10 Pieces Of Advice To The Parents Who Have Lost A Child

From one angel mummy to other angel parents...

#1 - Own It

This is your grief. This is your loss. Cry. Don't cry. Scream, hurl abuse or stay silent. No one can or should have the right to tell you how to behave, how to react, how to exist without your child. Not even another angel parent. Each loss is different, that occurs in different circumstances and at different points in life and time. Contextually, they may seem the same on a piece of paper. But no two people are the same. Fully embrace the grief, the loss, the death of YOUR child. It will help in the long run.

#2 - There Is No Right Or Wrong

This entwines with #1, because there is no right or wrong way to grieve, to live without your child. It is against the natural order to be burying a child you have brought into this world. There is no right or wrong way to parent a living child, so why is there a right or wrong way to live without them. Everyone is going to have an opinion, everyone is going to give you advice. What may feel right today, may not tomorrow, and that is okay. Have you ever bought something and at the time thought it was okay, but later reflected on it and its not? Why is this any different? You can't take it back and return it but you can decide, that actually, that its not what is right for you. At the end of the day, it is your child that has died. You are bearing the brunt of this grieving process, so you can decide what may be right or wrong.

#3 - Don't Forget About Dad

Daddy hurts too. Daddy has also lost his child. But he is also your husband/boyfriend/fiance/partner. He is a man. Real men don't show their emotions. Or do they? He is hurting too. He doesn't want to have to be the strong one but if he is not, how can he look after you? Society has cultivated how men should react and behave in certain situations. But we are in the 21st century and so many men are standing up, wanting their voices to be heard too. Everyone rushes to the mum, but take time out to check on him too. He is the one who will be up at night, crying silent tears, so not to wake his partner, because he needs to make sure she is okay. A dad hurts too.

#4 - Friendships

Family is family. Blood ties will always be there. Friendships. Now that is a whole different playing field. Don't be afraid to seek out other bereaved parents. They are the only ones who can make sense of what you are thinking, feeling and saying. Because they will have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. They are the friendships that will last for eternity because you are linked by that invisible cord of recognition. You will also have before-loss friends. The friends that knew your child, knew you before your child died. They are the ones who will Facebook how much they are sorry for your loss and how they are always there for you. But half of them will run a mile. They won't know how to deal with the friend-who-has-lost-a-child. They will shy away from wanting to talk to you, or meet up with you. Now, the other half. They are true friends. The ones who want to know the new 'you' (yes you will be different). They will not be afraid to speak your child's name. They will hold your hand, perhaps cry with you. They will remember with you and grieve with you.

But then there are the after-loss friends. These are also divided into two camps. The ones you lost touch with but heard on the grapevine. They start off with well meaning messages, and the friendship rebuilds itself to the same stature as true friends. The ones that will make you question why you lost touch in the first instance. Then there are the new friends. The ones who know nothing of who you were before your child died, but got to know you weeks, months, years after. The ones who will say 'tell me about your child who died' 'I want to be a good friend to you' - the ones who will cry as you retell funny stories or what happened the day your child died.

Friends are the family we choose.

#5 -Time

Give yourself time to grieve. Its so simple. Don't rush yourself through the process as you will end up back at square 1. Just allow yourself as much time as you can give.

#6 - Work & Money

I've combined both as they go together. If you are employed, then its difficult to think of having to get up and carrying on with that daily routine of going to work. It goes hand and hand with time but then your employer can only give you so much because they are running a business. And without Work there is no Money. Money is the root of all evil. Seriously. You don't worry about it immediately after losing your child, sometime after it, it dawns on you that actually, the reins need tightening. It could be that you are not at work, or work cannot afford to keep paying you. But any nest egg gets eaten up and the sensible person in you begins to worry about the future.

Stop.

It is only money.

Yes we need it for a lot of things. But it cannot buy you more time with your child, more memories, or even just one more kiss and cuddle. It is just money. Nest eggs can be rebuilt again, bills can be sorted out.

There is a dark side to money and that is debt. Sometimes, the black hole just gets too big and Peter begins to rob Paul. And yes it is terrible to get yourself into debt. But one day you will be able to get yourself out of debt, when you are strong enough to face the world again and your grief is not all consuming.

It is only money.

It is not love, memories or your child.

#7 - Mental Health

Most GPs will label it as depression but I would say it is more Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because it is a deeply traumatic moment in your life when you lose your child. Please, do not be afraid to ask for help as if you leave it too late, the mountain gets bigger to climb.

#8 - Talk

Linking in with #7, talk. Find someone to talk to. It is usually better to talk to someone not directly connected to you or your loss. Another bereaved parent, your GP, a counsellor. It may not make sense, it may feel jumbled but you know what, you are talking. And when we talk, it is our minds way of making sense of everything and can be hugely theraputic.

#9 - Emotions

No I am not talking the distraught, the tears, the sadness. But the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, the guilt. These are valid emotions and will come up. I remember the first time I properly laughed after my son died. I went from laughing to sobbing in a spilt second as it then felt instantly wrong because I shouldn't be laughing so soon after. But the truth is, it felt good to laugh and actually feel happy and the guilt ruined it because society almost dictated I should have been in this state of mourning.

#10 - Life After Loss

It does happen. You will stand again. You will look back and think how far you have come. You will shock yourself. You will be proud of yourself. It is not easy, but you will come to a point when you realise that the grief doesn't consume you or control you any more. It's there. It will always be there. But you are able to get through life without it controlling you 100%. It will be there, like the devil on your shoulder, waiting. But it won't be in front of your face, shaking its booty in a dance to rival Beyonce.

It feels like you have to conquer the world before it will even feel marginally normal. But you will get there. Just one step at a time, when it feels right to you.

Finding The Right Words

This blog post is about 3 weeks overdue as I just haven't been able to find the right words to say what I want. If you know me personally, this is a new thing LOL!

I've actually started and deleted countless times.

Nothing seems right.

So this is where I will start, a quote I posted on my Facebook/Twitter pages yesterday:

"They say that time’s supposed to heal ya,

but I ain’t done much healing ...”

(Adele)

 Two sentences that can sum up how I have felt for the last 3 weeks.

I bumbled along in the build up, waiting for it all to hit, being distracted by life in general. Both hubby and I were quite shocked that I hadn't fallen to pieces already.

Then at 10 minutes past midnight on the 1st October, my wifey texts me. And the floodgates open. My heart breaks as if he had died 6 minutes prior, not 6 years. The sobs that leave my body are mirrored from 6 years ago. The pain is so bloody intense and raw, it's as if I had been cut open again. Hence, why I started with that quote. 

But then I have healed. In the sense that life is not one giant obstacle course that I need to get through every single day. The healing is there in the sense that I can and have gotten through the last 2,190 days without him. I have healed from the freshness of grief.

But every single day without him is a rite of passage as I may have lived this date, last 6 years, without him but each one hurts just as much as the previous one.

I sat at their garden reflecting on all their sleeping friends and the pain and agony of seeing how much that row has grown is visually in front of us each and every week. But we are still the only family, that probably comes, every single weekend. There is only 1 other family who comes regularly, but not as frequent as us. I cannot begin to imagine not going every weekend, but then 6 years ago, I couldn't imagine not going every day. I knew one day, I would have to stop visiting every day but I can't see us never going every weekend. Likewise, I don't understand why families only visit on the memorable dates (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...). Don't get me wrong, there is no right or wrong way to travel this path but for me, it is difficult to understand how parents can painfully bury their child but to one visit their garden 2 maybe 3 times a year. I can rationalise it but it doesn't make sense to me at all. I won't delve into who is right or wrong in the scenario and every family has secret heartaches, no one knows about, I just know that it will never be me.

My dear friend, Andy, has done a blog recently, and so many of what he said, is so true. There are key elements, which I hope he doesn't mind me picking out.

Grief. Anger. Stress. Gratitude. Feeling like the world owed you one. Fight. Determination. Control. Grief.

It always comes back to grief. Because that is the beginning and the end.

I remember telling Andy that he will go on a massive roller-coaster ride following the death of his son. And just when he thinks it's coming to an end, there will be a unforeseen twist.

My advice, just go with it. There is no right or wrong way.

And that is what hubby and I always agree on. There is no right or wrong way. Only what is our way.

How we chose to deal with, manage, live, exist, with our loss, our grief, our lives after loss.