack do, what would Jack say. Would he laugh at me? Would he tease me? What if I don't make it to the top, I mean it's a very tall hill. Do I really need to fetch the water with Jack, can he not go on his own. No, I can do it. I mean Jack finds it so easy and effortless to wander up the hill. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking why am I taking so long. I know, I will put this happy face on and carry on. If I act okay, then it will be okay. Right? No one knows what I am thinking. But what if they do. What if they are mind readers? Oh I don't know. Oh look we are half way up now. The view is pretty. So you could say, I am half way there I guess. And I have done half. But I am only a quarter of the way because I still have to get to the top, get the water and carry it down. I wonder how we can get the bucket in the well. Jack better be careful carrying it down as I don't want to drop it, or slip. Is there even water in the well? Jack's talking to me, and I can't remember what he was saying because I was too busy overthinking the whole water-bucket-well. If I do this once, then I will be okay, cos I surely can do it again. I don't want to do it again, but I know it hasn't been so bad. Oh look, what a lovely day weather wise. I could be doing so many other things. Ah we are at the top now. Just got to get the water and go home. Perhaps we can play after this, I wonder what Jack is thinking. Is it nearly time for food, I am hungry. Okay, time to go Jill, calm down and take a deep breath. It won't be so hard going down. Still a lovely day but this bucket is so heavy. I wish Jack would stop being silly, he might spill some of the water and then we will be in trouble. Oh man, its so heavy, what if I fall over as we carry it down. JACK STOP IT! Uh-oh, Jack's fallen over, OMG is he okay? What if he's dead, what if he's broken something. OMG what do I do? Time to think straight Jill before you get yourself in any bother. Oh dear, I just tripped and stumbled too. Luckily the bucket is okay and I didn't go as far as Jack. He looks like he is crying. So glad it wasn't me, everyone would laugh if it was me and I would never live it down. Everyone will probably see my pants or something, why is it easier for boys than girls to have trips and falls! Looks like Jack broke his crown but he will be a hero before too long and they will forget about me. Do I want them to forget about me? Maybe its best if I was as silly as Jack!

I deliberately didn't break up the paragraphs because that is how it runs through my head when it is anxiety. One minute I can be totally focused and then a million and one thoughts come in and out of my brain at a million miles and hour. I know, rationally, it is not Jack's fault and it was an accident but all the thoughts weave in and out of my brain. In reality, the event probably only lasted 5 or so minutes but Jill would have been having the thoughts before they set off. 

It takes one tiny trigger to get off this mindless anxiety but it never is the same trigger and once you get over one, another one happens. The most important thing to remember is that anxiety is OUT OF OUR CONTROL. When it happens, how long, what happens through an attack... none of it is controlled by the person having an anxiety attack. They don't want to go through as much as you don't want them to go through it but it controls them.

So how can you help someone through it. Be there. Don't say they are crazy, not to worry, nothing bad will happen. Because they are all ready preempting the worry and bad things. And they most certainly are not crazy. LISTEN. Listen to their worries and anxieties. REASSURE them that you will be there every step of the way, regardless if they never make it to the top of the hill. We may need to be held, we may need a guiding hand, a gentle voice, or we may just need to be left alone. But not too alone. 

You can read a million and one different versions of anxiety attacks and varying reports of how anxiety affects someone but each person has a different anxieties. Just like how our fingerprints are unique. Anxiety is too. Try to understand, be patient, be supportive. If they have a specific way of relaxing after an attack, be kind. For example, if they like to chill with a book. Make them a cup of tea, light a candle, lay the book out. Or if they like to hide away under a blanket - pull the curtains, turn out the light, grab a big blanket or one for each of you and sit with them. Put a film on, or watch trashy TV. These small actions show us you care. They show you understand.They are acts of love.

Three things that perhaps in that moment, we need to feel because having anxiety, and an attack, can and does render us so helpless to our minds, knowing that someone understands and cares enough to notice that this is what helps you unwind after, can and does help with future attacks.

Sunday 15 January 2017

Where Have I Been?

Here. In the background.

I haven't known exactly what to say or how to get it all out in some sort of sense... so I have stayed away.

A lot of change has happened since April 2016; "sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearer" and that's exactly what I did with a friendship. I had known for around a year that perhaps I wasn't as important to her as I thought I was. I tried hard to give her the benefit of the doubt with personal things going on but the more distance there was, the harder it was to try to connect with her again.

But then to be accused of never being there for her, especially when she felt I should have been was uncalled for. I always dropped everything to help her, be there for her, to do whatever she wanted. Nonetheless when things were so bad for her. I was pushed out by her family when I wanted to be there for her but still that is my fault.

I know now that no matter what I do, did, say or said; it would never be enough. Not that I would ever be allowed to say what my version of events were. She thinks that I am wrong and she is right and no one is allowed to differentiate from that.

I have since learned that our friendship was toxic. I have read lots of different things about emotional abuse and in hindsight, perhaps that is what our friendship was in the end.I know I am better off without her and am discovering who I really am. It is like stepping out of the shadows and into the light.

I am also stepping out behind the shadows of my anxiety. I am finally getting support with it but it does mean I am facing demons that I didn't know how buried they had been. Instead of just being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD, turns out I have much bigger issues. Try PTSD, OCD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Trauma Related Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia and Depression.

I have pretty much become housebound with the agoraphobia and the anxiety levels are through the roof. My socialisation had become minute and very selective. It was a case of needing to try and fix it so that princess's life wasn't effected anymore than it already was and before she realises mummy is a basket case!

So how's it going? Um, I am not sure. Currently we are exploring the Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety and I am having exposure therapy - not gone too well that one; I was the one crying in the middle of a shopping centre because I literally couldn't cope with the anxiety attack. But I survived it and I am here telling you all about it!

There are days where I literally don't want to get out of bed; I just want to sleep it away an hope to wake up in a better mood. I am grateful for the friends who stick by me. I have good friends who don't let me wallow for too long before pulling me out from drowning in my anxiety bubble. I am entirely grateful for my low maintenance friends who are happy with texting, Facebook and Instagram contact but then there are the ones who keep promising to meet up.

I don't mean to come across clingy or needy but its a big deal for me to want to see you, to meet up with you. Please do keep to arrangements or come back to me when you say you will. It hurts so much when I then don't hear from you. Social anxiety is a bitch and I will create a scenario where it is my fault and the reason you don't want to meet is because of me. If it's true then say so. Don't let me torture myself any more than I already do. Or if it is just because you forget all the time, then don't forget, make a plan and stick to it. And if you can't do that, then please, don't offer the olive branch of 'hey let's meet up'.

I am in an okay place most of the time. As we near littlest' birthday, I am finding it harder. Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of eldest's 20 week scan. Just a scan. But it was the scan that changed everything. It was the moment in our lives where the naivety of expecting our first child turned our world and little did we know that 40 weeks later, we would have said goodbye to that little boy. So I got all emotional at the cemetery, for the first time in a while. It is so hard to comprehend that I should have three children fighting for cuddles every day; a 7 year old, an almost 7 year old and a 5 year old. Coupled with the princess cat, the dog and our newest 4 legged addition!

We got a cockapoo!

It was a spur of the moment decision, probably one that we should have thought about a bit more in hindsight. The bunny died unexpectedly which broke me into a million pieces. The last time I felt that way was 19th February 2010. He was my snuggly one. He would give the best cuddles and he was gone. My friend was getting a cockapoo and the sister of the puppy was still available. I did fall in love with her when we went to visit but not in a way where I wanted to bring it home. I thought our family was just right. We nicknamed her Mia... well I didn't, Princess and the husband did. Then one afternoon, he said let's get her. I was in shock. It's like finding out you are pregnant unexpectedly!

So she is a pickle. She is still a puppy. The dog is used to her now but he's also a daddy. I think I would have preferred one of his puppies but I have to say the pickle does give nice cuddles! She is very clingy and does follow you around. She also gets jealous if you give the dog attention and not her. When she's not having accidents (touch wood they are few and far between at the moment) or chewing things (teething at present) then she's adorable. I had forgotten how much hard work the first year is! But the dog is proof it gets easier.

So that's my update for now. I promise to be more regular with the updates, especially on the journey of managing my anxiety. I know there are a lot of you that follow my Facebook page for it. I am thinking of changing the name though - what do you think? Do you think the Diary of a Rainbow Mum is still apt?

Should it be something else?? It's still my diary I guess...! xxx