Everyone wants happiness
No one wants pain
But you can't have a rainbow
Without a little rain
Sunday 30 September 2012
Thursday 20 September 2012
The Build Up
I know I have said this before but the build up for me is so much more worse than the day itself.
I am emotionally exhausted by all the different emotions. I wake up recalling what I was doing 3 years ago.
I have lost love for the X-Factor when they brought the new judges in last year but have caught a couple of episodes this time round. I have never been a fan of Gary Barlow, but I want to hold him and tell him to grasp the time he has now as life is soon never going to be the same again.
I want to do that, because I wish someone did that to me.
I know I don't really want to have been told that his time will come to an end as I would have waited for it but to just 'know' that it was going to come. Maybe by him being unwell or something.
That is still the most hardest thing to comprehend. That he was perfect, even the cardiac team said so two days prior to his death.
So why?
Why my baby?
Gosh, don't for one second think that I would wish this pain on anyone else. Not even my worse enemy but I still get periods where I want to scream and shout at the injustice of it all?
I know once the time comes and is gone again, I will return to my new 'normal'; it is just these 142 days where I am completely and utterly in a different universe; like I am watching my very own TV show.
I then feel guilty as my pain, hurt and tears are all different for the eldest than it is for my middle child. It is not that I love him any less.
Different, yes, probably.
People solace me with the fact that it is because I have memories of the eldest, I had him earth bound, but they are both my boys, both children I gave birth too.
When the time comes for him, the pain is still raw too; it's just different.
The word 'different' can explain so many things.
I know I am rambling now but it's like the month of September hits and that's it 'bam'; I become reclusive, my anxiety kicks in big time and I shut people out.
It is not personal, its just my inward battle. Thanks for sticking by me.
I am emotionally exhausted by all the different emotions. I wake up recalling what I was doing 3 years ago.
I have lost love for the X-Factor when they brought the new judges in last year but have caught a couple of episodes this time round. I have never been a fan of Gary Barlow, but I want to hold him and tell him to grasp the time he has now as life is soon never going to be the same again.
I want to do that, because I wish someone did that to me.
I know I don't really want to have been told that his time will come to an end as I would have waited for it but to just 'know' that it was going to come. Maybe by him being unwell or something.
That is still the most hardest thing to comprehend. That he was perfect, even the cardiac team said so two days prior to his death.
So why?
Why my baby?
Gosh, don't for one second think that I would wish this pain on anyone else. Not even my worse enemy but I still get periods where I want to scream and shout at the injustice of it all?
I know once the time comes and is gone again, I will return to my new 'normal'; it is just these 142 days where I am completely and utterly in a different universe; like I am watching my very own TV show.
I then feel guilty as my pain, hurt and tears are all different for the eldest than it is for my middle child. It is not that I love him any less.
Different, yes, probably.
People solace me with the fact that it is because I have memories of the eldest, I had him earth bound, but they are both my boys, both children I gave birth too.
When the time comes for him, the pain is still raw too; it's just different.
The word 'different' can explain so many things.
I know I am rambling now but it's like the month of September hits and that's it 'bam'; I become reclusive, my anxiety kicks in big time and I shut people out.
It is not personal, its just my inward battle. Thanks for sticking by me.
