One of the many things I want to teach my daughter is to be kind, always.
Because of what happened before Christmas, it isn't just me who is feeling the hurt from it. She cannot understand why she cannot see her friends anymore. She just wishes that sorry could be enough.
We had been looking for her snuggie bears for a while. She was given one as a baby and has been attached ever since. We bought more in case she inevitably lost one and we had replacements. Before Christmas, she had 3.
Except we couldn't find them, despite turning the house inside out.
I got a text message from the ex-best friend with a picture of them, asking if they were my daughter's. She knew they were. You can't be in someone's life for so long and not know the sentimental value, never mind the comfort value of these bears. So to get the back, we would have to see her.
So I thought.
Instead, she texted to say she was going to be out for about an hour and they were on her doorstep to be collected. Luckily, we were just about to leave to go out to the beach for the afternoon, so we swung by and got them. She couldn't even be an adult and give them to me personally, she had to be a coward and do it that way. I was half inclined to tell her I will be around when it suits me, not her. But I just wanted to draw a line in the sand.
I still don't know exactly what I have done wrong.
I was there for her countless of times, we had lots of laughters, good memories and I thought we had a solid friendship. She seems to have forgotten the times where we got breakfast together, went for a sneaky lunch together, or hung out at her house. The afternoon teas, the park fun, the road trips. The times when I would drop everything to help her when her anxiety was bad and she couldn't go and collect her daughter from school. The times when I would put my one anxiety issues to one side to help her. The times when I loaned her money and she me. When I would drive her places because she couldn't drive on the motorway. The tea. The cake. The biscuits. Our shared love of TV series. The being there for each other. Her wedding planning, her wedding, the puppy, the new baby.
Yet, the reasons I get that she doesn't want to be friends anymore is I turned up early to see her at the hospital when she had the baby, that I cuddled him too much, that I took too many pictures, that I am not like her other friends, that because of my social anxiety, I often go quiet in groups. I am not loud, I am not clambering to be top dog. I have not known her as long as the others. I don't have the memories of when she was 18, 21, 25. Until I was in their circle, I had no girl friends to talk sex, make-up, boys, facials, spa days and girl problems. I never had any of that until she came into my life.
Another reason was that I said that when I was on annual leave after she had the baby, I would be there to help her. How can you help someone who tells you a, b, and c are there. When they don't answer the phone or texts. I can't be blamed for not being there when I wasn't allowed to be there.
For her husband to tell mine that all she wanted was an apology when I apologised 10 times over.
All the things mentioned where things that could have been resolved at the time of them occurring with a simple 'I don't like it when you do.....'. One by one everyone I knew with her, has walked away. Even the ones I knew before I knew her. Her sheep. They obviously have been told something other than the truth, or if they know the truth that they condone her behaviour. Be sheep, but it is also a judgement of your character that you cannot stand on your own two feet and ask how the other person is. How can your conscious take sides so easily? It's not even about sides. It's about being a decent human being and above all that is not the way you treat someone you care for.
She has made me question every single thing about myself. But I know I am not a horrible person. I know I am genuine, kind, caring and I have a big heart. If I make mistakes, I will apologise if I am told it has upset someone. I never want to upset anyone, especially someone I cared so deeply for.
So I am using this as an example to my daughter on how not to treat people. You tell someone when they upset you and give them a chance to change.
Be kind. Always.
You decide on whether a person is a good person that you want to be friends with.
I had managed to go days, even a couple of weeks, without thinking of her and everything that happened. So I am starting again. I know I am not a horrible person. But I will never trust another. We can never be friends again, because I will never forget how she makes me feel.
All numbers are deleted, no social media contact.
But don't you worry, I have screenshot the messages. If anyone cares to read them and decipher what her issue is, feel free.
She swore she would never treat anyone like this because she was treated the same before. Guess you just did. As they say, what goes around, comes around.
Karma.
Thursday, 15 February 2018
Monday, 1 January 2018
Angel Card Reading
I had angel card reading done on the 27th November by a lady called Rosie.
This is what came up. The numbers I chose were 10, 12 and 19.
Card 10 was "The wheel"
Card 12 was "Awakening"
Card 10 was "The Sun"
The wheel card showed that growth, expansion and success was on route for me. Things can be difficult but the wheel was there to remind me life goes through phases. The angels were not trying to push me but guiding me through powerful life lessons to make me stronger.
I needed to accept the bad times right then and just take them as life lessons. There were a lot of factors causing disruption right then and it felt as though life was just dishing things willy nilly. The angels advice was for me is if I couldn't change a situation then to not stress about it. Focus on aspects of my life that I can change. Remember what goes around comes around and karma will get those who don’t deserve. My 360 life change was on route so cling on right now. Don’t dwell just appreciate the good things.
The awakening card was there because I had a chance to move forward and on with my life but first I had to awaken my past and release it. I had reached a ‘knowingness’ to my surroundings. Trust my gut and my higher self. I know the answers. I would have or will have epiphany in the next few weeks to free me of current situations. I will come to the realisation about what changes I need to make in my life to be on the path of my destiny.
I will get rewarded for my hard work so don’t worry about that. Balance priorities right now and it will help. Great success is to come with the angel card. I could expect the dawning of brilliant new ideas that will lead to wonderful opportunities. I will get public recognition of work linked in the next few months.
I need to build my confidence and treat myself with the same love I would give my child. It showed I'm far too hard on myself and I need to be open to new opportunities and don’t stress it, just move forward and relax, everything will fall in to place.
At the time, it didn't make sense but as things happened that I outlined in my previous post, the reading became clear.
So for 2018, I will always trust my instinct and accept the things that have happened. I have tried reaching out and offering an olive branch and was met by a wall of silence. So I am going to move forward and hope karma pays a visit.
It says more about them and their actions, than it does about me. I am going to focus on the people who do love me and want me in their lives and not on those who walked away.
2018 will hopefully see me come into my own.
Always trust your instincts and believe that everything happens for a reason and if it doesn't make sense at the time, it will do in the days, weeks or months that follow.
This is what came up. The numbers I chose were 10, 12 and 19.
Card 10 was "The wheel"
Card 12 was "Awakening"
Card 10 was "The Sun"
The wheel card showed that growth, expansion and success was on route for me. Things can be difficult but the wheel was there to remind me life goes through phases. The angels were not trying to push me but guiding me through powerful life lessons to make me stronger.
I needed to accept the bad times right then and just take them as life lessons. There were a lot of factors causing disruption right then and it felt as though life was just dishing things willy nilly. The angels advice was for me is if I couldn't change a situation then to not stress about it. Focus on aspects of my life that I can change. Remember what goes around comes around and karma will get those who don’t deserve. My 360 life change was on route so cling on right now. Don’t dwell just appreciate the good things.
The awakening card was there because I had a chance to move forward and on with my life but first I had to awaken my past and release it. I had reached a ‘knowingness’ to my surroundings. Trust my gut and my higher self. I know the answers. I would have or will have epiphany in the next few weeks to free me of current situations. I will come to the realisation about what changes I need to make in my life to be on the path of my destiny.
I will get rewarded for my hard work so don’t worry about that. Balance priorities right now and it will help. Great success is to come with the angel card. I could expect the dawning of brilliant new ideas that will lead to wonderful opportunities. I will get public recognition of work linked in the next few months.
I need to build my confidence and treat myself with the same love I would give my child. It showed I'm far too hard on myself and I need to be open to new opportunities and don’t stress it, just move forward and relax, everything will fall in to place.
At the time, it didn't make sense but as things happened that I outlined in my previous post, the reading became clear.
So for 2018, I will always trust my instinct and accept the things that have happened. I have tried reaching out and offering an olive branch and was met by a wall of silence. So I am going to move forward and hope karma pays a visit.
It says more about them and their actions, than it does about me. I am going to focus on the people who do love me and want me in their lives and not on those who walked away.
2018 will hopefully see me come into my own.
Always trust your instincts and believe that everything happens for a reason and if it doesn't make sense at the time, it will do in the days, weeks or months that follow.
Monday, 18 December 2017
Feeling Out Of Control
I am doing a lot of soul searching at the moment because I am being made to feel like I am a shit person that no one wants to be friends with.
Background of the story is that I had been feeling like there was something not quite right between me and (now ex) best friend and after debating it for weeks, I finally texted her and asked her if there was anything wrong.
I was right, there was something wrong but what has happened since has left me feeling shaken, heartbroken, destroyed and vulnerable. I was given a list of things (I felt/feel perhaps they were minor and fixable) and it was signed off as "I have tried for 3 months and I can't do it anymore". Which I read as I can't try anymore so I don't want anything more to do with you. Is that a natural assumption?
Being heartbroken, I sobbed to my husband about how shit of a person I must be and he jumped to my defence saying that it can't be me as all I did was asked if there was anything wrong and she hadn't said anything - would she of ever said anything? He was naturally upset and hurt because it wasn't just me, it was his friendship with her too. Unknown to me, he messaged her and asked a couple of questions, the number 1 was, was she faking the friendship for the last 3 months. Now its not as if we had hardly seen each other. We spent at least 1 whole day together once a week, we used to speak every day on the phone and constantly message each other. We had only just had lunch together a few days prior. She responded with how could you think that of me, but I still think he was right in wanting to know. She declared it was me who ended the friendship not her. She also said her kids were poorly and she didn't want to talk.
So when he told me what happened, naturally, I messaged to say I hoped the kids would get better soon and if there was anything I could do. I explained how I read her message and if it was a mistake (which I hoped) then I hope we can sort things out. Knowing her focus would be on the kids, I told her I would give her space and contact her a few days later to see how everyone was and her thoughts on our friendship.
I held out hope, I thought she would be fine and we could sort everything out. We just needed to sit down and discuss what her issues were and for me to explain things that she didn't understand. Except she didn't answer my first message. I then called her and it rang out. So I messaged her again to see if everything was okay.
The following 24hrs are such a blur, I don't know where to begin. She kept saying little things that had bothered her and I responded with an explanation and an apology. But each comeback would again be about something that could be easily explained and was misunderstood as there was good intentions behind it but it wasn't apparent at the time. There was something about a phone call, a call I don't remember happening but I gave my opinion on what the scenario would have been if it happened a couple of days ago rather than months. Then she said I announced her new baby's name on Facebook before she did. I know in my heart that I wouldn't have done it without something from them, I know how precious it is. However, when I went back through, the evidence showed me that I did actually do it and I apologised profusely.
What did I get back? She snapped at me because she felt I implied she had deleted it. I never said such a thing, I merely pointed out the evidence was not in my favour and I was completely in the wrong for it. She told me I was stressing her out and to leave her alone. So I have.
But I am broken. I am lost. I have no idea where all of this had come from because she hadn't said anything at all. If she had said at the time, I don't like this - I would have said sorry and not done it again. Apparently, I wasn't like her other friends. No, because I am me and that was the reason we were friends in the first place, so I thought. I am struggling to comprehend how easily she pushed me out and bolted the door shut and it has made me question everything about myself.
I can't be that shit of a friend because I have lots of other friends who have never once said anything like she has done. But its not just her actions towards me. It's the actions of those who I thought were in our friendship circle, those who I thought I had a friendship aside from knowing her. But I have been ostracised from them. They have all closed the door on us. I have no idea what she has said to them, I would love to know because I have a side to tell. I am stood here not knowing exactly what it is I have done. Its hurtful that all the good times have been cast aside, all the memories we had, because of a few things she wasn't happy about - which she never told me about. However, the blame is being laid at my door.
They said that they will always remember your mistakes but never remember the good memories. This I have found to be true. I cannot help but also think that the 'new' friend she made had also caused this. It cannot surely be coincidental that the precise moment this friend walked in was also the same time I was pushed out. I am struggling because ever 'reason' given to me, was something that could easily be solved. If only she would talk to me, meet me for a cuppa, let's hash it out.
The hardest part is the fact that despite how I felt and feel, my arms are open and I would accept her back into my life. Though I know that it will never be the same, I would be threading on eggshells for a while. As for everyone else, what did I do to you? I get that you feel you should take her side because you have known her longer but I thought we were friends away from her. I thought you were my friend too.
The hardest goodbyes are definitely the ones with no explanation or understanding and its like a grief cycle all over again. Except, she is going about her life, believing I am the worst person ever. Whilst I am struggling to just grasp a tiny minuscule of what has happened.
So the soul searching continues, I need to find my place in the world again. I need to understand myself and how I could put myself in a situation where I allowed myself to get so close to someone again, only for them to rip my heart out. Nothing makes sense. Each day, I wonder. I wonder if she would realise she made a mistake. If she would say sorry too. Every day I know its not going to happen. I never thought she would be like this so is it my fault for being vulnerable?
I can feel the walls of agoraphobia closing in and I am counting down the minutes to the Christmas holidays from school for Princess. I need her more than anything. She is my reason for living. I need her to absorb my thoughts, because if I don't control them, they stray to thoughts of her and then I go over everything once again.
Am I just this shit person like she makes me feel?
Background of the story is that I had been feeling like there was something not quite right between me and (now ex) best friend and after debating it for weeks, I finally texted her and asked her if there was anything wrong.
I was right, there was something wrong but what has happened since has left me feeling shaken, heartbroken, destroyed and vulnerable. I was given a list of things (I felt/feel perhaps they were minor and fixable) and it was signed off as "I have tried for 3 months and I can't do it anymore". Which I read as I can't try anymore so I don't want anything more to do with you. Is that a natural assumption?
Being heartbroken, I sobbed to my husband about how shit of a person I must be and he jumped to my defence saying that it can't be me as all I did was asked if there was anything wrong and she hadn't said anything - would she of ever said anything? He was naturally upset and hurt because it wasn't just me, it was his friendship with her too. Unknown to me, he messaged her and asked a couple of questions, the number 1 was, was she faking the friendship for the last 3 months. Now its not as if we had hardly seen each other. We spent at least 1 whole day together once a week, we used to speak every day on the phone and constantly message each other. We had only just had lunch together a few days prior. She responded with how could you think that of me, but I still think he was right in wanting to know. She declared it was me who ended the friendship not her. She also said her kids were poorly and she didn't want to talk.
So when he told me what happened, naturally, I messaged to say I hoped the kids would get better soon and if there was anything I could do. I explained how I read her message and if it was a mistake (which I hoped) then I hope we can sort things out. Knowing her focus would be on the kids, I told her I would give her space and contact her a few days later to see how everyone was and her thoughts on our friendship.
I held out hope, I thought she would be fine and we could sort everything out. We just needed to sit down and discuss what her issues were and for me to explain things that she didn't understand. Except she didn't answer my first message. I then called her and it rang out. So I messaged her again to see if everything was okay.
The following 24hrs are such a blur, I don't know where to begin. She kept saying little things that had bothered her and I responded with an explanation and an apology. But each comeback would again be about something that could be easily explained and was misunderstood as there was good intentions behind it but it wasn't apparent at the time. There was something about a phone call, a call I don't remember happening but I gave my opinion on what the scenario would have been if it happened a couple of days ago rather than months. Then she said I announced her new baby's name on Facebook before she did. I know in my heart that I wouldn't have done it without something from them, I know how precious it is. However, when I went back through, the evidence showed me that I did actually do it and I apologised profusely.
What did I get back? She snapped at me because she felt I implied she had deleted it. I never said such a thing, I merely pointed out the evidence was not in my favour and I was completely in the wrong for it. She told me I was stressing her out and to leave her alone. So I have.
But I am broken. I am lost. I have no idea where all of this had come from because she hadn't said anything at all. If she had said at the time, I don't like this - I would have said sorry and not done it again. Apparently, I wasn't like her other friends. No, because I am me and that was the reason we were friends in the first place, so I thought. I am struggling to comprehend how easily she pushed me out and bolted the door shut and it has made me question everything about myself.
I can't be that shit of a friend because I have lots of other friends who have never once said anything like she has done. But its not just her actions towards me. It's the actions of those who I thought were in our friendship circle, those who I thought I had a friendship aside from knowing her. But I have been ostracised from them. They have all closed the door on us. I have no idea what she has said to them, I would love to know because I have a side to tell. I am stood here not knowing exactly what it is I have done. Its hurtful that all the good times have been cast aside, all the memories we had, because of a few things she wasn't happy about - which she never told me about. However, the blame is being laid at my door.
They said that they will always remember your mistakes but never remember the good memories. This I have found to be true. I cannot help but also think that the 'new' friend she made had also caused this. It cannot surely be coincidental that the precise moment this friend walked in was also the same time I was pushed out. I am struggling because ever 'reason' given to me, was something that could easily be solved. If only she would talk to me, meet me for a cuppa, let's hash it out.
The hardest part is the fact that despite how I felt and feel, my arms are open and I would accept her back into my life. Though I know that it will never be the same, I would be threading on eggshells for a while. As for everyone else, what did I do to you? I get that you feel you should take her side because you have known her longer but I thought we were friends away from her. I thought you were my friend too.
So the soul searching continues, I need to find my place in the world again. I need to understand myself and how I could put myself in a situation where I allowed myself to get so close to someone again, only for them to rip my heart out. Nothing makes sense. Each day, I wonder. I wonder if she would realise she made a mistake. If she would say sorry too. Every day I know its not going to happen. I never thought she would be like this so is it my fault for being vulnerable?
I can feel the walls of agoraphobia closing in and I am counting down the minutes to the Christmas holidays from school for Princess. I need her more than anything. She is my reason for living. I need her to absorb my thoughts, because if I don't control them, they stray to thoughts of her and then I go over everything once again.
Am I just this shit person like she makes me feel?
Tuesday, 11 July 2017
Periods and Puppies
So the puppy has got her period.
Things I have learned in the last 4-5 days about girls on periods...
They are needy. The puppy is constantly wanting attention, affection, and cuddles. The lab is getting the brunt of her behaviour - always wanting to play, always at him to play and fight with her. I feel like telling her that the treat them mean, keep them keen doesn't work with him. He can take you or leave you. You are his little sister and yeah, he misses you when you are not around but then he gets 100% attention and so much more spoilt.
She constantly wants food. As in, I have just been fed, feed me again. Wait you've moved, is it food? I will sit, right up in your face whilst you eat, just in case you drop a tiny crumb. Heaven forbid you should try and slyly give the lab a treat. That girl has supersonic hearing or a sixth sense.
She needs to pee constantly. This is the puppy who won't go out in the dark on her own as she's scared. The same puppy who won't go out in the garden if its raining but if you dare to leave her behind on a walk. On your head be it. So much so, that on my clean, yep, clean sheets, she got caught short, she couldn't hold it in. I could have cried right there as I was about to go to bed.
She's taken to being destructive again - so far we have lost Mulan (barbie doll), a beanie Tigger, a Cow (teddy) and a Turtle (teddy). So far, Little Miss only knows about Tigger (which mummy is looking for on eBay as she can't be bothered to sew it) and Mulan. I didn't want Mulan either but daddy insisted she have the range!
She's emotional. I want you, I want you, I want you. Don't come near me, I don't want you. I want you Mummy.
New found respect to all the men in our lives - how am I going to cope in 6 years time?
Things I have learned in the last 4-5 days about girls on periods...
They are needy. The puppy is constantly wanting attention, affection, and cuddles. The lab is getting the brunt of her behaviour - always wanting to play, always at him to play and fight with her. I feel like telling her that the treat them mean, keep them keen doesn't work with him. He can take you or leave you. You are his little sister and yeah, he misses you when you are not around but then he gets 100% attention and so much more spoilt.
She constantly wants food. As in, I have just been fed, feed me again. Wait you've moved, is it food? I will sit, right up in your face whilst you eat, just in case you drop a tiny crumb. Heaven forbid you should try and slyly give the lab a treat. That girl has supersonic hearing or a sixth sense.
She needs to pee constantly. This is the puppy who won't go out in the dark on her own as she's scared. The same puppy who won't go out in the garden if its raining but if you dare to leave her behind on a walk. On your head be it. So much so, that on my clean, yep, clean sheets, she got caught short, she couldn't hold it in. I could have cried right there as I was about to go to bed.
She's taken to being destructive again - so far we have lost Mulan (barbie doll), a beanie Tigger, a Cow (teddy) and a Turtle (teddy). So far, Little Miss only knows about Tigger (which mummy is looking for on eBay as she can't be bothered to sew it) and Mulan. I didn't want Mulan either but daddy insisted she have the range!
She's emotional. I want you, I want you, I want you. Don't come near me, I don't want you. I want you Mummy.
New found respect to all the men in our lives - how am I going to cope in 6 years time?
Tuesday, 4 July 2017
June's Update
So I lost my blogging mojo. To be honest, I don’t feel like this blog is no longer, solely, going to be about being a bereaved mama. I will always be a mummy whose babies have died. Their presence, their deaths, will always impact my life but I am no longer absorbed in the grief of life.
I have a rainbow princess, who I adore. Who is now 6 years old. I mean, how did that happen? 6 years of parenting her, 6 years of light after darkness. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been a bed of roses. I am still a parent at the end of the day. She frustrates me, she pushes my buttons, she pushes me to the brink and then in one small look, gesture, saying… I am right back adoring her and all that is her being.
Did I mention she turned 6? 6 is mega old. It’s the age where they are no longer littlies. She is in the growing up phase. Overnight, I swear, she changed. She was taller, smarter, wiser, more beautiful than she was when she went to sleep. I adore her. Every last bit. Even when she lost all her birthday presents and party on her birthday because of a 5am wake up that resulted in an over-tired, hyper, over-excited and overwhelmed birthday girl, who declared that her birthday was rubbish because we didn’t play on anything in the bowling place. Yeah, you read that right. We only popped into look at maybe doing the arcades but Hollywood Bowl has a funky new system of where you need a pre-paid card to play the machines. So of course, it was not working. Queue meltdown.
She spent the following day (party day) making up for her bad behaviour by earning her presents back with good behaviours, nice manners, kindness and love. It may sound harsh to some but that is how we parent. She pushed us to the brink and the only way we could regain the control is to take away what caused the tantrum – her birthday. It makes her appreciative of what she has because she then earned everything bit by bit and she was able to play with each one rather than have a massive pile, where she doesn’t know what to do next.
She had a lovely weekend, so did my bank balance! Thank god it is only once a year. I had to pay for our holiday as well this month so I am currently living within my means. I really cannot wait for payday so I can stop panicking every time I need to check the balance of my account!
This used to be me all the time but we got so good with money, I use to always feel safe in the knowledge, that I had money sitting in my account. Now I don’t like it! I am praying for my graphic work orders to see me through as well! I best start saving for next year’s shenanigans! Thankfully, it falls on a weekend!
What I adored about her was the fact that during all the craziness, she asked to go and see her brothers (the cemetery). She wanted to tell them about her birthday, show them her new bike and her pretty dress that Nanna and Grandad got. She asked why they lived there and we spoke about how it is just their garden and the place we come to say hello and talk to them but really they live in Heaven, with mummy’s granny and grandad and our bunny, Oscar. We spoke about Heaven and what its like and what she imagines it to be. I told her how I imagined it to be. We spoke about how they are always with us, in our hearts and when we see the butterflies and the robins. I swear the day she tells me she’s playing with them in her room, I won’t know whether to cry in happiness or fear LOL!
So that’s our little update for now… Same ol’ shit from the grown ups but I have faith we will make it, our track record is 100% so far..
I have a rainbow princess, who I adore. Who is now 6 years old. I mean, how did that happen? 6 years of parenting her, 6 years of light after darkness. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been a bed of roses. I am still a parent at the end of the day. She frustrates me, she pushes my buttons, she pushes me to the brink and then in one small look, gesture, saying… I am right back adoring her and all that is her being.
Did I mention she turned 6? 6 is mega old. It’s the age where they are no longer littlies. She is in the growing up phase. Overnight, I swear, she changed. She was taller, smarter, wiser, more beautiful than she was when she went to sleep. I adore her. Every last bit. Even when she lost all her birthday presents and party on her birthday because of a 5am wake up that resulted in an over-tired, hyper, over-excited and overwhelmed birthday girl, who declared that her birthday was rubbish because we didn’t play on anything in the bowling place. Yeah, you read that right. We only popped into look at maybe doing the arcades but Hollywood Bowl has a funky new system of where you need a pre-paid card to play the machines. So of course, it was not working. Queue meltdown.
She spent the following day (party day) making up for her bad behaviour by earning her presents back with good behaviours, nice manners, kindness and love. It may sound harsh to some but that is how we parent. She pushed us to the brink and the only way we could regain the control is to take away what caused the tantrum – her birthday. It makes her appreciative of what she has because she then earned everything bit by bit and she was able to play with each one rather than have a massive pile, where she doesn’t know what to do next.
She had a lovely weekend, so did my bank balance! Thank god it is only once a year. I had to pay for our holiday as well this month so I am currently living within my means. I really cannot wait for payday so I can stop panicking every time I need to check the balance of my account!
This used to be me all the time but we got so good with money, I use to always feel safe in the knowledge, that I had money sitting in my account. Now I don’t like it! I am praying for my graphic work orders to see me through as well! I best start saving for next year’s shenanigans! Thankfully, it falls on a weekend!
What I adored about her was the fact that during all the craziness, she asked to go and see her brothers (the cemetery). She wanted to tell them about her birthday, show them her new bike and her pretty dress that Nanna and Grandad got. She asked why they lived there and we spoke about how it is just their garden and the place we come to say hello and talk to them but really they live in Heaven, with mummy’s granny and grandad and our bunny, Oscar. We spoke about Heaven and what its like and what she imagines it to be. I told her how I imagined it to be. We spoke about how they are always with us, in our hearts and when we see the butterflies and the robins. I swear the day she tells me she’s playing with them in her room, I won’t know whether to cry in happiness or fear LOL!
So that’s our little update for now… Same ol’ shit from the grown ups but I have faith we will make it, our track record is 100% so far..
Sunday, 30 April 2017
Last Day of April....
I can already feel the ball of grief getting bigger in my stomach. How quickly has it come around, it was only the other week that it was your brother's birthday and I am now turning my attention to the fact you are going to be 8.
8 years old. I have been on this rollercoaster of motherhood for almost 8 years. Unless you count the 9 months you were in my tummy.
I always say you are the best thing to ever happen to me. Your death was the worst thing. Being your mummy is the greatest role I could have ever have asked for.
I often read the stories about Madeline McCann and I draw parallels from their journey into mind. Except, I know you are dead and I have somewhere I can go to be with you. Kate wrote how she still buys Madeline birthday and Christmas presents and they are piled in her room, for when she comes home. She has the belief, the want and the desire to believe that she will come home one day and see how much she was loved in the 10 years that she has been gone.
And then I look at my life and I wonder would you and your brother see the same. I know you both can't come home. You have lots of different homes. You live in the cemetery, where your bodies are buried. Your souls fly free and I hope are always with us. I imagine you live in my Granny's house, with the field next door and its nothing but sunshine, rainbows and happy days. And of course, there is the home that is buried in my heart and soul.
Just like the famous lines from E.E. Cummings... "I carry your heart with me, (I carry it in
my heart), I am never without it..."
My therapist recommended a book to me, its entitled 'Overcoming Grief' and the title gripes me.
Can you ever overcome grief? Do I want to overcome it, surely is the question...
I explained to her that for me, everything is entwined in one. The good memories, the bad memories, the positive and negative emotions. The flashbacks, the pain, the anger... I don't want to let the negatives go because it is entwined so I feel I am also letting go of the positive. Which means letting go off them.
One of the bereaved parents I am very good friends with, is deservedly, feeling a lot of anger at the moment. I felt his pain, his anger, the way he blogged to make people understand that it wasn't about them, it was about his child who died. I don't have the raw anger anymore and told him I feel more passive about everything. Emotionally numb is probably the right phrase. I am past the raw anger stage, I have the why me anger instead.
I saw a powerful quote the other day which summarised what it is like to be on this 'journey' so to speak...
"Grief is not a nuisance, an obstacle or a mess that can be easily rectified. It is a way of life. It is everything you never thought could happen but did anyway"
We all live in this bubble where we believe that things will never happen to us. I never thought that I would be writing this blog about how the deaths of my two sons, shaped my life and the highs and lows it brings since their deaths, since their sister was born and my mental health struggles since.
Social media allows us to be open, without having to be open. I struggle to say outloud when I am having a bad day or I am struggling... be it mental health, grief, loss, life in general but it is funny how sharing a post, or a meme can tell the world that life isn't great at that point, or it can tell them that life is okay.
So this is me, saying life is okay but its not. In 12 days time, I am celebrating another birthday without you.
But it is also the start of 142 days worth of memories of you.
You were real.
You existed.
You lived.
8 years old. I have been on this rollercoaster of motherhood for almost 8 years. Unless you count the 9 months you were in my tummy.
I always say you are the best thing to ever happen to me. Your death was the worst thing. Being your mummy is the greatest role I could have ever have asked for.
I often read the stories about Madeline McCann and I draw parallels from their journey into mind. Except, I know you are dead and I have somewhere I can go to be with you. Kate wrote how she still buys Madeline birthday and Christmas presents and they are piled in her room, for when she comes home. She has the belief, the want and the desire to believe that she will come home one day and see how much she was loved in the 10 years that she has been gone.
And then I look at my life and I wonder would you and your brother see the same. I know you both can't come home. You have lots of different homes. You live in the cemetery, where your bodies are buried. Your souls fly free and I hope are always with us. I imagine you live in my Granny's house, with the field next door and its nothing but sunshine, rainbows and happy days. And of course, there is the home that is buried in my heart and soul.
Just like the famous lines from E.E. Cummings... "I carry your heart with me, (I carry it in
my heart), I am never without it..."
My therapist recommended a book to me, its entitled 'Overcoming Grief' and the title gripes me.
Can you ever overcome grief? Do I want to overcome it, surely is the question...
I explained to her that for me, everything is entwined in one. The good memories, the bad memories, the positive and negative emotions. The flashbacks, the pain, the anger... I don't want to let the negatives go because it is entwined so I feel I am also letting go of the positive. Which means letting go off them.
One of the bereaved parents I am very good friends with, is deservedly, feeling a lot of anger at the moment. I felt his pain, his anger, the way he blogged to make people understand that it wasn't about them, it was about his child who died. I don't have the raw anger anymore and told him I feel more passive about everything. Emotionally numb is probably the right phrase. I am past the raw anger stage, I have the why me anger instead.
I saw a powerful quote the other day which summarised what it is like to be on this 'journey' so to speak...
"Grief is not a nuisance, an obstacle or a mess that can be easily rectified. It is a way of life. It is everything you never thought could happen but did anyway"
We all live in this bubble where we believe that things will never happen to us. I never thought that I would be writing this blog about how the deaths of my two sons, shaped my life and the highs and lows it brings since their deaths, since their sister was born and my mental health struggles since.
Social media allows us to be open, without having to be open. I struggle to say outloud when I am having a bad day or I am struggling... be it mental health, grief, loss, life in general but it is funny how sharing a post, or a meme can tell the world that life isn't great at that point, or it can tell them that life is okay.
So this is me, saying life is okay but its not. In 12 days time, I am celebrating another birthday without you.
But it is also the start of 142 days worth of memories of you.
You were real.
You existed.
You lived.
Thursday, 27 April 2017
iTalk
I have an iTalk session today.
This is my therapy sessions and initially they were very helpful and helped me to see things in a different light. It also gave me a diagnosis.
However, before Christmas, she felt we needed to focus more on one area than just general therapy. She felt we needed to tackle my agoraphobia.
We did.
It was hard.
But I am now able to go to my local town without having a panic attack or anxiety attack. I can even go alone. Something I wasn't able to do a year ago. So I am probably where I was 2 years ago. I still cannot go to the big town or to my local Asda (its huge and it petrifies me). She asked if we could tackle these areas but I said to her the thought of Asda freaks me out completely. And as for the big town... she doesn't understand that yes we can work on consisitent exposure for it and I may be able to conquer it but its not somewhere I go often enough so that if I did conquer it then I may not go for 3 or so months. So it feels defeatist to begin it. I have taken baby steps when we do go and I feel that she has given me the tools to work through it when I do go.
So she asked, what did I want to get out of the sessions now.
The answer is to feel normal.
But I don't think that is possible.
I overthink things. I worry incessantly about things. I like to "control" things so I know where everything is, what is happening when, that I have what I need. I have OCD - but I like my house tidied the way I like it tidy. I like things in order so its easy to find and locate. I hate mess (and the current state of my house prickles at me but the curse of redecorating!).
I hate the fact that their birthdays and anniversaries bring up flashbacks and memories. But then I like that because it reminds me that they were here. The heartbreak is a reminder of the loss of them, and is immeasurable to the love I have for them.
I hate PTSD. I hate the bad memories. I hate reliving his death. I panic when I see an ambulance. I want everyone to move out of the way, because I was in there once. I don't remember the journey but what if someone being in our way, would have made a difference. But realistically, I know he was gone before we got into that ambulance.
But all of this is entwined with them. If I 'fix' it, what will happen to them? Will they not exist? But of course they existed and they do exist.
Everyone sees me as this strong woman, but I am far from it. I feel like I am threading water, but the performance of being a strong woman is so good, I think I convince myself most of the time.
I worry about my husband. He is depressed. I feel like I need to stop focusing on me because I need to help him, help himself.
I feel like I have too many pennies in the pot right now, they all add up but they need to stay in the pot because I need to save him. I need to save my marriage.
This is my therapy sessions and initially they were very helpful and helped me to see things in a different light. It also gave me a diagnosis.
However, before Christmas, she felt we needed to focus more on one area than just general therapy. She felt we needed to tackle my agoraphobia.
We did.
It was hard.
But I am now able to go to my local town without having a panic attack or anxiety attack. I can even go alone. Something I wasn't able to do a year ago. So I am probably where I was 2 years ago. I still cannot go to the big town or to my local Asda (its huge and it petrifies me). She asked if we could tackle these areas but I said to her the thought of Asda freaks me out completely. And as for the big town... she doesn't understand that yes we can work on consisitent exposure for it and I may be able to conquer it but its not somewhere I go often enough so that if I did conquer it then I may not go for 3 or so months. So it feels defeatist to begin it. I have taken baby steps when we do go and I feel that she has given me the tools to work through it when I do go.
So she asked, what did I want to get out of the sessions now.
The answer is to feel normal.
But I don't think that is possible.
I overthink things. I worry incessantly about things. I like to "control" things so I know where everything is, what is happening when, that I have what I need. I have OCD - but I like my house tidied the way I like it tidy. I like things in order so its easy to find and locate. I hate mess (and the current state of my house prickles at me but the curse of redecorating!).
I hate the fact that their birthdays and anniversaries bring up flashbacks and memories. But then I like that because it reminds me that they were here. The heartbreak is a reminder of the loss of them, and is immeasurable to the love I have for them.
I hate PTSD. I hate the bad memories. I hate reliving his death. I panic when I see an ambulance. I want everyone to move out of the way, because I was in there once. I don't remember the journey but what if someone being in our way, would have made a difference. But realistically, I know he was gone before we got into that ambulance.
But all of this is entwined with them. If I 'fix' it, what will happen to them? Will they not exist? But of course they existed and they do exist.
Everyone sees me as this strong woman, but I am far from it. I feel like I am threading water, but the performance of being a strong woman is so good, I think I convince myself most of the time.
I worry about my husband. He is depressed. I feel like I need to stop focusing on me because I need to help him, help himself.
I feel like I have too many pennies in the pot right now, they all add up but they need to stay in the pot because I need to save him. I need to save my marriage.
Thursday, 16 March 2017
Anxiety....
Having anxiety is no fun.
The OED defines Anxiety as:
"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome"; with synonyms varying from concern or unease to fear and stress.
But what does it truly mean to have anxiety?
Let's look at Jack and Jill. They had to climb the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack doesn't think twice and skips off with the bucket.
Jill worries about getting to the top, what if I fell, what would Jack do, what would Jack say. Would he laugh at me? Would he tease me? What if I don't make it to the top, I mean it's a very tall hill. Do I really need to fetch the water with Jack, can he not go on his own. No, I can do it. I mean Jack finds it so easy and effortless to wander up the hill. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking why am I taking so long. I know, I will put this happy face on and carry on. If I act okay, then it will be okay. Right? No one knows what I am thinking. But what if they do. What if they are mind readers? Oh I don't know. Oh look we are half way up now. The view is pretty. So you could say, I am half way there I guess. And I have done half. But I am only a quarter of the way because I still have to get to the top, get the water and carry it down. I wonder how we can get the bucket in the well. Jack better be careful carrying it down as I don't want to drop it, or slip. Is there even water in the well? Jack's talking to me, and I can't remember what he was saying because I was too busy overthinking the whole water-bucket-well. If I do this once, then I will be okay, cos I surely can do it again. I don't want to do it again, but I know it hasn't been so bad. Oh look, what a lovely day weather wise. I could be doing so many other things. Ah we are at the top now. Just got to get the water and go home. Perhaps we can play after this, I wonder what Jack is thinking. Is it nearly time for food, I am hungry. Okay, time to go Jill, calm down and take a deep breath. It won't be so hard going down. Still a lovely day but this bucket is so heavy. I wish Jack would stop being silly, he might spill some of the water and then we will be in trouble. Oh man, its so heavy, what if I fall over as we carry it down. JACK STOP IT! Uh-oh, Jack's fallen over, OMG is he okay? What if he's dead, what if he's broken something. OMG what do I do? Time to think straight Jill before you get yourself in any bother. Oh dear, I just tripped and stumbled too. Luckily the bucket is okay and I didn't go as far as Jack. He looks like he is crying. So glad it wasn't me, everyone would laugh if it was me and I would never live it down. Everyone will probably see my pants or something, why is it easier for boys than girls to have trips and falls! Looks like Jack broke his crown but he will be a hero before too long and they will forget about me. Do I want them to forget about me? Maybe its best if I was as silly as Jack!
I deliberately didn't break up the paragraphs because that is how it runs through my head when it is anxiety. One minute I can be totally focused and then a million and one thoughts come in and out of my brain at a million miles and hour. I know, rationally, it is not Jack's fault and it was an accident but all the thoughts weave in and out of my brain. In reality, the event probably only lasted 5 or so minutes but Jill would have been having the thoughts before they set off.
It takes one tiny trigger to get off this mindless anxiety but it never is the same trigger and once you get over one, another one happens. The most important thing to remember is that anxiety is OUT OF OUR CONTROL. When it happens, how long, what happens through an attack... none of it is controlled by the person having an anxiety attack. They don't want to go through as much as you don't want them to go through it but it controls them.
So how can you help someone through it. Be there. Don't say they are crazy, not to worry, nothing bad will happen. Because they are all ready preempting the worry and bad things. And they most certainly are not crazy. LISTEN. Listen to their worries and anxieties. REASSURE them that you will be there every step of the way, regardless if they never make it to the top of the hill. We may need to be held, we may need a guiding hand, a gentle voice, or we may just need to be left alone. But not too alone.
You can read a million and one different versions of anxiety attacks and varying reports of how anxiety affects someone but each person has a different anxieties. Just like how our fingerprints are unique. Anxiety is too. Try to understand, be patient, be supportive. If they have a specific way of relaxing after an attack, be kind. For example, if they like to chill with a book. Make them a cup of tea, light a candle, lay the book out. Or if they like to hide away under a blanket - pull the curtains, turn out the light, grab a big blanket or one for each of you and sit with them. Put a film on, or watch trashy TV. These small actions show us you care. They show you understand.They are acts of love.
Three things that perhaps in that moment, we need to feel because having anxiety, and an attack, can and does render us so helpless to our minds, knowing that someone understands and cares enough to notice that this is what helps you unwind after, can and does help with future attacks.
The OED defines Anxiety as:
"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome"; with synonyms varying from concern or unease to fear and stress.
But what does it truly mean to have anxiety?
Let's look at Jack and Jill. They had to climb the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack doesn't think twice and skips off with the bucket.
Jill worries about getting to the top, what if I fell, what would Jack do, what would Jack say. Would he laugh at me? Would he tease me? What if I don't make it to the top, I mean it's a very tall hill. Do I really need to fetch the water with Jack, can he not go on his own. No, I can do it. I mean Jack finds it so easy and effortless to wander up the hill. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking why am I taking so long. I know, I will put this happy face on and carry on. If I act okay, then it will be okay. Right? No one knows what I am thinking. But what if they do. What if they are mind readers? Oh I don't know. Oh look we are half way up now. The view is pretty. So you could say, I am half way there I guess. And I have done half. But I am only a quarter of the way because I still have to get to the top, get the water and carry it down. I wonder how we can get the bucket in the well. Jack better be careful carrying it down as I don't want to drop it, or slip. Is there even water in the well? Jack's talking to me, and I can't remember what he was saying because I was too busy overthinking the whole water-bucket-well. If I do this once, then I will be okay, cos I surely can do it again. I don't want to do it again, but I know it hasn't been so bad. Oh look, what a lovely day weather wise. I could be doing so many other things. Ah we are at the top now. Just got to get the water and go home. Perhaps we can play after this, I wonder what Jack is thinking. Is it nearly time for food, I am hungry. Okay, time to go Jill, calm down and take a deep breath. It won't be so hard going down. Still a lovely day but this bucket is so heavy. I wish Jack would stop being silly, he might spill some of the water and then we will be in trouble. Oh man, its so heavy, what if I fall over as we carry it down. JACK STOP IT! Uh-oh, Jack's fallen over, OMG is he okay? What if he's dead, what if he's broken something. OMG what do I do? Time to think straight Jill before you get yourself in any bother. Oh dear, I just tripped and stumbled too. Luckily the bucket is okay and I didn't go as far as Jack. He looks like he is crying. So glad it wasn't me, everyone would laugh if it was me and I would never live it down. Everyone will probably see my pants or something, why is it easier for boys than girls to have trips and falls! Looks like Jack broke his crown but he will be a hero before too long and they will forget about me. Do I want them to forget about me? Maybe its best if I was as silly as Jack!
I deliberately didn't break up the paragraphs because that is how it runs through my head when it is anxiety. One minute I can be totally focused and then a million and one thoughts come in and out of my brain at a million miles and hour. I know, rationally, it is not Jack's fault and it was an accident but all the thoughts weave in and out of my brain. In reality, the event probably only lasted 5 or so minutes but Jill would have been having the thoughts before they set off.
It takes one tiny trigger to get off this mindless anxiety but it never is the same trigger and once you get over one, another one happens. The most important thing to remember is that anxiety is OUT OF OUR CONTROL. When it happens, how long, what happens through an attack... none of it is controlled by the person having an anxiety attack. They don't want to go through as much as you don't want them to go through it but it controls them.
So how can you help someone through it. Be there. Don't say they are crazy, not to worry, nothing bad will happen. Because they are all ready preempting the worry and bad things. And they most certainly are not crazy. LISTEN. Listen to their worries and anxieties. REASSURE them that you will be there every step of the way, regardless if they never make it to the top of the hill. We may need to be held, we may need a guiding hand, a gentle voice, or we may just need to be left alone. But not too alone.
You can read a million and one different versions of anxiety attacks and varying reports of how anxiety affects someone but each person has a different anxieties. Just like how our fingerprints are unique. Anxiety is too. Try to understand, be patient, be supportive. If they have a specific way of relaxing after an attack, be kind. For example, if they like to chill with a book. Make them a cup of tea, light a candle, lay the book out. Or if they like to hide away under a blanket - pull the curtains, turn out the light, grab a big blanket or one for each of you and sit with them. Put a film on, or watch trashy TV. These small actions show us you care. They show you understand.They are acts of love.
Three things that perhaps in that moment, we need to feel because having anxiety, and an attack, can and does render us so helpless to our minds, knowing that someone understands and cares enough to notice that this is what helps you unwind after, can and does help with future attacks.
Sunday, 15 January 2017
Where Have I Been?
Here. In the background.
I haven't known exactly what to say or how to get it all out in some sort of sense... so I have stayed away.
A lot of change has happened since April 2016; "sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearer" and that's exactly what I did with a friendship. I had known for around a year that perhaps I wasn't as important to her as I thought I was. I tried hard to give her the benefit of the doubt with personal things going on but the more distance there was, the harder it was to try to connect with her again.
But then to be accused of never being there for her, especially when she felt I should have been was uncalled for. I always dropped everything to help her, be there for her, to do whatever she wanted. Nonetheless when things were so bad for her. I was pushed out by her family when I wanted to be there for her but still that is my fault.
I know now that no matter what I do, did, say or said; it would never be enough. Not that I would ever be allowed to say what my version of events were. She thinks that I am wrong and she is right and no one is allowed to differentiate from that.
I have since learned that our friendship was toxic. I have read lots of different things about emotional abuse and in hindsight, perhaps that is what our friendship was in the end.I know I am better off without her and am discovering who I really am. It is like stepping out of the shadows and into the light.
I am also stepping out behind the shadows of my anxiety. I am finally getting support with it but it does mean I am facing demons that I didn't know how buried they had been. Instead of just being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD, turns out I have much bigger issues. Try PTSD, OCD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Trauma Related Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia and Depression.
I have pretty much become housebound with the agoraphobia and the anxiety levels are through the roof. My socialisation had become minute and very selective. It was a case of needing to try and fix it so that princess's life wasn't effected anymore than it already was and before she realises mummy is a basket case!
So how's it going? Um, I am not sure. Currently we are exploring the Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety and I am having exposure therapy - not gone too well that one; I was the one crying in the middle of a shopping centre because I literally couldn't cope with the anxiety attack. But I survived it and I am here telling you all about it!
There are days where I literally don't want to get out of bed; I just want to sleep it away an hope to wake up in a better mood. I am grateful for the friends who stick by me. I have good friends who don't let me wallow for too long before pulling me out from drowning in my anxiety bubble. I am entirely grateful for my low maintenance friends who are happy with texting, Facebook and Instagram contact but then there are the ones who keep promising to meet up.
I don't mean to come across clingy or needy but its a big deal for me to want to see you, to meet up with you. Please do keep to arrangements or come back to me when you say you will. It hurts so much when I then don't hear from you. Social anxiety is a bitch and I will create a scenario where it is my fault and the reason you don't want to meet is because of me. If it's true then say so. Don't let me torture myself any more than I already do. Or if it is just because you forget all the time, then don't forget, make a plan and stick to it. And if you can't do that, then please, don't offer the olive branch of 'hey let's meet up'.
I am in an okay place most of the time. As we near littlest' birthday, I am finding it harder. Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of eldest's 20 week scan. Just a scan. But it was the scan that changed everything. It was the moment in our lives where the naivety of expecting our first child turned our world and little did we know that 40 weeks later, we would have said goodbye to that little boy. So I got all emotional at the cemetery, for the first time in a while. It is so hard to comprehend that I should have three children fighting for cuddles every day; a 7 year old, an almost 7 year old and a 5 year old. Coupled with the princess cat, the dog and our newest 4 legged addition!
We got a cockapoo!
It was a spur of the moment decision, probably one that we should have thought about a bit more in hindsight. The bunny died unexpectedly which broke me into a million pieces. The last time I felt that way was 19th February 2010. He was my snuggly one. He would give the best cuddles and he was gone. My friend was getting a cockapoo and the sister of the puppy was still available. I did fall in love with her when we went to visit but not in a way where I wanted to bring it home. I thought our family was just right. We nicknamed her Mia... well I didn't, Princess and the husband did. Then one afternoon, he said let's get her. I was in shock. It's like finding out you are pregnant unexpectedly!
So she is a pickle. She is still a puppy. The dog is used to her now but he's also a daddy. I think I would have preferred one of his puppies but I have to say the pickle does give nice cuddles! She is very clingy and does follow you around. She also gets jealous if you give the dog attention and not her. When she's not having accidents (touch wood they are few and far between at the moment) or chewing things (teething at present) then she's adorable. I had forgotten how much hard work the first year is! But the dog is proof it gets easier.
So that's my update for now. I promise to be more regular with the updates, especially on the journey of managing my anxiety. I know there are a lot of you that follow my Facebook page for it. I am thinking of changing the name though - what do you think? Do you think the Diary of a Rainbow Mum is still apt?
Should it be something else?? It's still my diary I guess...! xxx
I haven't known exactly what to say or how to get it all out in some sort of sense... so I have stayed away.
A lot of change has happened since April 2016; "sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearer" and that's exactly what I did with a friendship. I had known for around a year that perhaps I wasn't as important to her as I thought I was. I tried hard to give her the benefit of the doubt with personal things going on but the more distance there was, the harder it was to try to connect with her again.
But then to be accused of never being there for her, especially when she felt I should have been was uncalled for. I always dropped everything to help her, be there for her, to do whatever she wanted. Nonetheless when things were so bad for her. I was pushed out by her family when I wanted to be there for her but still that is my fault.
I know now that no matter what I do, did, say or said; it would never be enough. Not that I would ever be allowed to say what my version of events were. She thinks that I am wrong and she is right and no one is allowed to differentiate from that.
I have since learned that our friendship was toxic. I have read lots of different things about emotional abuse and in hindsight, perhaps that is what our friendship was in the end.I know I am better off without her and am discovering who I really am. It is like stepping out of the shadows and into the light.
I am also stepping out behind the shadows of my anxiety. I am finally getting support with it but it does mean I am facing demons that I didn't know how buried they had been. Instead of just being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD, turns out I have much bigger issues. Try PTSD, OCD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Trauma Related Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia and Depression.
I have pretty much become housebound with the agoraphobia and the anxiety levels are through the roof. My socialisation had become minute and very selective. It was a case of needing to try and fix it so that princess's life wasn't effected anymore than it already was and before she realises mummy is a basket case!
So how's it going? Um, I am not sure. Currently we are exploring the Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety and I am having exposure therapy - not gone too well that one; I was the one crying in the middle of a shopping centre because I literally couldn't cope with the anxiety attack. But I survived it and I am here telling you all about it!
There are days where I literally don't want to get out of bed; I just want to sleep it away an hope to wake up in a better mood. I am grateful for the friends who stick by me. I have good friends who don't let me wallow for too long before pulling me out from drowning in my anxiety bubble. I am entirely grateful for my low maintenance friends who are happy with texting, Facebook and Instagram contact but then there are the ones who keep promising to meet up.
I don't mean to come across clingy or needy but its a big deal for me to want to see you, to meet up with you. Please do keep to arrangements or come back to me when you say you will. It hurts so much when I then don't hear from you. Social anxiety is a bitch and I will create a scenario where it is my fault and the reason you don't want to meet is because of me. If it's true then say so. Don't let me torture myself any more than I already do. Or if it is just because you forget all the time, then don't forget, make a plan and stick to it. And if you can't do that, then please, don't offer the olive branch of 'hey let's meet up'.
I am in an okay place most of the time. As we near littlest' birthday, I am finding it harder. Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of eldest's 20 week scan. Just a scan. But it was the scan that changed everything. It was the moment in our lives where the naivety of expecting our first child turned our world and little did we know that 40 weeks later, we would have said goodbye to that little boy. So I got all emotional at the cemetery, for the first time in a while. It is so hard to comprehend that I should have three children fighting for cuddles every day; a 7 year old, an almost 7 year old and a 5 year old. Coupled with the princess cat, the dog and our newest 4 legged addition!
We got a cockapoo!
It was a spur of the moment decision, probably one that we should have thought about a bit more in hindsight. The bunny died unexpectedly which broke me into a million pieces. The last time I felt that way was 19th February 2010. He was my snuggly one. He would give the best cuddles and he was gone. My friend was getting a cockapoo and the sister of the puppy was still available. I did fall in love with her when we went to visit but not in a way where I wanted to bring it home. I thought our family was just right. We nicknamed her Mia... well I didn't, Princess and the husband did. Then one afternoon, he said let's get her. I was in shock. It's like finding out you are pregnant unexpectedly!
So she is a pickle. She is still a puppy. The dog is used to her now but he's also a daddy. I think I would have preferred one of his puppies but I have to say the pickle does give nice cuddles! She is very clingy and does follow you around. She also gets jealous if you give the dog attention and not her. When she's not having accidents (touch wood they are few and far between at the moment) or chewing things (teething at present) then she's adorable. I had forgotten how much hard work the first year is! But the dog is proof it gets easier.
So that's my update for now. I promise to be more regular with the updates, especially on the journey of managing my anxiety. I know there are a lot of you that follow my Facebook page for it. I am thinking of changing the name though - what do you think? Do you think the Diary of a Rainbow Mum is still apt?
Should it be something else?? It's still my diary I guess...! xxx
Saturday, 23 April 2016
Where To Begin...
Can't believe its been 2.5 months since I last wrote anything. It's mainly because I cannot just get into words the feelings and thoughts in my head and in my soul.
I am acutely aware that Eldest's birthday is 3 weeks yesterday and I am also in denial about him turning 7.
Why can't time just slow the fuck down. I am seriously not coping with the speed life is going at. I am barely grasping for air.
It's been a year since I got my message from a medium; and I sat and reflected on how life has changed for me so much in the last year. The way I face my grief, the way I deal with life, the way I am just able to cope.
I am not naive enough to think I am done on this journey with grief. I no longer feel all encompassed by it; like I am stood with my toes poking over the top of a cliff top. Moments like that (when it comes to grief) have eased. They are more pronounced with birthdays and anniversaries but then that is to be expected. I will grieve for the rest of my life. For them, for their deaths, for life without them, for what life is without them physically in it, for the carefree life of living without loss. They will forever be my life and their lives have changed mine, just like their deaths.
I miss them so much at the moment - I have had to answer that question: 'how many children do you have?' too many times in the last couple weeks and each and every time it stabs me in the heart. I have 3. Does it make you feel uncomfortable when I say I have 1 living? Would that make you think of whether I had any that died?
I am physically aching.
I am tired and weary.
In the last year, I feel I have stood a lot on my own two feet. I have moved away from negative influences in my life. I have recognised unhealthy relationships and had to step back. Things have been said that cannot be taken back and they haven't been apologised for.
I often wonder what is being said about me, whether I am missed. I do miss them because they were a huge part of my life for so long and they were with me through quite a lot of milestones. I am also grown up enough to realise that I can't make them change. I can only imagine what has been said and it tears me up inside because I don't feel I deserve it. Then I am asked - but why do you care?
And that's the killer - why do I? What does it really matter? They have made their own minds up about me and yes, things are probably being said but I cannot change that. All I can do is wait for someone else to come back and say 'you know what, this is what has happened, is this what happened to you?'
It's actually quite funny because I find the Justin Bieber song 'Love Yourself' has so many apt lines, I feel like I need it on loop in my head.... "For all the times that you rain on my parade.... You think I'm crying, on my own well I ain't...... But when you told me that you hated my friends, The only problem was with you and not them, And every time you told me my opinion was wrong, And tried to make me forget where I came from.... For all the times you made me feel small, I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all, I never felt so low when I was vulnerable, Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?..."
Like I said, I am standing on my own two feet. I have an amazing support network - C especially; she gets me, I get her. There is no airs and graces, there is no pretending I am fine. She knows when I am not. She makes me talk, she makes me cry, and then laugh all over again.
It sounds so stupid but I feel like I have finally found girlfriends - you know, the ones you talk make-up, boys, sex, clothes with... I have never had that. I didn't have this at school or as a teenager. I am almost 33 years old and I am beginning to be me.
My anxiety and depression are quite bad at the moment. Anxiety moreso. I am struggling in safe places. It's getting me down and I am trying to fight through it but its so overwhelming. Thankfully, I have C who 110% gets it, and other friends too. Doesn't help I am caught in a constant loop of virus after virus.
I am so exhausted from life. There are days where I actually don't want to open my eyes and face another day. Princess got chickenpox at the end of the Easter holidays and it was lovely knowing I couldn't go anywhere as it made it more excusable to shut the door and not go outside.
Problem is, life has returned to normal so I am now struggling with fighting through.
When everything is fine, I can cope with life a lot better - but when its not, I can't.
I got tonsillitis last week and I couldn't swallow any medication and I still can't swallow tablets, they are making me gag. So my sertraline has worn off. My morphine is out of my system and I am at the bottom of the barrel, caught between the rock (needing to take the medication) and the hard place (physically taking them). They will make me feel better and positive.
But how can I just believe once again??
Friday, 12 February 2016
That time of year again....
I can feel myself spiralling downwards.
Hubby's birthday was on Wednesday. We never speak of it but we both silently remember 6 years ago. It was also a Wednesday.
As much as I try and jolly myself up for everyone else, so I don't get artificial sympathy, I cannot but help to think of 'this time 6 years ago....'
The ache in my heart is much more louder, the tears are privately falling.
"What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know..."
Yesterday, someone said to me that its rumoured to snow the weekend. That's where it popped into my head. It was snowing the day he was born.
It's stupid really, the little things, the innocent things that can force a memory or thought into your head.
I had pain clinic last week and I am emotionally normal - according to the psychologist. I don't know why I was nervous, perhaps I forgot he had lost a son, Cian. It was nice to talk to a professional who knew the thoughts in my head. It was nice to look way down the track to where I may get to.
Then Princess says the other day how she wants to dig her brothers up and bring them home with us.
Head fuck alert. How does a 4.5 year old know that?
As I said to the psychologist, part of me wishes we did cremate them, it would have meant packing up and moving somewhere new would have been an option. Its inconceivable to think of it now, for the moments we are at their grave, even though I know that realistically its just bones down there, we are a family of 5, together.
It's weird, as I cannot remember what we did for the 5 days between the 16 week scan and the re-scan.... it's going to bug me.... I can remember the scan, I can remember the re-scan. I can remember everything of the 15th February 2010 and onwards, but those 5 days we waited, we prayed that they would be wrong, I cannot remember.
For now, I need to ride out the build up....
Hubby's birthday was on Wednesday. We never speak of it but we both silently remember 6 years ago. It was also a Wednesday.
As much as I try and jolly myself up for everyone else, so I don't get artificial sympathy, I cannot but help to think of 'this time 6 years ago....'
The ache in my heart is much more louder, the tears are privately falling.
"What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know..."
Yesterday, someone said to me that its rumoured to snow the weekend. That's where it popped into my head. It was snowing the day he was born.
It's stupid really, the little things, the innocent things that can force a memory or thought into your head.
I had pain clinic last week and I am emotionally normal - according to the psychologist. I don't know why I was nervous, perhaps I forgot he had lost a son, Cian. It was nice to talk to a professional who knew the thoughts in my head. It was nice to look way down the track to where I may get to.
Then Princess says the other day how she wants to dig her brothers up and bring them home with us.
Head fuck alert. How does a 4.5 year old know that?
As I said to the psychologist, part of me wishes we did cremate them, it would have meant packing up and moving somewhere new would have been an option. Its inconceivable to think of it now, for the moments we are at their grave, even though I know that realistically its just bones down there, we are a family of 5, together.
It's weird, as I cannot remember what we did for the 5 days between the 16 week scan and the re-scan.... it's going to bug me.... I can remember the scan, I can remember the re-scan. I can remember everything of the 15th February 2010 and onwards, but those 5 days we waited, we prayed that they would be wrong, I cannot remember.
For now, I need to ride out the build up....
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
When is it time to walk away?
I've been pondering this for some time and I never felt that I would ponder it.
I feel like I no longer want to be active in the CHD (Congenital Heart Defect) community anymore. In fact, I probably haven't been for some time.
I still have a passion for it, I still strongly believe in it but not enough to be devoted to it.
I never thought it would come to this.
So perhaps its not walking away, perhaps its just taking a giant step backwards and I will lurk in the shadows.
Should I feel guilty for it?
I feel like I no longer want to be active in the CHD (Congenital Heart Defect) community anymore. In fact, I probably haven't been for some time.
I still have a passion for it, I still strongly believe in it but not enough to be devoted to it.
I never thought it would come to this.
So perhaps its not walking away, perhaps its just taking a giant step backwards and I will lurk in the shadows.
Should I feel guilty for it?
Sunday, 27 December 2015
Finding the right words
I've been meaning to write a post for a while but I just haven't found the right words to express how I am feeling or things going round in my head.
I still can't.
This is most likely the last post of 2015 and I know I am in a better place than this time last year. Having the message from the medium healed some of my open wounds. I know they are okay, I know they are happy in Heaven. I will never ever be 'over' their deaths but a weight was lifted then and living without them is a tiny (teeny tiny) bit easier.
June saw my then-best friend's mum die from the injuries she sustained in her tragic accident. It brought me and then-best friend closer again but too many things had been said by her, that will not be forgiven or forgotten. So here we are, over 6 months later and I probably wouldn't say we are close.
Friends? Acquaintances?
I'll always treasure the friendship we had but now my eyes have been opened and I actually don't like the way she has treated me and continues to. I will not go into specifics as I actually do not want to be brought into a negative head space with her.
End of October saw me reach a new low for me. I felt at rock bottom and didn't want to be here anymore. I was blowing things out of proportion in my mind and feeling worthless. Thankfully I have an amazing GP who saw that I wasn't me but I had been 'okay' a few weeks ago and there had been an increase in my pain medication... The same medication which was giving me pain relief was causing me to be suicidal. Reducing it again has made me "normal" once again. Problem is, I now have to wait until February to see the pain clinic and get that medication reassessed.
But did I once have a call or text from her to see how I was? She has no clue what went on because she is so self absorbed on her own planet.
So for 2016, out goes the negative influences on my life and I need to get a grip on everything that is making me unhappy. Starting with my weight.
I have got to stop pissing around, pretending that I am doing something about it when in reality, it is very far from it.
I realistically have around 7-8stone to lose. To get back to a weight I was most happy at. But that weight was my early 20s and let's not beat around the bush, I'm 32 and a half years old.
So let's start with that bloody 1 stone award. If I can get that, but the worlds my bloody oyster.
2016 will also see me starting more counselling, I've been recommended it because I need help learning to live with my loss. I had counselling to help me work out the whys and wherefores of their deaths but it was pointed out that I live in a cycle of moving from one milestone to another and never getting a break from grief and loss.
Yeah, let's see how that goes, shall we?
Wednesday, 21 October 2015
10 Pieces Of Advice To The Parents Who Have Lost A Child
From one angel mummy to other angel parents...
#1 - Own It
This is your grief. This is your loss. Cry. Don't cry. Scream, hurl abuse or stay silent. No one can or should have the right to tell you how to behave, how to react, how to exist without your child. Not even another angel parent. Each loss is different, that occurs in different circumstances and at different points in life and time. Contextually, they may seem the same on a piece of paper. But no two people are the same. Fully embrace the grief, the loss, the death of YOUR child. It will help in the long run.
#2 - There Is No Right Or Wrong
This entwines with #1, because there is no right or wrong way to grieve, to live without your child. It is against the natural order to be burying a child you have brought into this world. There is no right or wrong way to parent a living child, so why is there a right or wrong way to live without them. Everyone is going to have an opinion, everyone is going to give you advice. What may feel right today, may not tomorrow, and that is okay. Have you ever bought something and at the time thought it was okay, but later reflected on it and its not? Why is this any different? You can't take it back and return it but you can decide, that actually, that its not what is right for you. At the end of the day, it is your child that has died. You are bearing the brunt of this grieving process, so you can decide what may be right or wrong.
#3 - Don't Forget About Dad
Daddy hurts too. Daddy has also lost his child. But he is also your husband/boyfriend/fiance/partner. He is a man. Real men don't show their emotions. Or do they? He is hurting too. He doesn't want to have to be the strong one but if he is not, how can he look after you? Society has cultivated how men should react and behave in certain situations. But we are in the 21st century and so many men are standing up, wanting their voices to be heard too. Everyone rushes to the mum, but take time out to check on him too. He is the one who will be up at night, crying silent tears, so not to wake his partner, because he needs to make sure she is okay. A dad hurts too.
#4 - Friendships
Family is family. Blood ties will always be there. Friendships. Now that is a whole different playing field. Don't be afraid to seek out other bereaved parents. They are the only ones who can make sense of what you are thinking, feeling and saying. Because they will have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. They are the friendships that will last for eternity because you are linked by that invisible cord of recognition. You will also have before-loss friends. The friends that knew your child, knew you before your child died. They are the ones who will Facebook how much they are sorry for your loss and how they are always there for you. But half of them will run a mile. They won't know how to deal with the friend-who-has-lost-a-child. They will shy away from wanting to talk to you, or meet up with you. Now, the other half. They are true friends. The ones who want to know the new 'you' (yes you will be different). They will not be afraid to speak your child's name. They will hold your hand, perhaps cry with you. They will remember with you and grieve with you.
But then there are the after-loss friends. These are also divided into two camps. The ones you lost touch with but heard on the grapevine. They start off with well meaning messages, and the friendship rebuilds itself to the same stature as true friends. The ones that will make you question why you lost touch in the first instance. Then there are the new friends. The ones who know nothing of who you were before your child died, but got to know you weeks, months, years after. The ones who will say 'tell me about your child who died' 'I want to be a good friend to you' - the ones who will cry as you retell funny stories or what happened the day your child died.
Friends are the family we choose.
#5 -Time
Give yourself time to grieve. Its so simple. Don't rush yourself through the process as you will end up back at square 1. Just allow yourself as much time as you can give.
#6 - Work & Money
I've combined both as they go together. If you are employed, then its difficult to think of having to get up and carrying on with that daily routine of going to work. It goes hand and hand with time but then your employer can only give you so much because they are running a business. And without Work there is no Money. Money is the root of all evil. Seriously. You don't worry about it immediately after losing your child, sometime after it, it dawns on you that actually, the reins need tightening. It could be that you are not at work, or work cannot afford to keep paying you. But any nest egg gets eaten up and the sensible person in you begins to worry about the future.
Stop.
It is only money.
Yes we need it for a lot of things. But it cannot buy you more time with your child, more memories, or even just one more kiss and cuddle. It is just money. Nest eggs can be rebuilt again, bills can be sorted out.
There is a dark side to money and that is debt. Sometimes, the black hole just gets too big and Peter begins to rob Paul. And yes it is terrible to get yourself into debt. But one day you will be able to get yourself out of debt, when you are strong enough to face the world again and your grief is not all consuming.
It is only money.
It is not love, memories or your child.
#7 - Mental Health
Most GPs will label it as depression but I would say it is more Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because it is a deeply traumatic moment in your life when you lose your child. Please, do not be afraid to ask for help as if you leave it too late, the mountain gets bigger to climb.
#8 - Talk
Linking in with #7, talk. Find someone to talk to. It is usually better to talk to someone not directly connected to you or your loss. Another bereaved parent, your GP, a counsellor. It may not make sense, it may feel jumbled but you know what, you are talking. And when we talk, it is our minds way of making sense of everything and can be hugely theraputic.
#9 - Emotions
No I am not talking the distraught, the tears, the sadness. But the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, the guilt. These are valid emotions and will come up. I remember the first time I properly laughed after my son died. I went from laughing to sobbing in a spilt second as it then felt instantly wrong because I shouldn't be laughing so soon after. But the truth is, it felt good to laugh and actually feel happy and the guilt ruined it because society almost dictated I should have been in this state of mourning.
#10 - Life After Loss
It does happen. You will stand again. You will look back and think how far you have come. You will shock yourself. You will be proud of yourself. It is not easy, but you will come to a point when you realise that the grief doesn't consume you or control you any more. It's there. It will always be there. But you are able to get through life without it controlling you 100%. It will be there, like the devil on your shoulder, waiting. But it won't be in front of your face, shaking its booty in a dance to rival Beyonce.
It feels like you have to conquer the world before it will even feel marginally normal. But you will get there. Just one step at a time, when it feels right to you.
#1 - Own It
This is your grief. This is your loss. Cry. Don't cry. Scream, hurl abuse or stay silent. No one can or should have the right to tell you how to behave, how to react, how to exist without your child. Not even another angel parent. Each loss is different, that occurs in different circumstances and at different points in life and time. Contextually, they may seem the same on a piece of paper. But no two people are the same. Fully embrace the grief, the loss, the death of YOUR child. It will help in the long run.
#2 - There Is No Right Or Wrong
This entwines with #1, because there is no right or wrong way to grieve, to live without your child. It is against the natural order to be burying a child you have brought into this world. There is no right or wrong way to parent a living child, so why is there a right or wrong way to live without them. Everyone is going to have an opinion, everyone is going to give you advice. What may feel right today, may not tomorrow, and that is okay. Have you ever bought something and at the time thought it was okay, but later reflected on it and its not? Why is this any different? You can't take it back and return it but you can decide, that actually, that its not what is right for you. At the end of the day, it is your child that has died. You are bearing the brunt of this grieving process, so you can decide what may be right or wrong.
#3 - Don't Forget About Dad
Daddy hurts too. Daddy has also lost his child. But he is also your husband/boyfriend/fiance/partner. He is a man. Real men don't show their emotions. Or do they? He is hurting too. He doesn't want to have to be the strong one but if he is not, how can he look after you? Society has cultivated how men should react and behave in certain situations. But we are in the 21st century and so many men are standing up, wanting their voices to be heard too. Everyone rushes to the mum, but take time out to check on him too. He is the one who will be up at night, crying silent tears, so not to wake his partner, because he needs to make sure she is okay. A dad hurts too.
#4 - Friendships
Family is family. Blood ties will always be there. Friendships. Now that is a whole different playing field. Don't be afraid to seek out other bereaved parents. They are the only ones who can make sense of what you are thinking, feeling and saying. Because they will have been there, done that and bought the t-shirt. They are the friendships that will last for eternity because you are linked by that invisible cord of recognition. You will also have before-loss friends. The friends that knew your child, knew you before your child died. They are the ones who will Facebook how much they are sorry for your loss and how they are always there for you. But half of them will run a mile. They won't know how to deal with the friend-who-has-lost-a-child. They will shy away from wanting to talk to you, or meet up with you. Now, the other half. They are true friends. The ones who want to know the new 'you' (yes you will be different). They will not be afraid to speak your child's name. They will hold your hand, perhaps cry with you. They will remember with you and grieve with you.
But then there are the after-loss friends. These are also divided into two camps. The ones you lost touch with but heard on the grapevine. They start off with well meaning messages, and the friendship rebuilds itself to the same stature as true friends. The ones that will make you question why you lost touch in the first instance. Then there are the new friends. The ones who know nothing of who you were before your child died, but got to know you weeks, months, years after. The ones who will say 'tell me about your child who died' 'I want to be a good friend to you' - the ones who will cry as you retell funny stories or what happened the day your child died.
Friends are the family we choose.
#5 -Time
Give yourself time to grieve. Its so simple. Don't rush yourself through the process as you will end up back at square 1. Just allow yourself as much time as you can give.
#6 - Work & Money
I've combined both as they go together. If you are employed, then its difficult to think of having to get up and carrying on with that daily routine of going to work. It goes hand and hand with time but then your employer can only give you so much because they are running a business. And without Work there is no Money. Money is the root of all evil. Seriously. You don't worry about it immediately after losing your child, sometime after it, it dawns on you that actually, the reins need tightening. It could be that you are not at work, or work cannot afford to keep paying you. But any nest egg gets eaten up and the sensible person in you begins to worry about the future.
Stop.
It is only money.
Yes we need it for a lot of things. But it cannot buy you more time with your child, more memories, or even just one more kiss and cuddle. It is just money. Nest eggs can be rebuilt again, bills can be sorted out.
There is a dark side to money and that is debt. Sometimes, the black hole just gets too big and Peter begins to rob Paul. And yes it is terrible to get yourself into debt. But one day you will be able to get yourself out of debt, when you are strong enough to face the world again and your grief is not all consuming.
It is only money.
It is not love, memories or your child.
#7 - Mental Health
Most GPs will label it as depression but I would say it is more Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because it is a deeply traumatic moment in your life when you lose your child. Please, do not be afraid to ask for help as if you leave it too late, the mountain gets bigger to climb.
#8 - Talk
Linking in with #7, talk. Find someone to talk to. It is usually better to talk to someone not directly connected to you or your loss. Another bereaved parent, your GP, a counsellor. It may not make sense, it may feel jumbled but you know what, you are talking. And when we talk, it is our minds way of making sense of everything and can be hugely theraputic.
#9 - Emotions
No I am not talking the distraught, the tears, the sadness. But the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, the guilt. These are valid emotions and will come up. I remember the first time I properly laughed after my son died. I went from laughing to sobbing in a spilt second as it then felt instantly wrong because I shouldn't be laughing so soon after. But the truth is, it felt good to laugh and actually feel happy and the guilt ruined it because society almost dictated I should have been in this state of mourning.
#10 - Life After Loss
It does happen. You will stand again. You will look back and think how far you have come. You will shock yourself. You will be proud of yourself. It is not easy, but you will come to a point when you realise that the grief doesn't consume you or control you any more. It's there. It will always be there. But you are able to get through life without it controlling you 100%. It will be there, like the devil on your shoulder, waiting. But it won't be in front of your face, shaking its booty in a dance to rival Beyonce.
It feels like you have to conquer the world before it will even feel marginally normal. But you will get there. Just one step at a time, when it feels right to you.
Finding The Right Words
This blog post is about 3 weeks overdue as I just haven't been able to find the right words to say what I want. If you know me personally, this is a new thing LOL!
I've actually started and deleted countless times.
Nothing seems right.
So this is where I will start, a quote I posted on my Facebook/Twitter pages yesterday:
I've actually started and deleted countless times.
Nothing seems right.
So this is where I will start, a quote I posted on my Facebook/Twitter pages yesterday:
"They say that time’s supposed to heal ya,
but I ain’t done much healing ...”
(Adele)
Two sentences that can sum up how I have felt for the last 3 weeks.
I bumbled along in the build up, waiting for it all to hit, being distracted by life in general. Both hubby and I were quite shocked that I hadn't fallen to pieces already.
Then at 10 minutes past midnight on the 1st October, my wifey texts me. And the floodgates open. My heart breaks as if he had died 6 minutes prior, not 6 years. The sobs that leave my body are mirrored from 6 years ago. The pain is so bloody intense and raw, it's as if I had been cut open again. Hence, why I started with that quote.
But then I have healed. In the sense that life is not one giant obstacle course that I need to get through every single day. The healing is there in the sense that I can and have gotten through the last 2,190 days without him. I have healed from the freshness of grief.
But every single day without him is a rite of passage as I may have lived this date, last 6 years, without him but each one hurts just as much as the previous one.
I sat at their garden reflecting on all their sleeping friends and the pain and agony of seeing how much that row has grown is visually in front of us each and every week. But we are still the only family, that probably comes, every single weekend. There is only 1 other family who comes regularly, but not as frequent as us. I cannot begin to imagine not going every weekend, but then 6 years ago, I couldn't imagine not going every day. I knew one day, I would have to stop visiting every day but I can't see us never going every weekend. Likewise, I don't understand why families only visit on the memorable dates (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...). Don't get me wrong, there is no right or wrong way to travel this path but for me, it is difficult to understand how parents can painfully bury their child but to one visit their garden 2 maybe 3 times a year. I can rationalise it but it doesn't make sense to me at all. I won't delve into who is right or wrong in the scenario and every family has secret heartaches, no one knows about, I just know that it will never be me.
My dear friend, Andy, has done a blog recently, and so many of what he said, is so true. There are key elements, which I hope he doesn't mind me picking out.
Grief. Anger. Stress. Gratitude. Feeling like the world owed you one. Fight. Determination. Control. Grief.
It always comes back to grief. Because that is the beginning and the end.
I remember telling Andy that he will go on a massive roller-coaster ride following the death of his son. And just when he thinks it's coming to an end, there will be a unforeseen twist.
My advice, just go with it. There is no right or wrong way.
And that is what hubby and I always agree on. There is no right or wrong way. Only what is our way.
How we chose to deal with, manage, live, exist, with our loss, our grief, our lives after loss.
Thursday, 3 September 2015
First Day Of School
Today was her first day at infant school.
Fact of the matter is, I should have done this particular 'first' twice over, once in 2013 and once last year.
I felt guilt at posting my pictures of her today, so grown up, so beautiful, so happy, to be going off to big school. Not out of guilt for my boys, there is only regret there, never guilt.
Guilt for my baby loss parents, because I know the anguish they felt with their social media pages taken up with the 'first day at school pictures' knowing they would never experience this joy with their child who has died. I know, because it was me last year. I understand the heartache, more than anyone and I almost didn't post the pictures out of respect and understanding.
But this happiness came at a price, it made the moment all the more precious. It didn't escape me that I should have 3 happy children, one entering Year 2, the other Year 1 and my baby into Year R and I did have 'I wish I could do that' moment.
But I know, as I was taking those pictures that there were two small boys around us, jumping for joy and full of pride for their baby sister. I just know because I can feel them.
The hardest part of today wasn't the sadness, or the guilt, or the 'I wish'; it was the stark realisation that today, Thursday 3rd September 2015, I was going to have to let her go.
Not completely.
For the last 4 years, 2 months and 11 days, its been me and her (and her daddy too) but mummies you will get me. I was the one who stayed at home so she was and is my whole world. I don't really count pre-school, mainly because she wasn't there full-time and in the end I had to pull her out of pre-school because of issues I had with the care. But now, she will spend 6 hours a day, in a world where I am not her centre, learning, growing, changing, forming friendships, and she will do all of this independently.
I want her to grow more confident, form best friendships that will last her whole life, enhance her love of books, just like me and her daddy, to get the most out of school. I have such fond and vivid memories of being at primary school. I can remember most of the teachers names, I am still in touch with my head teacher from primary school, I remember the lady who taught me to read, to discovering my love and intelligence for Maths; but most of all, I want her to look back and have the same fond memories as I do of my time at primary school.
There will always be guilt, there will always be sadness. I will always wonder what if, I should have, and I wish but I will always be thankful to have this moment.
Fact of the matter is, I should have done this particular 'first' twice over, once in 2013 and once last year.
I felt guilt at posting my pictures of her today, so grown up, so beautiful, so happy, to be going off to big school. Not out of guilt for my boys, there is only regret there, never guilt.
Guilt for my baby loss parents, because I know the anguish they felt with their social media pages taken up with the 'first day at school pictures' knowing they would never experience this joy with their child who has died. I know, because it was me last year. I understand the heartache, more than anyone and I almost didn't post the pictures out of respect and understanding.
But this happiness came at a price, it made the moment all the more precious. It didn't escape me that I should have 3 happy children, one entering Year 2, the other Year 1 and my baby into Year R and I did have 'I wish I could do that' moment.
But I know, as I was taking those pictures that there were two small boys around us, jumping for joy and full of pride for their baby sister. I just know because I can feel them.
The hardest part of today wasn't the sadness, or the guilt, or the 'I wish'; it was the stark realisation that today, Thursday 3rd September 2015, I was going to have to let her go.
Not completely.
For the last 4 years, 2 months and 11 days, its been me and her (and her daddy too) but mummies you will get me. I was the one who stayed at home so she was and is my whole world. I don't really count pre-school, mainly because she wasn't there full-time and in the end I had to pull her out of pre-school because of issues I had with the care. But now, she will spend 6 hours a day, in a world where I am not her centre, learning, growing, changing, forming friendships, and she will do all of this independently.
I want her to grow more confident, form best friendships that will last her whole life, enhance her love of books, just like me and her daddy, to get the most out of school. I have such fond and vivid memories of being at primary school. I can remember most of the teachers names, I am still in touch with my head teacher from primary school, I remember the lady who taught me to read, to discovering my love and intelligence for Maths; but most of all, I want her to look back and have the same fond memories as I do of my time at primary school.
There will always be guilt, there will always be sadness. I will always wonder what if, I should have, and I wish but I will always be thankful to have this moment.
Thursday, 20 August 2015
20th August 2015
My head is everywhere but screwed onto my body. I'm hit with the realisation that in 2 weeks time, first day at Big School will be done and dusted; 6 weeks today, it will be that day of the year I hate and this date 6 years ago, was 'that' failed cardiac catheter.
The thought of what ifs are creeping back in. What if you hadn't of died..?! Would you still be alive now? A happy 6 year old? Or would we have lost you further down your earth bound life? Would I have lost touch, or pushed away, so many people? Would I have hit target on my diet? Would we be living where we are now? Would we have had your brother or your sister? It's undeniable that we would have had another child but perhaps we wouldn't have had you both so close in age. Would he have been our next child even if it had been further down our life path or would we have skipped straight to your sister? Who would I be now? Would I be working back at the council? Would daddy be still at Homebase? Would daddy have learned to drive as it would have become easier with your appointments. Would you be at school? What if? What would?
Every year I torture myself with the sliding doors effect but unlike the film, I don't know where it ends.
There is no denying that I can feel myself slipping down the dark path but I haven't got the time for it this year. I've a little girl about to start infant school and that will occupy my mind for the first 3 and a half weeks of September so by the time I can fully absorb the reality that the day you left me is around the corner, it will literally be around the corner.
I'm sat here in bed, staring at your picture on the wall. I remember every sight, smell, touch, moment of that photoshoot. I remember that we went with the intention of just getting the freebie picture but having to tighten the reins to spend £150 on 5 pictures. But they were worth the sacrifice. I remember going to collect the pictures on a wet August day. Above all, I remember you.
I remember doing simple, every day things. Like trying the baby carrier out for the first time but I practically carried you as I was scared you would drop out. To being frustrated with your reflux and being reminded today as I went to John Lewis, of the time I fed you next to the glass lifts and sat you up to wind you except you threw up all over me and yourself. Daddy wasn't best pleased either as I needed clean clothes so a trip to the shops for me! Another memory that came to mind today was sometime from Friends (the one with the Yeti) where Emily tells Ross that they need new furniture because she wanted things that have not been breathed, let alone touched by Rschel. Your daddy and I wanted to keep everything that had a memory associated with it. Storage problems meant we had to be practical with things lol!
And as much as my heart aches and is breaking at memories and the next few weeks, I smile because it's all about you. And I am in an okay place. I'm at peace with a lot of things but it doesn't stop the aching heart and missing you more than anything.
So forgive me if you ask me how I am and you get 'okay' because okay is just the code for actually I'm falling to pieces with memories but rebuilding myself because of those memories. If rather have 142 days worth of memories than none. But then I don't want memories, I only want you.
The thought of what ifs are creeping back in. What if you hadn't of died..?! Would you still be alive now? A happy 6 year old? Or would we have lost you further down your earth bound life? Would I have lost touch, or pushed away, so many people? Would I have hit target on my diet? Would we be living where we are now? Would we have had your brother or your sister? It's undeniable that we would have had another child but perhaps we wouldn't have had you both so close in age. Would he have been our next child even if it had been further down our life path or would we have skipped straight to your sister? Who would I be now? Would I be working back at the council? Would daddy be still at Homebase? Would daddy have learned to drive as it would have become easier with your appointments. Would you be at school? What if? What would?
Every year I torture myself with the sliding doors effect but unlike the film, I don't know where it ends.
There is no denying that I can feel myself slipping down the dark path but I haven't got the time for it this year. I've a little girl about to start infant school and that will occupy my mind for the first 3 and a half weeks of September so by the time I can fully absorb the reality that the day you left me is around the corner, it will literally be around the corner.
I'm sat here in bed, staring at your picture on the wall. I remember every sight, smell, touch, moment of that photoshoot. I remember that we went with the intention of just getting the freebie picture but having to tighten the reins to spend £150 on 5 pictures. But they were worth the sacrifice. I remember going to collect the pictures on a wet August day. Above all, I remember you.
I remember doing simple, every day things. Like trying the baby carrier out for the first time but I practically carried you as I was scared you would drop out. To being frustrated with your reflux and being reminded today as I went to John Lewis, of the time I fed you next to the glass lifts and sat you up to wind you except you threw up all over me and yourself. Daddy wasn't best pleased either as I needed clean clothes so a trip to the shops for me! Another memory that came to mind today was sometime from Friends (the one with the Yeti) where Emily tells Ross that they need new furniture because she wanted things that have not been breathed, let alone touched by Rschel. Your daddy and I wanted to keep everything that had a memory associated with it. Storage problems meant we had to be practical with things lol!
And as much as my heart aches and is breaking at memories and the next few weeks, I smile because it's all about you. And I am in an okay place. I'm at peace with a lot of things but it doesn't stop the aching heart and missing you more than anything.
So forgive me if you ask me how I am and you get 'okay' because okay is just the code for actually I'm falling to pieces with memories but rebuilding myself because of those memories. If rather have 142 days worth of memories than none. But then I don't want memories, I only want you.
Saturday, 1 August 2015
Hitting The Ground Hard
This is really hard for me to say to anyone so hoping that just letting it out via writing will help.
But I have hit the ground, the bottom of the barrel... you name it; I feel like I am sinking faster than the Titanic.
And for the first time it isn't just about being an angel mummy.
Or a rainbow mummy.
It is just life in bloody general.
Yes, I will always grieve and miss my sons terribly. There are only so many ways you can say you are hurting and missing them and that occurs EVERY single day. They are in my thoughts, heart, and soul every second, of every day.
My previously bottom of the barrels have been to do with them.
Perhaps I am grieving; but for the life I once had. This time last year, my back was aching and giving me more niggles than usual. My usual painkillers and anti-inflammatories were started. I could walk everywhere, I was skinnier then but failed to see it compared to now. Life was pretty good, we had not long come back from the holiday of a lifetime in Disney World.
How quickly things change in a year.
I am now heavily dependant on 1 crutch, mainly because it is easier to get around on 1 although, I really could do with using both. I have a wheelchair for longer distances, usually with hubby as I don't like to be a burden on friends. I use shop mobility when I can. I am 32 fucking years old. I didn't need any of this shite a year ago.
I am having more and more panic and anxiety attacks. I am mentally forcing myself out of the house, Monday to Friday, because I can't do it to Princess. I can't keep her house bound for 6 weeks because mummy cannot cope. She doesn't deserve it. I have 5 weeks left before my toddler princess becomes a big girl and starts infant school. I want to make memories, I want to revel in her existence because without her earthbound existence, I just can put my hand on my heart and tell you, I wouldn't be here, writing, no pouring, my heart out on a blog, that probably won't be read but having the faith or hope that maybe, just maybe, someone will listen to me.
I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed last night. I broke my soul up (the remaining pieces of it), I think I scared my husband.
I am desolate at the amount of pain I am in. The problem being with Chronic Pain is that you can't see it and I have perfected the performance of 'normality' when every fibre in my body wants to curl up and scream. It primarily existed in the lower back region. Now my hips burn if I walk too much. By walking too much, I mean, for able bodied people (like me a year ago), it would be, say, walking half way around the block towards the shop. A walk I took for granted a year ago. My knees hurt because I am constantly trying to adjust my back, hips and pelvis to the position of the moment that will get me through the next step or two. My feet constantly feel on fire. The podiarists of the world would proclaim it is because I live in flip flops. But I cannot bend into a position where it is comfortable to put any other type of shoes on. They are comfortable to me, they are easy. They are my life until either they break or winter sets in. My neck hurts. My shoulders hurt. I want to chop my head off and lay it down for a while. Perhaps an indefinate period. It will relieve the pressure on these two areas. I am having migraines. I am struggling to get to sleep. Yet once I am asleep, I cannot wake up. I keep dropping things, or forgetting things or words to the most simplest things. Or my train of thought disappears completely by one small interruption.
We live in a modern world, where medicines are discovered and tried and tested regularly. With huge successes. Yet I am quite often, left to get on with it. The (locum) GP I saw last week's words were 'let's get you to your pain clinic appointment' - that's great but am I meant to be left like this for a whole month???????????!!!!!!!!!!! I have been switched from one medicine to another so I may be more cranky but then I stopped taking the other shite because they weren't working so why pump myself full of medicines that don't work.
Then to top it all off, I am the fattest I have ever been.
But not fat enough for NHS help!
Work that one out.
I don't mean surgery or anything, just help.
They, the GPs (not my lovely GP who has been on a sabbatical for an eternity it seems! Roll on Tuesday when I see her!), say that the pain I am in, plus my weight issues, plus my out of control thyroid, plus my mood mean that I am fighting a losing battle.
I am even considering the extreme weight loss diets, like your Cambridge and Lighter Life, because I need to do something to help me lose weight. If I eradicate eating from every day life, maybe it will give me a chance to refocus on sorting everything else out in my life and hopefully, just losing some weight will mean that my mood will boost, my pain will lessen (cos apparently losing weight is key)... the problem being is I like food.
I feel like every door I try to open, gets slammed in my face. Pain relief, help with pain, thyroid problems. I feel like an emotional burden on everyone.
My demons are coming out to play and having a great time. Friends don't really want to see me, or hang out. I am too much of a hassle to be around. What with my anxiety, panic attacks, physical disability. Or if I am with people then are they only with me cos they feel sorry for me? Or have nothing better to do? I am such a horrible friend, and am not the person I was. I miss the old me. I miss the old me with friends.
I've tried explaining it to my husband and he tries to reassure me but I don't want to be me anymore.
End of. I just don't want to be me. I don't want to be the woman who had a son, with a heart defect, who died suddenly at 4.5mths old; who fell pregnant, lost another son, with the same heart defect, at 17.5 wks pregnant; who fell pregnant, had a healthy rainbow princess, her birth was traumatic, needed neonatal, needed intensive care. But is a rainbow of light in amongst the darkness. I don't want to be the woman who gets engulfed in the black cloud of depression and has literally the characters from 'Inside Out' (Disney Film) arguing things out. I don't want to be the woman who is trapped inside this fat body. I don't want to be the woman who is living in Chronic Pain.
I want to be the mummy who has 3 beautiful children, who is happy more than she is sad. Who isn't in Chronic Pain, who isn't fat.
I know its very easy to judge and say that if you are that depressed about your weight, do something about it. Believe me, I am trying but you may find it so easy to lose half a stone, or a stone. It's like climbing Everest to lose 1lb. Apparently I shouldn't be so hard on myself for it. Yeah right. I want to punch you in the face.
Normally, I can plan my way out. But that light at the end of the tunnel is literally a pin prick. Blink and you will miss it.
So if you are one of my friends reading this, I am sorry for the out pouring.
I understand if you walk away.
I would walk away too if I could.
Hell, I would happily run a marathon to get away from this miserable cow LOL
I just need a break from life.
xx
But I have hit the ground, the bottom of the barrel... you name it; I feel like I am sinking faster than the Titanic.
And for the first time it isn't just about being an angel mummy.
Or a rainbow mummy.
It is just life in bloody general.
Yes, I will always grieve and miss my sons terribly. There are only so many ways you can say you are hurting and missing them and that occurs EVERY single day. They are in my thoughts, heart, and soul every second, of every day.
My previously bottom of the barrels have been to do with them.
Perhaps I am grieving; but for the life I once had. This time last year, my back was aching and giving me more niggles than usual. My usual painkillers and anti-inflammatories were started. I could walk everywhere, I was skinnier then but failed to see it compared to now. Life was pretty good, we had not long come back from the holiday of a lifetime in Disney World.
How quickly things change in a year.
I am now heavily dependant on 1 crutch, mainly because it is easier to get around on 1 although, I really could do with using both. I have a wheelchair for longer distances, usually with hubby as I don't like to be a burden on friends. I use shop mobility when I can. I am 32 fucking years old. I didn't need any of this shite a year ago.
I am having more and more panic and anxiety attacks. I am mentally forcing myself out of the house, Monday to Friday, because I can't do it to Princess. I can't keep her house bound for 6 weeks because mummy cannot cope. She doesn't deserve it. I have 5 weeks left before my toddler princess becomes a big girl and starts infant school. I want to make memories, I want to revel in her existence because without her earthbound existence, I just can put my hand on my heart and tell you, I wouldn't be here, writing, no pouring, my heart out on a blog, that probably won't be read but having the faith or hope that maybe, just maybe, someone will listen to me.
I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed last night. I broke my soul up (the remaining pieces of it), I think I scared my husband.
I am desolate at the amount of pain I am in. The problem being with Chronic Pain is that you can't see it and I have perfected the performance of 'normality' when every fibre in my body wants to curl up and scream. It primarily existed in the lower back region. Now my hips burn if I walk too much. By walking too much, I mean, for able bodied people (like me a year ago), it would be, say, walking half way around the block towards the shop. A walk I took for granted a year ago. My knees hurt because I am constantly trying to adjust my back, hips and pelvis to the position of the moment that will get me through the next step or two. My feet constantly feel on fire. The podiarists of the world would proclaim it is because I live in flip flops. But I cannot bend into a position where it is comfortable to put any other type of shoes on. They are comfortable to me, they are easy. They are my life until either they break or winter sets in. My neck hurts. My shoulders hurt. I want to chop my head off and lay it down for a while. Perhaps an indefinate period. It will relieve the pressure on these two areas. I am having migraines. I am struggling to get to sleep. Yet once I am asleep, I cannot wake up. I keep dropping things, or forgetting things or words to the most simplest things. Or my train of thought disappears completely by one small interruption.
We live in a modern world, where medicines are discovered and tried and tested regularly. With huge successes. Yet I am quite often, left to get on with it. The (locum) GP I saw last week's words were 'let's get you to your pain clinic appointment' - that's great but am I meant to be left like this for a whole month???????????!!!!!!!!!!! I have been switched from one medicine to another so I may be more cranky but then I stopped taking the other shite because they weren't working so why pump myself full of medicines that don't work.
Then to top it all off, I am the fattest I have ever been.
But not fat enough for NHS help!
Work that one out.
I don't mean surgery or anything, just help.
They, the GPs (not my lovely GP who has been on a sabbatical for an eternity it seems! Roll on Tuesday when I see her!), say that the pain I am in, plus my weight issues, plus my out of control thyroid, plus my mood mean that I am fighting a losing battle.
I am even considering the extreme weight loss diets, like your Cambridge and Lighter Life, because I need to do something to help me lose weight. If I eradicate eating from every day life, maybe it will give me a chance to refocus on sorting everything else out in my life and hopefully, just losing some weight will mean that my mood will boost, my pain will lessen (cos apparently losing weight is key)... the problem being is I like food.
I feel like every door I try to open, gets slammed in my face. Pain relief, help with pain, thyroid problems. I feel like an emotional burden on everyone.
My demons are coming out to play and having a great time. Friends don't really want to see me, or hang out. I am too much of a hassle to be around. What with my anxiety, panic attacks, physical disability. Or if I am with people then are they only with me cos they feel sorry for me? Or have nothing better to do? I am such a horrible friend, and am not the person I was. I miss the old me. I miss the old me with friends.
I've tried explaining it to my husband and he tries to reassure me but I don't want to be me anymore.
End of. I just don't want to be me. I don't want to be the woman who had a son, with a heart defect, who died suddenly at 4.5mths old; who fell pregnant, lost another son, with the same heart defect, at 17.5 wks pregnant; who fell pregnant, had a healthy rainbow princess, her birth was traumatic, needed neonatal, needed intensive care. But is a rainbow of light in amongst the darkness. I don't want to be the woman who gets engulfed in the black cloud of depression and has literally the characters from 'Inside Out' (Disney Film) arguing things out. I don't want to be the woman who is trapped inside this fat body. I don't want to be the woman who is living in Chronic Pain.
I want to be the mummy who has 3 beautiful children, who is happy more than she is sad. Who isn't in Chronic Pain, who isn't fat.
I know its very easy to judge and say that if you are that depressed about your weight, do something about it. Believe me, I am trying but you may find it so easy to lose half a stone, or a stone. It's like climbing Everest to lose 1lb. Apparently I shouldn't be so hard on myself for it. Yeah right. I want to punch you in the face.
Normally, I can plan my way out. But that light at the end of the tunnel is literally a pin prick. Blink and you will miss it.
So if you are one of my friends reading this, I am sorry for the out pouring.
I understand if you walk away.
I would walk away too if I could.
Hell, I would happily run a marathon to get away from this miserable cow LOL
I just need a break from life.
xx
Wednesday, 22 July 2015
Feeling Alone or Desperate...?!
So here I am, 3am and still wide awake. This is not a new occurrence for me. But I don't like it.
I've not blogged for a while and I should as it is quite therapeutic.
Life is shit. What else can I say?
I'm on a downhill spiral and I can't seem to get off the ride. Both physically and mentally. Physically.. I've more and more issues, with the insomnia being the newest addition! I'm exhausted but I get to bed and my mind just will not switch off. I've given in and worked, watched TV, read a book, tried to count sheep, got a drink for princess, turned her night light on because daddy forgot... I don't do not sleeping. I don't trust myself with sleeping tablets during the week, I worry about princess.
Mentality, I feel so bloody drained and at the bottom of the barrel. I've tried so hard to keep that brave face on when inside I am crumbling to a million pieces. Having a panic attack as I'm going to one of my 'safe' places. This is not be, I don't want to go backwards. But I only feel safe in the 4 walls of my house.
I'm panicking about the weekend, I've got to drive to London, my daddy is turning 60. Being in their house, my childhood home, it's a safe place. But we've got to go to the pub to celebrate. I don't like it, it's out of my control, it will make me claustrophobic, it will put my anxiety through the roof. But I have to do it. So that's Saturday. Sunday we are off to the park for a friends' daughter's birthday. I can deal with that, we will be outside, it's a favourite park as there is sea. There is something calming about the sea and it makes me at ease.
I went to the doctors today, not my normal one. Not sure if she's back from her sabbatical. Anyway, broke my heart to her and told her everything and I didn't get any support or anything.
What do I do to get some help?
My laid in bed, and my husband is snoring away and all I want is to curl up in his arms and sob. That's not normal. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm not an attention seeker, I'm not one of those people who would do something drastic to get the help but is that what I have to do?
All I feel like is that they are trying to get to the next pain clinic appointment but what if they can't help me?
I just hate feeling this way.
I've not blogged for a while and I should as it is quite therapeutic.
Life is shit. What else can I say?
I'm on a downhill spiral and I can't seem to get off the ride. Both physically and mentally. Physically.. I've more and more issues, with the insomnia being the newest addition! I'm exhausted but I get to bed and my mind just will not switch off. I've given in and worked, watched TV, read a book, tried to count sheep, got a drink for princess, turned her night light on because daddy forgot... I don't do not sleeping. I don't trust myself with sleeping tablets during the week, I worry about princess.
Mentality, I feel so bloody drained and at the bottom of the barrel. I've tried so hard to keep that brave face on when inside I am crumbling to a million pieces. Having a panic attack as I'm going to one of my 'safe' places. This is not be, I don't want to go backwards. But I only feel safe in the 4 walls of my house.
I'm panicking about the weekend, I've got to drive to London, my daddy is turning 60. Being in their house, my childhood home, it's a safe place. But we've got to go to the pub to celebrate. I don't like it, it's out of my control, it will make me claustrophobic, it will put my anxiety through the roof. But I have to do it. So that's Saturday. Sunday we are off to the park for a friends' daughter's birthday. I can deal with that, we will be outside, it's a favourite park as there is sea. There is something calming about the sea and it makes me at ease.
I went to the doctors today, not my normal one. Not sure if she's back from her sabbatical. Anyway, broke my heart to her and told her everything and I didn't get any support or anything.
What do I do to get some help?
My laid in bed, and my husband is snoring away and all I want is to curl up in his arms and sob. That's not normal. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm not an attention seeker, I'm not one of those people who would do something drastic to get the help but is that what I have to do?
All I feel like is that they are trying to get to the next pain clinic appointment but what if they can't help me?
I just hate feeling this way.
Wednesday, 10 June 2015
Dear My 32 Year Old Self....
What do I want to say to you??
Life is too short, you know that from losing your precious boys but not only that; your best friend lost her mum 6 days ago.
It feels surreal saying that. Are we best friends again? Jury's still out but slowly things may be returning to normal!
Things have changed so much in the last year. You know you have changed. It's all good though; you are more at peace with things surrounding your boys. You are no longer in the depths of grief but are at a stage of celebration and want them to be recognised in a positive light rather than a sad light!
Your health has taken a massive down hill spiral. Your weight has gone up. Your thyroid is out of control.
But you are still fighting. You are still here.
Make this year count. Look at this in a year's time and be proud of you for what you have achieved again. Lose the weight. You can do it!