Life

I've actually had this post written in my head for some time but not found the words to put it down on paper (or rather online!).

I've not been too good personally for a while, those who know me personally know I struggle leading up to the 1st October and whilst the knot in my stomach and weight on my shoulders are perpetually gone; I still don't feel right. Now I know I will never be 100%, I am not as naive to expect the world to go back to how it was, before I lost my babies. But I know when I am not right. No significant illness, rather a mismatch of symptoms. The point of this is I silently, sought help. Which is a big thing for me as I don't often admit I am struggling. I'm no way near being fixed but baby steps are being taken.

However, I have become increasingly aware that seeing things on a daily basis will and would not help. On 1st October, a heart baby, who's family I have been supporting for the last 4 months, died. They knew she was going to and suggested those who wanted to say goodbye, do so ASAP. I was devastated for them but said I couldn't face visiting the same hospital I was in 4 years prior, I can and could feel my knees going from keeping me upright. I didn't expect a reply and didn't get one.

She peacefully passed away on his anniversary but what I hadn't expected since was pictures on Facebook of this tiny little girl's last moments, nor was I expecting to see pictures of her in the mortuary. I have my own memories which are far too vivid for my liking and to see another child in the space where my son was, on a social networking site, broke me into a thousand pieces. The mum had put that she didn't care who it upset as she felt it helped her, but I wonder how someone can feel that that would be okay. Judging by the positive comments, it was accepted by her friends. To me, they are deeply personal photos and I have openly struggled with losing my children so do not need vivid, stark reminders on a place where you have no way of knowing it was going to appear.

I did offer my condolences privately and support if they needed someone to talk to but got no reply. Not even a thank you. 

They have since been asking for financial help towards the child's funeral. Not the funeral per se, but the clothes for the family (as they have specified a dress code), paying for a wake, and then the plot fees and headstone.

I would never have dreamed to ask this publicly (not privately). I've also been made aware from a fellow heart mum that another family have fundraised to pay for their mortgage whilst they are in hospital with their child.

What is this world coming too? Has social networking removed the degree of privacy and what is acceptable and what isn't? I am more than a facebooker than a tweeter but I do not share everything on there. It is a wonderful invention which enables us to keep in touch with everyone and effortless share photos and mark significant events and without it I may not be privileged to have so many wonderful people in my life. That said, am I of a dying breed where some things just should remain private? 

I am acutely aware that what I find unacceptable may be acceptable to others and all of the above is purely my own opinion. 

I just feel perplexed with life. That said I have some truly wonderful friends who without knowing pick me up when I get a text asking if I am okay. The very few who messaged me after the death of the little girl asking me if I was okay for not only being close to the family but for the date it fell on. The friends who say 'fancy meeting up' and going for an autumnly walk with our babies, the friends who make me laugh with our chats about 'OMG what was she wearing?' In a nosy not gossipy nature! 

I so thankful for you wonderful people!! 💋

1st October 2013

Having struggled through most of September, finding the last week or so tougher than normal, I found myself getting to this point again.

Another year, 4 in total, without my boy.

I have no idea at all how I have managed to get through each and every day since he died. I keep being told how strong, inspirational and amazing I am. Although I am flattered, I truly don't feel that way. I feel anything but and especially, I don't feel strong.

I've cried pretty much since Sunday. Tears spilling over as we visited on Sunday, cleaning them up, making them look handsome for today. Sunday marked 4 years since he was checked in the cardiac clinic - the one place where they surely would have found something wrong with him.

I muddled through yesterday, finding heavy eyelids and glancing at the clock to find its 11.30pm. Husband said: "are you staying up til midnight?" - I wasn't intentionally but I might as well. 

Then it came. Midnight. Here I was. 4 years on. I cried. I felt the weight be lifted, the same weight I have been carrying for the last month. I felt the knot in my stomach loosen.

It's been a tough day, up and down, but we have gotten through it. 

Again.