So here I am, 3am and still wide awake. This is not a new occurrence for me. But I don't like it.
I've not blogged for a while and I should as it is quite therapeutic.
Life is shit. What else can I say?
I'm on a downhill spiral and I can't seem to get off the ride. Both physically and mentally. Physically.. I've more and more issues, with the insomnia being the newest addition! I'm exhausted but I get to bed and my mind just will not switch off. I've given in and worked, watched TV, read a book, tried to count sheep, got a drink for princess, turned her night light on because daddy forgot... I don't do not sleeping. I don't trust myself with sleeping tablets during the week, I worry about princess.
Mentality, I feel so bloody drained and at the bottom of the barrel. I've tried so hard to keep that brave face on when inside I am crumbling to a million pieces. Having a panic attack as I'm going to one of my 'safe' places. This is not be, I don't want to go backwards. But I only feel safe in the 4 walls of my house.
I'm panicking about the weekend, I've got to drive to London, my daddy is turning 60. Being in their house, my childhood home, it's a safe place. But we've got to go to the pub to celebrate. I don't like it, it's out of my control, it will make me claustrophobic, it will put my anxiety through the roof. But I have to do it. So that's Saturday. Sunday we are off to the park for a friends' daughter's birthday. I can deal with that, we will be outside, it's a favourite park as there is sea. There is something calming about the sea and it makes me at ease.
I went to the doctors today, not my normal one. Not sure if she's back from her sabbatical. Anyway, broke my heart to her and told her everything and I didn't get any support or anything.
What do I do to get some help?
My laid in bed, and my husband is snoring away and all I want is to curl up in his arms and sob. That's not normal. I shouldn't feel this way. I'm not an attention seeker, I'm not one of those people who would do something drastic to get the help but is that what I have to do?
All I feel like is that they are trying to get to the next pain clinic appointment but what if they can't help me?
I just hate feeling this way.
