This is really hard for me to say to anyone so hoping that just letting it out via writing will help.
But I have hit the ground, the bottom of the barrel... you name it; I feel like I am sinking faster than the Titanic.
And for the first time it isn't just about being an angel mummy.
Or a rainbow mummy.
It is just life in bloody general.
Yes, I will always grieve and miss my sons terribly. There are only so many ways you can say you are hurting and missing them and that occurs EVERY single day. They are in my thoughts, heart, and soul every second, of every day.
My previously bottom of the barrels have been to do with them.
Perhaps I am grieving; but for the life I once had. This time last year, my back was aching and giving me more niggles than usual. My usual painkillers and anti-inflammatories were started. I could walk everywhere, I was skinnier then but failed to see it compared to now. Life was pretty good, we had not long come back from the holiday of a lifetime in Disney World.
How quickly things change in a year.
I am now heavily dependant on 1 crutch, mainly because it is easier to get around on 1 although, I really could do with using both. I have a wheelchair for longer distances, usually with hubby as I don't like to be a burden on friends. I use shop mobility when I can. I am 32 fucking years old. I didn't need any of this shite a year ago.
I am having more and more panic and anxiety attacks. I am mentally forcing myself out of the house, Monday to Friday, because I can't do it to Princess. I can't keep her house bound for 6 weeks because mummy cannot cope. She doesn't deserve it. I have 5 weeks left before my toddler princess becomes a big girl and starts infant school. I want to make memories, I want to revel in her existence because without her earthbound existence, I just can put my hand on my heart and tell you, I wouldn't be here, writing, no pouring, my heart out on a blog, that probably won't be read but having the faith or hope that maybe, just maybe, someone will listen to me.
I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed last night. I broke my soul up (the remaining pieces of it), I think I scared my husband.
I am desolate at the amount of pain I am in. The problem being with Chronic Pain is that you can't see it and I have perfected the performance of 'normality' when every fibre in my body wants to curl up and scream. It primarily existed in the lower back region. Now my hips burn if I walk too much. By walking too much, I mean, for able bodied people (like me a year ago), it would be, say, walking half way around the block towards the shop. A walk I took for granted a year ago. My knees hurt because I am constantly trying to adjust my back, hips and pelvis to the position of the moment that will get me through the next step or two. My feet constantly feel on fire. The podiarists of the world would proclaim it is because I live in flip flops. But I cannot bend into a position where it is comfortable to put any other type of shoes on. They are comfortable to me, they are easy. They are my life until either they break or winter sets in. My neck hurts. My shoulders hurt. I want to chop my head off and lay it down for a while. Perhaps an indefinate period. It will relieve the pressure on these two areas. I am having migraines. I am struggling to get to sleep. Yet once I am asleep, I cannot wake up. I keep dropping things, or forgetting things or words to the most simplest things. Or my train of thought disappears completely by one small interruption.
We live in a modern world, where medicines are discovered and tried and tested regularly. With huge successes. Yet I am quite often, left to get on with it. The (locum) GP I saw last week's words were 'let's get you to your pain clinic appointment' - that's great but am I meant to be left like this for a whole month???????????!!!!!!!!!!! I have been switched from one medicine to another so I may be more cranky but then I stopped taking the other shite because they weren't working so why pump myself full of medicines that don't work.
Then to top it all off, I am the fattest I have ever been.
But not fat enough for NHS help!
Work that one out.
I don't mean surgery or anything, just help.
They, the GPs (not my lovely GP who has been on a sabbatical for an eternity it seems! Roll on Tuesday when I see her!), say that the pain I am in, plus my weight issues, plus my out of control thyroid, plus my mood mean that I am fighting a losing battle.
I am even considering the extreme weight loss diets, like your Cambridge and Lighter Life, because I need to do something to help me lose weight. If I eradicate eating from every day life, maybe it will give me a chance to refocus on sorting everything else out in my life and hopefully, just losing some weight will mean that my mood will boost, my pain will lessen (cos apparently losing weight is key)... the problem being is I like food.
I feel like every door I try to open, gets slammed in my face. Pain relief, help with pain, thyroid problems. I feel like an emotional burden on everyone.
My demons are coming out to play and having a great time. Friends don't really want to see me, or hang out. I am too much of a hassle to be around. What with my anxiety, panic attacks, physical disability. Or if I am with people then are they only with me cos they feel sorry for me? Or have nothing better to do? I am such a horrible friend, and am not the person I was. I miss the old me. I miss the old me with friends.
I've tried explaining it to my husband and he tries to reassure me but I don't want to be me anymore.
End of. I just don't want to be me. I don't want to be the woman who had a son, with a heart defect, who died suddenly at 4.5mths old; who fell pregnant, lost another son, with the same heart defect, at 17.5 wks pregnant; who fell pregnant, had a healthy rainbow princess, her birth was traumatic, needed neonatal, needed intensive care. But is a rainbow of light in amongst the darkness. I don't want to be the woman who gets engulfed in the black cloud of depression and has literally the characters from 'Inside Out' (Disney Film) arguing things out. I don't want to be the woman who is trapped inside this fat body. I don't want to be the woman who is living in Chronic Pain.
I want to be the mummy who has 3 beautiful children, who is happy more than she is sad. Who isn't in Chronic Pain, who isn't fat.
I know its very easy to judge and say that if you are that depressed about your weight, do something about it. Believe me, I am trying but you may find it so easy to lose half a stone, or a stone. It's like climbing Everest to lose 1lb. Apparently I shouldn't be so hard on myself for it. Yeah right. I want to punch you in the face.
Normally, I can plan my way out. But that light at the end of the tunnel is literally a pin prick. Blink and you will miss it.
So if you are one of my friends reading this, I am sorry for the out pouring.
I understand if you walk away.
I would walk away too if I could.
Hell, I would happily run a marathon to get away from this miserable cow LOL
I just need a break from life.
xx
