There has been a couple of deaths in the heart world that has impacted on me. The first being Ned - a four year old HLHS-er who under went his Fontan. He came back from surgery well and he took a bad turn about a week post-op. he developed septicaemia and in the end, it took his life.
I felt heart broken for this little boy, and his family - whom I never met, just followed online. We were devastated with losing our boy with 4 months of memories but they had 4 years; Ned is also one half of a twin who is heart healthy.
We visited our boys on Sunday gone, as part of our weekly ritual. I said to them to look after Ned and show him around. I went to tell Charlie that Ned is bigger than him when I realised actually they are the same age.
Another blow to my emotions.
I've been supporting a young mum who only had 15 precious days with her HLHS princess; it makes me feel so good. She's told me I will never know how much I have helped her. I just wish someone took my hand 3 years and 10 months ago. I even shared 2 pictures of Charlie - taken after he died - no one else has ever seen those. But I offered to her because she was unsure of seeing her princess before she was buried today.
I didn't cry at them, just remembered. Think this is apt:
"In life we loved you dearly,
In Death we love you still."
So I have silently assessed where I am in life and I almost wish I could confidently say I'm proud of where I am now on the long path of grief. I've wholly accepted how I have changed as a person and how losing my children has made me stronger with not accepting bullsh!t.
I have so many good friends in my life because I have built up the walls and they are the ones who have tried and successfully gotten through. I no longer let people in willingly and I know who I can turn to when I need to 'sort myself out'.
Friendships are built through many platforms and thanks to the world of Facebook, it is easier to keep in touch and update people in a mass context. However, just like texts and emails, sometimes things can be misconstrued or come across in the manner they perhaps were not intended. But when should the benefit of doubt be put in place and how long for? How long before it becomes paranoia or personal insecurities? If it is indeed that.
I try to be a straight down the line kinda gal - I don't always reach out easily to anyone, husband, sister, parents, best friends - but am always there for everyone. Yes I tend to brood on things and psycho-analyse myself and things a lot - does that make me paranoid or insecure?
Okay, I admit, I am insecure - about my weight, my looks, petty and trivial things - but who isn't?
Who's life is that perfect that they always have rainbows and no rain???
Without plastic surgery I cannot change my looks... However, I am changing my weight. I hate, loathe, being fat. That said, weigh in this week saw a 4lb loss. And slimmer of the week. Again. I think I am in the zone... Almost!
A positive note in a oddity post.
Another positive is I had the most beautiful cuddles with my gorgeous god daughter this week. She's so precious and dear to me, like my two other god children but fate (or my boys??) brought her family and us together. Her parents don't realise how much I treasure their friendship and having them in my life and will never know how privileged I feel for being a big part of their lives.
So today is a new day... what will the future bring? It may be in our hands but fate and destiny play a big part too!
Another positive is I had the most beautiful cuddles with my gorgeous god daughter this week. She's so precious and dear to me, like my two other god children but fate (or my boys??) brought her family and us together. Her parents don't realise how much I treasure their friendship and having them in my life and will never know how privileged I feel for being a big part of their lives.
So today is a new day... what will the future bring? It may be in our hands but fate and destiny play a big part too!
