So I lost my blogging mojo. To be honest, I don’t feel like this blog is no longer, solely, going to be about being a bereaved mama. I will always be a mummy whose babies have died. Their presence, their deaths, will always impact my life but I am no longer absorbed in the grief of life.
I have a rainbow princess, who I adore. Who is now 6 years old. I mean, how did that happen? 6 years of parenting her, 6 years of light after darkness. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been a bed of roses. I am still a parent at the end of the day. She frustrates me, she pushes my buttons, she pushes me to the brink and then in one small look, gesture, saying… I am right back adoring her and all that is her being.
Did I mention she turned 6? 6 is mega old. It’s the age where they are no longer littlies. She is in the growing up phase. Overnight, I swear, she changed. She was taller, smarter, wiser, more beautiful than she was when she went to sleep. I adore her. Every last bit. Even when she lost all her birthday presents and party on her birthday because of a 5am wake up that resulted in an over-tired, hyper, over-excited and overwhelmed birthday girl, who declared that her birthday was rubbish because we didn’t play on anything in the bowling place. Yeah, you read that right. We only popped into look at maybe doing the arcades but Hollywood Bowl has a funky new system of where you need a pre-paid card to play the machines. So of course, it was not working. Queue meltdown.
She spent the following day (party day) making up for her bad behaviour by earning her presents back with good behaviours, nice manners, kindness and love. It may sound harsh to some but that is how we parent. She pushed us to the brink and the only way we could regain the control is to take away what caused the tantrum – her birthday. It makes her appreciative of what she has because she then earned everything bit by bit and she was able to play with each one rather than have a massive pile, where she doesn’t know what to do next.
She had a lovely weekend, so did my bank balance! Thank god it is only once a year. I had to pay for our holiday as well this month so I am currently living within my means. I really cannot wait for payday so I can stop panicking every time I need to check the balance of my account!
This used to be me all the time but we got so good with money, I use to always feel safe in the knowledge, that I had money sitting in my account. Now I don’t like it! I am praying for my graphic work orders to see me through as well! I best start saving for next year’s shenanigans! Thankfully, it falls on a weekend!
What I adored about her was the fact that during all the craziness, she asked to go and see her brothers (the cemetery). She wanted to tell them about her birthday, show them her new bike and her pretty dress that Nanna and Grandad got. She asked why they lived there and we spoke about how it is just their garden and the place we come to say hello and talk to them but really they live in Heaven, with mummy’s granny and grandad and our bunny, Oscar. We spoke about Heaven and what its like and what she imagines it to be. I told her how I imagined it to be. We spoke about how they are always with us, in our hearts and when we see the butterflies and the robins. I swear the day she tells me she’s playing with them in her room, I won’t know whether to cry in happiness or fear LOL!
So that’s our little update for now… Same ol’ shit from the grown ups but I have faith we will make it, our track record is 100% so far..
