2009 was his year.
Moving forward to 2010 felt wrong.
2010 became the year of my youngest and ended, probably with,
the title 'the year of surviving the firsts'.
It was written in the stars that 2011 should be a good year. We had another charity auction lined up and the biggest event of our lives was scheduled to take place in the Summer. The birth of our healthy baby.
I won't lie, the first 4 months of 2011, kinda went in a haze. We had our youngest' 1st birthday and that was very difficult and again we clock watched the day.
Didn't help that my husband broke his ankle at the end of March so the R&R of maternity leave didn't amount to much as I was looking after him! Once time got nearer and I got bigger, I began getting stressed, frustrated and VERY emotional.
We had our eldests' 2nd birthday which coincided with their headstone going in. Such a beautiful stone, if I do say so. It just encapsulates them. We initially saw it when we lost our eldest and it was him to a tee and now there is two!
Another birthday we celebrated without them but it was hard knowing his 3rd birthday, their baby sister would be here!
I had always said to the bump I didn't want them to arrive before his birthday so after that they were welcome to come. But they didn't. Each midwife appointment resulted in me being tearful and anxious with her and no amount of comforting words could help. I wanted, needed, to see she was definately okay. I wanted my happily ever after to start. Why was I being tortured like this!!!!
At 38 weeks pregnant, she agreed to refer me back to the consultant as he was the only person who could agree to an induction. I knew it was a long shot due to the fact I had asked for a c-section with the youngest (prior to his death) and was told that it was not in my best interests.
So here I was at 38 weeks pregnant. I had weaned myself off the anti-depressants as I didn't 'need' them so I thought and everything was flooding back. The only resolution I, the midwife, the consultant, the GP, could see to the angst and emotions was to have her here in my arms. I shouldn't need the tablets.
But I wasn't favourable for induction at 38 weeks.
Nor at 39 weeks.
Nor at 40 weeks.
Despite 2 previous false starts, resulting in 2 visits to labour ward in the middle of the night. Nothing. Not a dot!
At 41 weeks pregnant, I had a routine appointment with the midwife and she casually drops into conversation that she can book my induction now as I am officially late and baby looks like there was no budging her. How I could have kissed her!
Baby got her eviction date!!!!!
