Today has been a day of reflection, recognition and moving forward.
When a person loses a child, you get the textbook phrases said to you, even 6 years later. Most of the time (fellow bereaved parents will know what I mean) its all well intended and as the bereaved mumma, I take the sentiment.
But there comes a time when as a bereaved mumma, I am thinking about what others are thinking. No, I haven't got over his, or their, deaths. No I haven't moved on. I am no longer the sobbing, quivering wreck at the mere mention of their names. I am at one.
That's all I can say on it. I am at one. Yes, I miss them. Yes, I hate the fact that life is so fucking unfair; to bury not one, but two babies in the space of 4 months. Yes, I wish they were here. No, I don't know how I cope, I don't know how I have gone from not being able to leave the house for just feeling overwhelmed, to being able to do 'normal' things.
The whole process of being a bereaved mumma is fucked up. There is no manual. Just like there is no manual for the first time parent. I just muddle through as best as I can, swim as hard as I can, sometimes the tide takes me back. But you know what, that is okay.
I see the desolation, the rawness of the pain, in the eyes of that mummy whose precious child has just become an angel. I see it. I feel it. I relive it. What can I say to her? Other than, you know what, it will be okay. I was where you were, there was no one holding my hand, but I am here for you. I will hold your hand. It's okay to let go of my hand and try and sort it on your own, but my hand, and my heart, will always be open to you.
Because I am further down the path than you are.
You see, I envisage a path, more or less the same as Dorothy on the yellow brick road. Only it's not yellow. The beginning is darkness and you are travelling towards the light. Along the way, you will encounter various people who may or may not help you. I am no where near the Emerald Castle but I am in the hazy sunshine, the slight warmth of spring on my skin. I can see the darknes behind me, I can see the clear path ahead of me.
If I step further towards it, it doesn't mean I forget, or move on. It just means, I have found a new path of understanding.
This time 15 years ago, I went on a first date. Unknown to me and this boy, but our paths should have crossed years before it, but fate... destiny... brought us together at this particular point in our lives. We laugh about that first date now, Pizza Hut followed by Kevin and Perry Go Large at the cinema. I know, so retro!
But that boy held my hand for the first time on that date, and he's never let go. He has been my rock, my strength, my better half (I will admit that here as he probably won't read this!), my sanity, my stability, my true love, my soul mate... we were just meant to be.
You see, I was meant to go to his secondary school and he mine. But we never did.
His family friends daughter, was one of my best friends at school. But we never met. (Coincidenitally, her ex-boyfriend was his best man and one of our best friends now!)
I was a checkout chick, and I did a lot of checking out ;-) I once saw him and thought he was a bit of alright. Didn't know who he was.
Only fate finally intervined at this point and back then, you wouldn't believe it but we had no Facebook, Mobile Phones were relatively new - so we wrote letters to each other. Before we went on a date.
We used to write letters to each other all the time; even after our first date. As you can tell, I like to write. I can express myself literately better than I can vocally. But once we started texting, that was it.
I remember the first texts. I was in afternoon registration at 6th Form. Don't remember much more after that afternoon as once we started, we didn't stop.
I do have a point to this story... bear with me...
So, the date of our first date, the date we became a couple was Thursday 11th May 2000.
Fast forward to Monday 11th May 2009.
We had moved in together, moved away from family and our friends. Started a new life down south. We had our bumps in the road. I graduated university, we got engaged. We got married.
Monday 11th May was our 9th 'date' anniversary, but it was the last day we were officially a couple.
I was induced that morning.
But he waited 24 hours to make our lives complete.
One chapter ended and now our new chapter began as a family.
So tomorrow is about celebration. Celebrating the fact that 6 years ago, this small baby boy came into the world. 7lb 15oz at 36 weeks and 5 days gestation.
He changed everything. He made us a family. He made us fighters. He showed us how to be strong. He showed us true love. He showed us that nothing could break us. He made us believe in miracles.
He not only came into our world, the world, but the heart world.
He showed us true courage, he showed us that love can change everything.
So tomorrow is about celebrating our biggest boy's 6th birthday. He isn't physically with us, but we know he is always around us. He is playing football in the clouds above with his brother and all his angel friends. He is happy, he is free, he doesn't know the world full of pain, medications, surgeries, procedures. He is free as a butterfly.
It's about celebrating becoming a family for the very first time.
xxxxx
p.s. to the parent who isn't at this point just yet; don't wish for it. You will learn alot more about yourself before you get to this point. I am not saying the pain, sweat and tears will be gone, but you will be able to smile at the memories of them, for they have made you strong enough to live another day.
