I can feel myself spiralling downwards.
Hubby's birthday was on Wednesday. We never speak of it but we both silently remember 6 years ago. It was also a Wednesday.
As much as I try and jolly myself up for everyone else, so I don't get artificial sympathy, I cannot but help to think of 'this time 6 years ago....'
The ache in my heart is much more louder, the tears are privately falling.
"What it meant to lose you, no one will ever know..."
Yesterday, someone said to me that its rumoured to snow the weekend. That's where it popped into my head. It was snowing the day he was born.
It's stupid really, the little things, the innocent things that can force a memory or thought into your head.
I had pain clinic last week and I am emotionally normal - according to the psychologist. I don't know why I was nervous, perhaps I forgot he had lost a son, Cian. It was nice to talk to a professional who knew the thoughts in my head. It was nice to look way down the track to where I may get to.
Then Princess says the other day how she wants to dig her brothers up and bring them home with us.
Head fuck alert. How does a 4.5 year old know that?
As I said to the psychologist, part of me wishes we did cremate them, it would have meant packing up and moving somewhere new would have been an option. Its inconceivable to think of it now, for the moments we are at their grave, even though I know that realistically its just bones down there, we are a family of 5, together.
It's weird, as I cannot remember what we did for the 5 days between the 16 week scan and the re-scan.... it's going to bug me.... I can remember the scan, I can remember the re-scan. I can remember everything of the 15th February 2010 and onwards, but those 5 days we waited, we prayed that they would be wrong, I cannot remember.
For now, I need to ride out the build up....
