iTalk

I have an iTalk session today.

This is my therapy sessions and initially they were very helpful and helped me to see things in a different light. It also gave me a diagnosis.

However, before Christmas, she felt we needed to focus more on one area than just general therapy. She felt we needed to tackle my agoraphobia.

We did.

It was hard.

But I am now able to go to my local town without having a panic attack or anxiety attack. I can even go alone. Something I wasn't able to do a year ago. So I am probably where I was 2 years ago. I still cannot go to the big town or to my local Asda (its huge and it petrifies me). She asked if we could tackle these areas but I said to her the thought of Asda freaks me out completely. And as for the big town... she doesn't understand that yes we can work on consisitent exposure for it and I may be able to conquer it but its not somewhere I go often enough so that if I did conquer it then I may not go for 3 or so months. So it feels defeatist to begin it. I have taken baby steps when we do go and I feel that she has given me the tools to work through it when I do go.

So she asked, what did I want to get out of the sessions now.

The answer is to feel normal.

But I don't think that is possible.

I overthink things. I worry incessantly about things. I like to "control" things so I know where everything is, what is happening when, that I have what I need. I have OCD - but I like my house tidied the way I like it tidy. I like things in order so its easy to find and locate. I hate mess (and the current state of my house prickles at me but the curse of redecorating!).

I hate the fact that their birthdays and anniversaries bring up flashbacks and memories. But then I like that because it reminds me that they were here. The heartbreak is a reminder of the loss of them, and is immeasurable to the love I have for them.

I hate PTSD. I hate the bad memories. I hate reliving his death. I panic when I see an ambulance. I want everyone to move out of the way, because I was in there once. I don't remember the journey but what if someone being in our way, would have made a difference. But realistically, I know he was gone before we got into that ambulance.

But all of this is entwined with them. If I 'fix' it, what will happen to them? Will they not exist? But of course they existed and they do exist.

Everyone sees me as this strong woman, but I am far from it. I feel like I am threading water, but the performance of being a strong woman is so good, I think I convince myself most of the time.

I worry about my husband. He is depressed. I feel like I need to stop focusing on me because I need to help him, help himself.

I feel like I have too many pennies in the pot right now, they all add up but they need to stay in the pot because I need to save him. I need to save my marriage.