My head is everywhere but screwed onto my body. I'm hit with the realisation that in 2 weeks time, first day at Big School will be done and dusted; 6 weeks today, it will be that day of the year I hate and this date 6 years ago, was 'that' failed cardiac catheter.
The thought of what ifs are creeping back in. What if you hadn't of died..?! Would you still be alive now? A happy 6 year old? Or would we have lost you further down your earth bound life? Would I have lost touch, or pushed away, so many people? Would I have hit target on my diet? Would we be living where we are now? Would we have had your brother or your sister? It's undeniable that we would have had another child but perhaps we wouldn't have had you both so close in age. Would he have been our next child even if it had been further down our life path or would we have skipped straight to your sister? Who would I be now? Would I be working back at the council? Would daddy be still at Homebase? Would daddy have learned to drive as it would have become easier with your appointments. Would you be at school? What if? What would?
Every year I torture myself with the sliding doors effect but unlike the film, I don't know where it ends.
There is no denying that I can feel myself slipping down the dark path but I haven't got the time for it this year. I've a little girl about to start infant school and that will occupy my mind for the first 3 and a half weeks of September so by the time I can fully absorb the reality that the day you left me is around the corner, it will literally be around the corner.
I'm sat here in bed, staring at your picture on the wall. I remember every sight, smell, touch, moment of that photoshoot. I remember that we went with the intention of just getting the freebie picture but having to tighten the reins to spend £150 on 5 pictures. But they were worth the sacrifice. I remember going to collect the pictures on a wet August day. Above all, I remember you.
I remember doing simple, every day things. Like trying the baby carrier out for the first time but I practically carried you as I was scared you would drop out. To being frustrated with your reflux and being reminded today as I went to John Lewis, of the time I fed you next to the glass lifts and sat you up to wind you except you threw up all over me and yourself. Daddy wasn't best pleased either as I needed clean clothes so a trip to the shops for me! Another memory that came to mind today was sometime from Friends (the one with the Yeti) where Emily tells Ross that they need new furniture because she wanted things that have not been breathed, let alone touched by Rschel. Your daddy and I wanted to keep everything that had a memory associated with it. Storage problems meant we had to be practical with things lol!
And as much as my heart aches and is breaking at memories and the next few weeks, I smile because it's all about you. And I am in an okay place. I'm at peace with a lot of things but it doesn't stop the aching heart and missing you more than anything.
So forgive me if you ask me how I am and you get 'okay' because okay is just the code for actually I'm falling to pieces with memories but rebuilding myself because of those memories. If rather have 142 days worth of memories than none. But then I don't want memories, I only want you.
