Can't believe its been 2.5 months since I last wrote anything. It's mainly because I cannot just get into words the feelings and thoughts in my head and in my soul.
I am acutely aware that Eldest's birthday is 3 weeks yesterday and I am also in denial about him turning 7.
Why can't time just slow the fuck down. I am seriously not coping with the speed life is going at. I am barely grasping for air.
It's been a year since I got my message from a medium; and I sat and reflected on how life has changed for me so much in the last year. The way I face my grief, the way I deal with life, the way I am just able to cope.
I am not naive enough to think I am done on this journey with grief. I no longer feel all encompassed by it; like I am stood with my toes poking over the top of a cliff top. Moments like that (when it comes to grief) have eased. They are more pronounced with birthdays and anniversaries but then that is to be expected. I will grieve for the rest of my life. For them, for their deaths, for life without them, for what life is without them physically in it, for the carefree life of living without loss. They will forever be my life and their lives have changed mine, just like their deaths.
I miss them so much at the moment - I have had to answer that question: 'how many children do you have?' too many times in the last couple weeks and each and every time it stabs me in the heart. I have 3. Does it make you feel uncomfortable when I say I have 1 living? Would that make you think of whether I had any that died?
I am physically aching.
I am tired and weary.
In the last year, I feel I have stood a lot on my own two feet. I have moved away from negative influences in my life. I have recognised unhealthy relationships and had to step back. Things have been said that cannot be taken back and they haven't been apologised for.
I often wonder what is being said about me, whether I am missed. I do miss them because they were a huge part of my life for so long and they were with me through quite a lot of milestones. I am also grown up enough to realise that I can't make them change. I can only imagine what has been said and it tears me up inside because I don't feel I deserve it. Then I am asked - but why do you care?
And that's the killer - why do I? What does it really matter? They have made their own minds up about me and yes, things are probably being said but I cannot change that. All I can do is wait for someone else to come back and say 'you know what, this is what has happened, is this what happened to you?'
It's actually quite funny because I find the Justin Bieber song 'Love Yourself' has so many apt lines, I feel like I need it on loop in my head.... "For all the times that you rain on my parade.... You think I'm crying, on my own well I ain't...... But when you told me that you hated my friends, The only problem was with you and not them, And every time you told me my opinion was wrong, And tried to make me forget where I came from.... For all the times you made me feel small, I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all, I never felt so low when I was vulnerable, Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?..."
Like I said, I am standing on my own two feet. I have an amazing support network - C especially; she gets me, I get her. There is no airs and graces, there is no pretending I am fine. She knows when I am not. She makes me talk, she makes me cry, and then laugh all over again.
It sounds so stupid but I feel like I have finally found girlfriends - you know, the ones you talk make-up, boys, sex, clothes with... I have never had that. I didn't have this at school or as a teenager. I am almost 33 years old and I am beginning to be me.
My anxiety and depression are quite bad at the moment. Anxiety moreso. I am struggling in safe places. It's getting me down and I am trying to fight through it but its so overwhelming. Thankfully, I have C who 110% gets it, and other friends too. Doesn't help I am caught in a constant loop of virus after virus.
I am so exhausted from life. There are days where I actually don't want to open my eyes and face another day. Princess got chickenpox at the end of the Easter holidays and it was lovely knowing I couldn't go anywhere as it made it more excusable to shut the door and not go outside.
Problem is, life has returned to normal so I am now struggling with fighting through.
When everything is fine, I can cope with life a lot better - but when its not, I can't.
I got tonsillitis last week and I couldn't swallow any medication and I still can't swallow tablets, they are making me gag. So my sertraline has worn off. My morphine is out of my system and I am at the bottom of the barrel, caught between the rock (needing to take the medication) and the hard place (physically taking them). They will make me feel better and positive.
But how can I just believe once again??
