5 Christmases without my eldest
4 Christmases without my youngest boy
3 Christmases with my princess
2 Fur Baby's
1 Heart Still Broken
I was doing fine up until about 2.30pm today.
I got a text from my best friend saying she had been to the boys' garden and the wind and the rain from the day previous had made everything be strewn across the cemetery. She said she had tidied up everything but didn't know if she missed anything. That was it, my stomach was doing a rollercoaster.
We were on our way to church for the children's Christmas service but princess had fallen asleep and as she's poorly we diverted to the cemetery. Their garden was okay, a couple things out of place but the relief was immense.
We also saw that their friend, two beds down, had left them a teddy. We had given all their friends a Christmas card last year and also this year so it was touching for a kind gesture to be returned.
We then went to our local church to say a few prayers and light candles for the boys and their friends.
The Parish newsletter this week was poignant. Father Michael asked:
"What is the most important or valuable gift that could be given or received at Christmas?"
My answer. My boys back here with me and if I couldn't have that for me, then I wish for one of my angel mummies or daddies to have their child back.
Father Michael went on to say the reason he asked was because of a conversation he had with a parent about the "upmost importance .. that the children would be found worthy to be in the presence of God in Heaven"
Now as I've mentioned before my faith had wavered since I lost my boys but I also found the above saying to be thought evoking.
I believe in God.
I believe in Heaven.
I believe in Spiritualism.
I don't believe that my life thus so far was apart of God's plan - because then he would be a b@$tard as no one deserves to feel this pain.
But I believe in God.
But should I?
Father Michael goes on to explain that God's gift was of his son's birth. So why giveth, to taketh away? We all know Jesus died and if we were to believe that God has a plan for us all then was his own son's death was in his plan?
Father Michael says that there is no need to be afraid as God is with us, there is no need to be held captive by the mistakes of the past and no reason to feel so alone.
But I still feel all 3.
I long ago spoke of the fact I was encouraged to speak to Father Michael about my emotions and feelings - and I am a believer in signs so is this yet another sign from my church to explore those to have some faith restored?
Another thing to ponder about at Christmas time.
So now as I listen to Michael Buble and reflect on my Christmas Angels and their friends.
Thanks for reading for the last year x
