AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

If anyone is reading this, I am sorry but I just feel like I can't talk to anyone at the moment.

I am sat here sobbing because of a stupid mistake by someone else and its not even that big of a deal but for some reason its like the tip of the iceberg.

I want to shout at all my friends and say 'Sorry I am so crap' because I am so emotionally drained at the moment and getting more and more depressive. There is no reason; no trigger, nothing.

My doctor did reduce my anti depressants as she was concerned that my insomnia was due to it being too high but feeling like this now; maybe the insomnia wasn't due to the anti depressants. I am tired still; mainly because princess is waking at night again and the only thing that settles her is a bottle. Bad habit. I know.

Thing is she's grown up so much these last couple weeks; she's not drinking all her bottle at bed time (we still have bedtime cuddles with a bottle) so we put her to bed, awake, with bottle and its empty by the middle of the night and she wants it topped up. Tried taking it away before I go to bed but it makes her worse. Any tips if anyone is reading this?

Tonight, we are going to put her straight to bed and let her drink her bottle by herself (gulp!); see if that works.

Also spied a new tooth this morning too..... but yesterday she was rubbing her right ear and this tooth is at the bottom at the front :-/ #claspingatstraws

I couldn't sleep last night - can't usually when husband comes to bed with me as I am dropping off, he starts snoring, so I wake up to shake him to stop and it continues #viciouscycle

I am also majorily pissed off at falling off the weight loss wagon - 2.5lb on in 2 weeks. I haven't been sticking to it so my own fault really. Going to do clean eating this week to see if that helps..... no fizzy drinks, no crisps, no sweets, no chocolate, no wine #howwillicope?

I do have one concern and I am going to sound majorily stupid for putting this out there but I think saying it out loud  even to myself, may help.

I am scared I am pregnant.

Without going into detail, husband had the snip, I have the coil, we usually use condoms too. Snip not been confirmed that swimmers have ceased swimming. But we got caught up in the moment.

I know the likelihood is minute BUT husband said he thinks it would break us up if I did get accidentally pregnant again. At first, I was so hurt and shocked to the core about it; but as the month has gone on; I feel my own worries taking over.

I know I couldn't cope with the thought of another roller-coaster pregnancy. It is just not fair not only on me, but on all those closely involved. Not that I am saying I would terminate the pregnancy, if there was one, but it would take a lot of getting used to.

So it makes me think; if I feel like this, why not do something more 'permanent'? I got the coil as there was no medications involved and it was sold to me that it should stop periods.... not that I have been that lucky. But what would be my options?

Then the other side of the coin...... I can't forget what that medium said to me.... she was right about everything else up until now.... what if I am meant to have another child? She said a boy. A healthy boy. Thing is we wouldn't willing, actively try for another child. So it would be an act of god and I know there are these stories.

See what I mean?! I can't think straight at the moment!

So why do I think I might be pregnant? I have TTC symptoms and if I was trying I would be symptom spotting.

Sore/tender boobs, cramping, and the obvious tiredness.... Struggling to lose weight.... With all 3 pregnancies my tummy has 'swollen' quickly.... Check!

Someone tell me it's not in my head?

Mediumship

Today I had a reading with an unknown medium that works out of one of the local spiritualist churches.

But before I tell you about that, last night the boys came to play! I was laid in bed, trying to go to sleep - been struggling again lately! As per usual, was waiting for the cat to come for some love and there they were.... jumping on the bed! How I laughed and said hi.

I have felt despondent all day and a bit tearful. I ache for them still.

I went to the reading open minded as usual but secretly hoping they will come through for me as they visited last night. They didn't.

However, I learnt a lot tonight and I am reassured they are with my granny which I knew they would be! I always want them to come through and I think my life would be complete if I did hear from them but I have to move on. It was clear from spirit that I cannot care for Princess if I am too caught up with the boys.

Its the guilt factor again. How can I move on? They are still my babies. When is it right to say 'okay enough is enough'? Does anyone know?

Don't get me wrong I am in a better place than 1, 2 or even 3 years ago but still I get pulled back and the medium picked up on it. She feels another year and I would be healed. Has anyone ever done a spiritual healing?

My husband thinks its a load of tosh really and she was glasping at straws but even he couldn't deny it when she was validating me with things we had done today that no one knew about; painting, clothes, tap.....

That said a visit last week with a friend and her mum was good - helped clarify things. I always felt 'odd' for not being scared of death. Don't get on your high horse but I would be at peace if I died tomorrow because it would be my time with the boys and I know they would be waiting for me. However, I want a long life with Princess and Husband first and I know the boys understand that.

Back to the mediumship - there is an excellent medium up north that my friend's mum is going to get me into next year; she understands as she lost her boy when he was born. I think its safe to say she felt the final weight lifted of her shoulders when he came through.

Maybe I am clasping at straws because I want that too? I will never forget, never not hurt, never not miss, but I want that ache to not be constant, I want to know its right, I want them to say its time mummy, we are okay now, give our sister a big kiss....

I wish there was a bloody manual!

Fireworks

I keep thinking about 2009; why? Because it was just over a month since we said goodbye to my eldest and we went along to the city centre fireworks.

When we got there the sky was black, not a dot in the sky. We walked around before assuming a position for the fireworks and there he was; the biggest brightest star in the sky - my boy.

I sobbed all through the fireworks as he should have been there except he had the best view of all up on his star.

That pain. It's still raw. It's still fresh.

I think about princess and taking her to fireworks but again feels bittersweet and I'm hurting inside.

When does this get easier?

I miss my boys and I almost feel suffocated to the point where I can't say this outloud anymore.

Husband said he sobbed the other night thinking about them - why can't he show me he hurts just as much? Why can't he tell me that it's okay still?

Capture Your Grief 2012

Yesterday marked the end of the project but I didn't complete mine until today; the weather was shocking and the theme was sunset.... Not much of a sunset when you have not seen the sun all day, only the rain!

How did everyone else feel doing it? It's hard as it brings back fresh memories but then it's been cathartic.

It gave me the strength to share a picture of the middle one.... I have never publicly done that before; he quietly assumes position in the house but we don't draw attention to him. This time I was able to say

" Meet my beautiful boy "

Another first, was telling my friends about this place; my sanctuary, my ramblings, my inner most thoughts and feelings.... I love talking on her, I know no one is listening probably but I don't know for sure.

But if you are, then it means you have chosen to listen and hat means the world to me. More than anything.

Rambling now again..., ha ha! Silly old me!