I staggered my way through those 8 days.
GP came and gave me tablets to help me get some sleep. They were great stuff, except I never wanted to wake up again, for then I remember, he is gone.
People sometimes question why we chose a burial over a cremation. I am a catholic girl and always brought up with the belief that burial is normal; not that I would have been judged for cremation by myself or the family. My husband and I had the briefest of chats - think it went something like, burial or cremation and we both kind of just agreed burial. I knew if I had him cremated, I would never leave the house again. I would have him with me at all times. The FD, again, the most loveliest man, kindly suggested we go with burial as his coffin will be tiny and also, the ashes wouldn't be much and it would be more distressing. That said, we wanted to have somewhere to go.
Somewhere where it was just him, our thoughts, our feelings, he was in hospital for 7 weeks. They felt like eternity. We wanted to make the most of time at home before the next admission, we did countless things with him, going to the beach, to London, to aquariums, meeting friends, different cities - all to create memories.
But it wasn't enough.
I wanted more.
I remember feeling 'okay' the morning of the funeral, I wanted to look as decent as I could to say a final goodbye. I forewent the make-up but a friend straightened my hair and another did my nails. We asked for no flowers except family as he was so small in that coffin. We said that people could give him a rose, to lay him on a bed of roses, to quote Bon Jovi. We chose red and asked everyone to not use that colour.
My legs buckled when the door went and the FD arrived to take us to church. The very church just 2 weeks prior we had his christening. My husband wanted to be the one to carry him, I don't know where he found the strength cos I would of just collapsed! We sat in that car, with him next to us. I never took my eyes of him.
We chose personal and poignant poems and songs for him. I'll share.
Eva Cassidy's - Somewhere Over The Rainbow
God saw you getting tired, the cure was not to be,
He wrapped you in His loving Arms, and whispered "Come to Me"
You suffered much in silence, your spirit did not bend,
You faced your pain with courage, until the very end.
You tried so hard to stay with us, your fight was not in vain,
God took you to His loving Home, and freed you from your pain.
A golden heart stopped beating, two working hands at rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best.
Faith Hill's - There You'll Be
Although your body we cannot hold, it doesn’t mean you’re gone.
This world was worthy not of you, God chose that you move on.
There is a pain within our souls, what we were forced to face,
You have our word, you’ll feel our arms, some day we will embrace.
We hear that it was meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes,
But that cannot soften the painful blow, or make our hearts not ache.
There’ll come a time, we promise you, when we will hold your hand,
stroke your face, and kiss your lips; and then you’ll understand,
Although you briefly breathed our air, and gazed into our eyes,
That doesn’t mean you’re not with us, an Angel never dies.
G4 - You'll Never Walk Alone
I cried the whole way through the service, he looked too small to be in a coffin. I didn't realise how many people loved him or us until we walked out. My husband carried him and out again.
The poignant thing when we got to the cemetery was the location. When we discussed the cemetery with the FD we went up their after to see if we could see where he would sleep for eternity. We walked all around that damn cemetery and was unsure.
The one part of the cemetery we didn't go to, not that you could miss it, and that was the part he was to sleep forever. My little man was already playing tricks on us.
I lost it when they lowered him in. I had to be pulled back as I want to go with him. He is my life. How on earth was I going to live with out him. It began to rain and the FD gently said they needed to cover him over before it got too muddy.
I told him I would be back tomorrow.
