That's how my life has felt like since I last posted - hopefully I will make sense through this.
Last night I was sat thinking about how much has changed in the last year. Me, personally. Friendships, Life, Death, everything.
I feel that the last year I have 'matured' even further, and it is something I have seen in a few fellow bereaved mummas. Darling Carly Marie summed it up beautifully in her post in Still Standing Magazine - here is the link: http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/12/voices-differences/
I feel I have evolved a lot more now. I have found my footing in this world as a mother to three children, two of whom, live in Heaven. I have accepted who I am as a person now and am able to rationalise thoughts and feelings on this, often, lonely path. I know I have changed. But I have had to change, my life has dictated that I had to find a new normal for me.
Sadly, this meant some things in life and friendships have to change. I prioritise my life now, and love nothing more than an afternoon walking in the park with my family. It's free and so, so simple. Yet soulfully gratuitous. I am grateful for the fact I can do this. Yes, apart of me will always wish that I am watching 3 small people bundle around in muddy puddles, but I physically only see 1. I don't need to repeat that I know they are with us. I feel it in my heart. I am grateful for the small, childish things my daughter does because I never had her brothers do it before her.
Christmas is always a period of reflection for me. I hate New Years. I hate the fact its so commercial when the significance gets lost in translation. It's not about getting as drunk as possible and singing songs at midnight; ensuring your true love is your first kiss of the new year. I spend this period reflective of the path I have walked, not only in 2013 but all the years since 2008.
Why 2008? I look at a poignant picture of myself, stood in front of our Christmas Tree, 16 weeks pregnant, so blissfully happy and content. I look so young, so innocence, so carefree.
Look at me now. I feel like I have travelled a huge expanse of space, I have learnt so much about myself and those I choose to have around me.
I have had to say goodbye to more friends this year. Some, its been a mutual thing, where time and circumstance mean we no longer talk or have anything in common. I know one day, we will speak again. Others, chose to walk away. Some, I have chosen to walk away from.
My life has long been full of negativity and I don't like to have that in my life any more. More neutral or positives please.
I was told after my last post that one friendship that was lost I would regret. But whilst I did the final cutting of strings, the other half of the friendship had already made their decision. Do I regret it? I regret how the friendship came to an end. I would say 99% of some friendships can be brought back to life.
There has also been a flurry of new lives. Lots of new baby cousins for me to adore. When I lost the boys, the very last thing I wanted to do was hold a baby that wasn't mine. Now I just want to snuggle these babies up as there is nothing better than baby snuggles. Just a shame there is the Irish Sea between us to prevent that happening.
So you can see why I labelled this post Topsy Turvey. I have a lot of ups and a lot of downs. But I do bid you all a very Merry Christmas and a gentle one to all my fellow bereaved parents.
