Today I had a reading with an unknown medium that works out of one of the local spiritualist churches.
But before I tell you about that, last night the boys came to play! I was laid in bed, trying to go to sleep - been struggling again lately! As per usual, was waiting for the cat to come for some love and there they were.... jumping on the bed! How I laughed and said hi.
I have felt despondent all day and a bit tearful. I ache for them still.
I went to the reading open minded as usual but secretly hoping they will come through for me as they visited last night. They didn't.
However, I learnt a lot tonight and I am reassured they are with my granny which I knew they would be! I always want them to come through and I think my life would be complete if I did hear from them but I have to move on. It was clear from spirit that I cannot care for Princess if I am too caught up with the boys.
Its the guilt factor again. How can I move on? They are still my babies. When is it right to say 'okay enough is enough'? Does anyone know?
Don't get me wrong I am in a better place than 1, 2 or even 3 years ago but still I get pulled back and the medium picked up on it. She feels another year and I would be healed. Has anyone ever done a spiritual healing?
My husband thinks its a load of tosh really and she was glasping at straws but even he couldn't deny it when she was validating me with things we had done today that no one knew about; painting, clothes, tap.....
That said a visit last week with a friend and her mum was good - helped clarify things. I always felt 'odd' for not being scared of death. Don't get on your high horse but I would be at peace if I died tomorrow because it would be my time with the boys and I know they would be waiting for me. However, I want a long life with Princess and Husband first and I know the boys understand that.
Back to the mediumship - there is an excellent medium up north that my friend's mum is going to get me into next year; she understands as she lost her boy when he was born. I think its safe to say she felt the final weight lifted of her shoulders when he came through.
Maybe I am clasping at straws because I want that too? I will never forget, never not hurt, never not miss, but I want that ache to not be constant, I want to know its right, I want them to say its time mummy, we are okay now, give our sister a big kiss....
I wish there was a bloody manual!
