Finding the right words to say can often be my biggest challenge... often the simplest terms of 'I am having a crap time of it' should be enough but when is it too much? I struggle reaching out as I am afraid that those that I do reach out to, are silently rolling their eyes at me and saying in their heads - 'Again?'. I don't ever want to be someone's burden, for people to think they have to listen to me. Which is why I try and express myself on here alot. I do remain anonymous, but I know I have a few friends that read this - often they will message me or comment and I am honestly touched. I do know there are some who read this blog and don't comment or say anything.
There is a reason for my anonymity, simply because I do find it difficult to reach out so this is my way of saying - I am not happy. Be it with life, friends, family or randomness.
Life has taken me in circles, and whilst I may not roll in the millions or live the life of luxury, I am happy in my little world. If I want to spoil my daughter because leaving her at home with daddy for two days whilst I went away for a weekend in London, I shouldn't have to be made to feel like I am raising a brat. She is two years old. She doesn't realise that I am spoiling her. I am easing my own concious but also aware of how much enjoyment she will have from my gifts. And those that do voice said opinion should take a long hard look in the mirror.
I feel older than my 30 years of life, and often have to think, I was just shy of 26 when I had my eldest. I was left vulnerable and exposed. Social Networking was not as much part of daily life as it is today so I often felt isolated in the world of hospitals, medical terminology, and heart problems. When I look back now, I see I tried to make life normal because I had no one to ask - well, what should I be doing. Now, I am quite prominent (probably too much so) on social networking and I hope I support a lot of families both pre-natal, antenatal, hospitals and general life. Because I was there when I had no one.
4 years down the line, I have more friends that understand now than they did 4 years ago. These friendships are offering me opportunities I never thought would be possible. I wouldn't say 2013 has been a shit year personally, not the greatest, but better than 2012 but I feel as we move into 2014, I will achieve so much in the work I do, do. So many plans are in the pipeline and I am excited and looking forward with happiness rather than trepidation.
2013 so far has seen far too many children die from CHD and each time, a little piece of me breaks off again because I still know that pain. It is cushioned by 4 years of adjustment, tears, strength, despair and loneliness. And in those depths of negativity, I know I can simply put a status on Facebook and get words of encouragement. Not that I do it for that but knowing people care, means a lot. A new friend, someone I have gotten to know since his son had surgery which sadly meant he was unable to carry on living on earth, can so eloquently put into words, the life that is a bereaved parent. Men don't typically show emotion or that they are struggling and he invariably doesn't post a lot about it but he did post an insightful blog post today, marking 100 days since his boy got his wings. He hits every single nail on the head and I pondered to myself, could I have done that at 100 days after losing my eldest? I don't think so. He is inspiring for me because of his frankness and honesty and his beautiful boy, will hold a place in my heart forever.
So I guess you can say I am at a life analysing cross roads at the moment. Not that I will analyse for too long, I have learned to just live with life as it comes as trying to think too far ahead is like trying to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
x
