Having anxiety is no fun.
The OED defines Anxiety as:
"a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome"; with synonyms varying from concern or unease to fear and stress.
But what does it truly mean to have anxiety?
Let's look at Jack and Jill. They had to climb the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack doesn't think twice and skips off with the bucket.
Jill worries about getting to the top, what if I fell, what would Jack do, what would Jack say. Would he laugh at me? Would he tease me? What if I don't make it to the top, I mean it's a very tall hill. Do I really need to fetch the water with Jack, can he not go on his own. No, I can do it. I mean Jack finds it so easy and effortless to wander up the hill. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking why am I taking so long. I know, I will put this happy face on and carry on. If I act okay, then it will be okay. Right? No one knows what I am thinking. But what if they do. What if they are mind readers? Oh I don't know. Oh look we are half way up now. The view is pretty. So you could say, I am half way there I guess. And I have done half. But I am only a quarter of the way because I still have to get to the top, get the water and carry it down. I wonder how we can get the bucket in the well. Jack better be careful carrying it down as I don't want to drop it, or slip. Is there even water in the well? Jack's talking to me, and I can't remember what he was saying because I was too busy overthinking the whole water-bucket-well. If I do this once, then I will be okay, cos I surely can do it again. I don't want to do it again, but I know it hasn't been so bad. Oh look, what a lovely day weather wise. I could be doing so many other things. Ah we are at the top now. Just got to get the water and go home. Perhaps we can play after this, I wonder what Jack is thinking. Is it nearly time for food, I am hungry. Okay, time to go Jill, calm down and take a deep breath. It won't be so hard going down. Still a lovely day but this bucket is so heavy. I wish Jack would stop being silly, he might spill some of the water and then we will be in trouble. Oh man, its so heavy, what if I fall over as we carry it down. JACK STOP IT! Uh-oh, Jack's fallen over, OMG is he okay? What if he's dead, what if he's broken something. OMG what do I do? Time to think straight Jill before you get yourself in any bother. Oh dear, I just tripped and stumbled too. Luckily the bucket is okay and I didn't go as far as Jack. He looks like he is crying. So glad it wasn't me, everyone would laugh if it was me and I would never live it down. Everyone will probably see my pants or something, why is it easier for boys than girls to have trips and falls! Looks like Jack broke his crown but he will be a hero before too long and they will forget about me. Do I want them to forget about me? Maybe its best if I was as silly as Jack!
I deliberately didn't break up the paragraphs because that is how it runs through my head when it is anxiety. One minute I can be totally focused and then a million and one thoughts come in and out of my brain at a million miles and hour. I know, rationally, it is not Jack's fault and it was an accident but all the thoughts weave in and out of my brain. In reality, the event probably only lasted 5 or so minutes but Jill would have been having the thoughts before they set off.
It takes one tiny trigger to get off this mindless anxiety but it never is the same trigger and once you get over one, another one happens. The most important thing to remember is that anxiety is OUT OF OUR CONTROL. When it happens, how long, what happens through an attack... none of it is controlled by the person having an anxiety attack. They don't want to go through as much as you don't want them to go through it but it controls them.
So how can you help someone through it. Be there. Don't say they are crazy, not to worry, nothing bad will happen. Because they are all ready preempting the worry and bad things. And they most certainly are not crazy. LISTEN. Listen to their worries and anxieties. REASSURE them that you will be there every step of the way, regardless if they never make it to the top of the hill. We may need to be held, we may need a guiding hand, a gentle voice, or we may just need to be left alone. But not too alone.
You can read a million and one different versions of anxiety attacks and varying reports of how anxiety affects someone but each person has a different anxieties. Just like how our fingerprints are unique. Anxiety is too. Try to understand, be patient, be supportive. If they have a specific way of relaxing after an attack, be kind. For example, if they like to chill with a book. Make them a cup of tea, light a candle, lay the book out. Or if they like to hide away under a blanket - pull the curtains, turn out the light, grab a big blanket or one for each of you and sit with them. Put a film on, or watch trashy TV. These small actions show us you care. They show you understand.They are acts of love.
Three things that perhaps in that moment, we need to feel because having anxiety, and an attack, can and does render us so helpless to our minds, knowing that someone understands and cares enough to notice that this is what helps you unwind after, can and does help with future attacks.
