I am feeling a bit bleurgh if I am honest. I can't pinpoint why.
Just bleurgh.
Felt it all week really. My daddy was in hospital last week overnight and I got upset. It wasn't life threatening (though if he carried on moaning I think mammy would have been done for murder! :D) but it hit me how suddenly actually they are getting older. My mammy is generally the one more prone to being ill - though last time she was admitted was when she broke her wrist and hip. It just hit me, that one day they are going to die and whilst the thought of it petrifies me, it also hit me how comforting it would be knowing my boys had someone they knew. Okay, I know the youngest didn't actually 'meet' them but I know what I mean.
I think also it's because Princess's vocabulary is coming along alot now.... she can say their names and when you ask where they live she points to the sky. We are also wondering if they are visiting her and playing with her.
Why?
Well a number of things but at the weekend, she was playing in her room and we were getting ready to go out and called her. She came out of the room, babbling, as you do when you're two, and went to close her door (a new obsession: closing doors). She said 'Oh-no!' went back in, and waved and said 'bye', 'bye', as if she was playing with someone. Husband rather not think it but it brings me comfort that they are playing with her and then I wished they were here to play with her in real life.
Now, I'm crying. God dammit.
It's so hard.
Anyone who thinks this path is easy, needs their heads testing.
I was doing the accounts for the charity and realised I could go back and download everything since our JustGiving page was set up; so I read all the donations from when my eldest died.
I cried again.
It made me realise that some friendships are worth hanging on to. Even that friend I wrote about a couple weeks ago.
We have been through so much. I loved her message when he died. I loved how she tried to make it to his funeral. A lot of things have been said in the last couple of weeks and I have been left wondering if there is a friendship there but I am trying not to obsess and think things will work out for the best.
So I have been emotional, down trodden and generally bleurgh.... I can say that we started potty training Princess (she started by taking her nappy off to do a poo on the potty) and we had a good first week, bad second week and slowly turning a corner again today. The accidents the last couple days are more when we are not getting to the potty in time but they can be few and far between!
Hoping I snap out of this bleurghness soon!
xxx
