I still can't.
This is most likely the last post of 2015 and I know I am in a better place than this time last year. Having the message from the medium healed some of my open wounds. I know they are okay, I know they are happy in Heaven. I will never ever be 'over' their deaths but a weight was lifted then and living without them is a tiny (teeny tiny) bit easier.
June saw my then-best friend's mum die from the injuries she sustained in her tragic accident. It brought me and then-best friend closer again but too many things had been said by her, that will not be forgiven or forgotten. So here we are, over 6 months later and I probably wouldn't say we are close.
Friends? Acquaintances?
I'll always treasure the friendship we had but now my eyes have been opened and I actually don't like the way she has treated me and continues to. I will not go into specifics as I actually do not want to be brought into a negative head space with her.
End of October saw me reach a new low for me. I felt at rock bottom and didn't want to be here anymore. I was blowing things out of proportion in my mind and feeling worthless. Thankfully I have an amazing GP who saw that I wasn't me but I had been 'okay' a few weeks ago and there had been an increase in my pain medication... The same medication which was giving me pain relief was causing me to be suicidal. Reducing it again has made me "normal" once again. Problem is, I now have to wait until February to see the pain clinic and get that medication reassessed.
But did I once have a call or text from her to see how I was? She has no clue what went on because she is so self absorbed on her own planet.
So for 2016, out goes the negative influences on my life and I need to get a grip on everything that is making me unhappy. Starting with my weight.
I have got to stop pissing around, pretending that I am doing something about it when in reality, it is very far from it.
I realistically have around 7-8stone to lose. To get back to a weight I was most happy at. But that weight was my early 20s and let's not beat around the bush, I'm 32 and a half years old.
So let's start with that bloody 1 stone award. If I can get that, but the worlds my bloody oyster.
2016 will also see me starting more counselling, I've been recommended it because I need help learning to live with my loss. I had counselling to help me work out the whys and wherefores of their deaths but it was pointed out that I live in a cycle of moving from one milestone to another and never getting a break from grief and loss.
Yeah, let's see how that goes, shall we?
