When my first died, I was given the advice that it wouldn't begin to get easier until I had gone through the firsts without him. For example, I knew what it was like to be his mummy the day before he died. I didn't know how to live the first week without him. This pattern continued, 1st month, 1st Christmas, 1st Birthday etc... each one hard. The build up was worse for me than the day. I involuntarily got so worked up prior to each event but the day itself always felt peaceful. Of course there was lots of tears. It got harder once his birthday came round as then it was clock and date watching.
Now with my princess, when she got past 142 days, it was firsts with her. I look at her with fresh eyes every day and she gives me such wonderment. She is my everything. It is not easy, I don't forget her brothers and she will always know about her two special guardian angels. She looks at videos and pictures with a look of familiarity about her.
Life has been, well I guess, easier is the appropiate word. I am not contented as I am not whole, but I am contented because I have her. I 'know' my boys are fine. They don't have poorly hearts in Heaven, they play with each other and all their friends. My grandparents and uncles who have sadly passed are looking after them for us. That brings me back to July last year. She was about a month old and my Uncle died. He had been very poorly with Cancer and we promised to visit with her once we had got into a routine. He had also lost a daughter to a heart problem around 30 years prior so had some knowledge of how we felt. Sadly, he took a turn for the worse and died before he got to meet her. He was the first relative to die since the boys. I found that hard. Selfishly, I wanted it to be me. I want to see them but time again taught me that I have my little girl for now and one day, just one day, we will be reunited.
