Background of the story is that I had been feeling like there was something not quite right between me and (now ex) best friend and after debating it for weeks, I finally texted her and asked her if there was anything wrong.
I was right, there was something wrong but what has happened since has left me feeling shaken, heartbroken, destroyed and vulnerable. I was given a list of things (I felt/feel perhaps they were minor and fixable) and it was signed off as "I have tried for 3 months and I can't do it anymore". Which I read as I can't try anymore so I don't want anything more to do with you. Is that a natural assumption?
Being heartbroken, I sobbed to my husband about how shit of a person I must be and he jumped to my defence saying that it can't be me as all I did was asked if there was anything wrong and she hadn't said anything - would she of ever said anything? He was naturally upset and hurt because it wasn't just me, it was his friendship with her too. Unknown to me, he messaged her and asked a couple of questions, the number 1 was, was she faking the friendship for the last 3 months. Now its not as if we had hardly seen each other. We spent at least 1 whole day together once a week, we used to speak every day on the phone and constantly message each other. We had only just had lunch together a few days prior. She responded with how could you think that of me, but I still think he was right in wanting to know. She declared it was me who ended the friendship not her. She also said her kids were poorly and she didn't want to talk.
So when he told me what happened, naturally, I messaged to say I hoped the kids would get better soon and if there was anything I could do. I explained how I read her message and if it was a mistake (which I hoped) then I hope we can sort things out. Knowing her focus would be on the kids, I told her I would give her space and contact her a few days later to see how everyone was and her thoughts on our friendship.
I held out hope, I thought she would be fine and we could sort everything out. We just needed to sit down and discuss what her issues were and for me to explain things that she didn't understand. Except she didn't answer my first message. I then called her and it rang out. So I messaged her again to see if everything was okay.
The following 24hrs are such a blur, I don't know where to begin. She kept saying little things that had bothered her and I responded with an explanation and an apology. But each comeback would again be about something that could be easily explained and was misunderstood as there was good intentions behind it but it wasn't apparent at the time. There was something about a phone call, a call I don't remember happening but I gave my opinion on what the scenario would have been if it happened a couple of days ago rather than months. Then she said I announced her new baby's name on Facebook before she did. I know in my heart that I wouldn't have done it without something from them, I know how precious it is. However, when I went back through, the evidence showed me that I did actually do it and I apologised profusely.
What did I get back? She snapped at me because she felt I implied she had deleted it. I never said such a thing, I merely pointed out the evidence was not in my favour and I was completely in the wrong for it. She told me I was stressing her out and to leave her alone. So I have.
But I am broken. I am lost. I have no idea where all of this had come from because she hadn't said anything at all. If she had said at the time, I don't like this - I would have said sorry and not done it again. Apparently, I wasn't like her other friends. No, because I am me and that was the reason we were friends in the first place, so I thought. I am struggling to comprehend how easily she pushed me out and bolted the door shut and it has made me question everything about myself.
I can't be that shit of a friend because I have lots of other friends who have never once said anything like she has done. But its not just her actions towards me. It's the actions of those who I thought were in our friendship circle, those who I thought I had a friendship aside from knowing her. But I have been ostracised from them. They have all closed the door on us. I have no idea what she has said to them, I would love to know because I have a side to tell. I am stood here not knowing exactly what it is I have done. Its hurtful that all the good times have been cast aside, all the memories we had, because of a few things she wasn't happy about - which she never told me about. However, the blame is being laid at my door.
They said that they will always remember your mistakes but never remember the good memories. This I have found to be true. I cannot help but also think that the 'new' friend she made had also caused this. It cannot surely be coincidental that the precise moment this friend walked in was also the same time I was pushed out. I am struggling because ever 'reason' given to me, was something that could easily be solved. If only she would talk to me, meet me for a cuppa, let's hash it out.
The hardest part is the fact that despite how I felt and feel, my arms are open and I would accept her back into my life. Though I know that it will never be the same, I would be threading on eggshells for a while. As for everyone else, what did I do to you? I get that you feel you should take her side because you have known her longer but I thought we were friends away from her. I thought you were my friend too.
So the soul searching continues, I need to find my place in the world again. I need to understand myself and how I could put myself in a situation where I allowed myself to get so close to someone again, only for them to rip my heart out. Nothing makes sense. Each day, I wonder. I wonder if she would realise she made a mistake. If she would say sorry too. Every day I know its not going to happen. I never thought she would be like this so is it my fault for being vulnerable?
I can feel the walls of agoraphobia closing in and I am counting down the minutes to the Christmas holidays from school for Princess. I need her more than anything. She is my reason for living. I need her to absorb my thoughts, because if I don't control them, they stray to thoughts of her and then I go over everything once again.
Am I just this shit person like she makes me feel?
