Here. In the background.
I haven't known exactly what to say or how to get it all out in some sort of sense... so I have stayed away.
A lot of change has happened since April 2016; "sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearer" and that's exactly what I did with a friendship. I had known for around a year that perhaps I wasn't as important to her as I thought I was. I tried hard to give her the benefit of the doubt with personal things going on but the more distance there was, the harder it was to try to connect with her again.
But then to be accused of never being there for her, especially when she felt I should have been was uncalled for. I always dropped everything to help her, be there for her, to do whatever she wanted. Nonetheless when things were so bad for her. I was pushed out by her family when I wanted to be there for her but still that is my fault.
I know now that no matter what I do, did, say or said; it would never be enough. Not that I would ever be allowed to say what my version of events were. She thinks that I am wrong and she is right and no one is allowed to differentiate from that.
I have since learned that our friendship was toxic. I have read lots of different things about emotional abuse and in hindsight, perhaps that is what our friendship was in the end.I know I am better off without her and am discovering who I really am. It is like stepping out of the shadows and into the light.
I am also stepping out behind the shadows of my anxiety. I am finally getting support with it but it does mean I am facing demons that I didn't know how buried they had been. Instead of just being diagnosed with depression, anxiety and OCD, turns out I have much bigger issues. Try PTSD, OCD, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Trauma Related Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia and Depression.
I have pretty much become housebound with the agoraphobia and the anxiety levels are through the roof. My socialisation had become minute and very selective. It was a case of needing to try and fix it so that princess's life wasn't effected anymore than it already was and before she realises mummy is a basket case!
So how's it going? Um, I am not sure. Currently we are exploring the Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety and I am having exposure therapy - not gone too well that one; I was the one crying in the middle of a shopping centre because I literally couldn't cope with the anxiety attack. But I survived it and I am here telling you all about it!
There are days where I literally don't want to get out of bed; I just want to sleep it away an hope to wake up in a better mood. I am grateful for the friends who stick by me. I have good friends who don't let me wallow for too long before pulling me out from drowning in my anxiety bubble. I am entirely grateful for my low maintenance friends who are happy with texting, Facebook and Instagram contact but then there are the ones who keep promising to meet up.
I don't mean to come across clingy or needy but its a big deal for me to want to see you, to meet up with you. Please do keep to arrangements or come back to me when you say you will. It hurts so much when I then don't hear from you. Social anxiety is a bitch and I will create a scenario where it is my fault and the reason you don't want to meet is because of me. If it's true then say so. Don't let me torture myself any more than I already do. Or if it is just because you forget all the time, then don't forget, make a plan and stick to it. And if you can't do that, then please, don't offer the olive branch of 'hey let's meet up'.
I am in an okay place most of the time. As we near littlest' birthday, I am finding it harder. Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of eldest's 20 week scan. Just a scan. But it was the scan that changed everything. It was the moment in our lives where the naivety of expecting our first child turned our world and little did we know that 40 weeks later, we would have said goodbye to that little boy. So I got all emotional at the cemetery, for the first time in a while. It is so hard to comprehend that I should have three children fighting for cuddles every day; a 7 year old, an almost 7 year old and a 5 year old. Coupled with the princess cat, the dog and our newest 4 legged addition!
We got a cockapoo!
It was a spur of the moment decision, probably one that we should have thought about a bit more in hindsight. The bunny died unexpectedly which broke me into a million pieces. The last time I felt that way was 19th February 2010. He was my snuggly one. He would give the best cuddles and he was gone. My friend was getting a cockapoo and the sister of the puppy was still available. I did fall in love with her when we went to visit but not in a way where I wanted to bring it home. I thought our family was just right. We nicknamed her Mia... well I didn't, Princess and the husband did. Then one afternoon, he said let's get her. I was in shock. It's like finding out you are pregnant unexpectedly!
So she is a pickle. She is still a puppy. The dog is used to her now but he's also a daddy. I think I would have preferred one of his puppies but I have to say the pickle does give nice cuddles! She is very clingy and does follow you around. She also gets jealous if you give the dog attention and not her. When she's not having accidents (touch wood they are few and far between at the moment) or chewing things (teething at present) then she's adorable. I had forgotten how much hard work the first year is! But the dog is proof it gets easier.
So that's my update for now. I promise to be more regular with the updates, especially on the journey of managing my anxiety. I know there are a lot of you that follow my Facebook page for it. I am thinking of changing the name though - what do you think? Do you think the Diary of a Rainbow Mum is still apt?
Should it be something else?? It's still my diary I guess...! xxx
