I've actually started and deleted countless times.
Nothing seems right.
So this is where I will start, a quote I posted on my Facebook/Twitter pages yesterday:
"They say that time’s supposed to heal ya,
but I ain’t done much healing ...”
(Adele)
Two sentences that can sum up how I have felt for the last 3 weeks.
I bumbled along in the build up, waiting for it all to hit, being distracted by life in general. Both hubby and I were quite shocked that I hadn't fallen to pieces already.
Then at 10 minutes past midnight on the 1st October, my wifey texts me. And the floodgates open. My heart breaks as if he had died 6 minutes prior, not 6 years. The sobs that leave my body are mirrored from 6 years ago. The pain is so bloody intense and raw, it's as if I had been cut open again. Hence, why I started with that quote.
But then I have healed. In the sense that life is not one giant obstacle course that I need to get through every single day. The healing is there in the sense that I can and have gotten through the last 2,190 days without him. I have healed from the freshness of grief.
But every single day without him is a rite of passage as I may have lived this date, last 6 years, without him but each one hurts just as much as the previous one.
I sat at their garden reflecting on all their sleeping friends and the pain and agony of seeing how much that row has grown is visually in front of us each and every week. But we are still the only family, that probably comes, every single weekend. There is only 1 other family who comes regularly, but not as frequent as us. I cannot begin to imagine not going every weekend, but then 6 years ago, I couldn't imagine not going every day. I knew one day, I would have to stop visiting every day but I can't see us never going every weekend. Likewise, I don't understand why families only visit on the memorable dates (birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas...). Don't get me wrong, there is no right or wrong way to travel this path but for me, it is difficult to understand how parents can painfully bury their child but to one visit their garden 2 maybe 3 times a year. I can rationalise it but it doesn't make sense to me at all. I won't delve into who is right or wrong in the scenario and every family has secret heartaches, no one knows about, I just know that it will never be me.
My dear friend, Andy, has done a blog recently, and so many of what he said, is so true. There are key elements, which I hope he doesn't mind me picking out.
Grief. Anger. Stress. Gratitude. Feeling like the world owed you one. Fight. Determination. Control. Grief.
It always comes back to grief. Because that is the beginning and the end.
I remember telling Andy that he will go on a massive roller-coaster ride following the death of his son. And just when he thinks it's coming to an end, there will be a unforeseen twist.
My advice, just go with it. There is no right or wrong way.
And that is what hubby and I always agree on. There is no right or wrong way. Only what is our way.
How we chose to deal with, manage, live, exist, with our loss, our grief, our lives after loss.
