Anti-depressants

About a month or so ago, I decided to come off the medication. I had read numerous things about the side-effects and wondered if I "really" needed them. 

So I tried.

Except I do "really" need them.

I just need the chemical balance to keep me bordering on normal I guess. As the medication got out of my system, I found myself becoming increasingly emotional, anxious, depressive, tired, withdrawn and OCDs creeping back in.

I can feel myself losing the grip on the milestones I had made. For example, I used to never be able to go out to the local town on my own. I could do this comfortably before, I just managed to cope with town-town but we go so infrequently its not an issue.

I have found excuses not to go to the local town lately.

I realised on Sunday afternoon that perhaps actually I wasn't coping. You see, my best friend turns 40 soon and she has planned a girlie weekend in London. I have 'talked' to myself since it was booked so I know I am going away for 2 nights from Husband and Princess (which if you remember I have only gone 1 night away from her and that was March 2012). I was discussing said trip with best friend and writing down the itinerary (another OCD - lists!) and she said Saturday we can do anything, we don't have to stay with everyone (there is a large group of us!) but in that moment I had a panic attack - I don't want to be left alone. I cling to security and she will be my security that weekend. 

So I started the tablets again.

Hopefully, my mood will pick up again soon and I'll be more 'normal' again.

The Weather

I'd like to think that at this current moment in time the weather is reflective of my mood. Sometimes sunny. Sometimes pissing down with rain. Sometimes it's okay. Sometimes it's a bit bleurgh.

I don't really have anything to add to that because basically it's how I feel. I thought I'd eradicated some of the bleurghness by having a good old deleting session on Facebook - it was getting me down being ignored, being invisible, and I'd taken as about much as I can from those I deleted. 

My baby boy will have moved to Heaven 6 weeks tomorrow. I cannot share in your excitement of "so-so has put her school shoes on and is all excited" or "aw my baby is all grown up trying on her school uniform"; because you know what, I should be doing that too! There is only one little princess who's mummy and daddy I will cry with on her first school day because her mummy is one of my best friends and doesn't make me feel worthless!

So the good news for all my readers is the heat wave is supposed to be back next week..... Maybe my mood will improve ;-)

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Hello world of blog readers... and I know people read these as I finally looked at my insights (go me!) anyway.... thanks for reading....

I am feeling a bit bleurgh if I am honest. I can't pinpoint why.

Just bleurgh.

Felt it all week really. My daddy was in hospital last week overnight and I got upset. It wasn't life threatening (though if he carried on moaning I think mammy would have been done for murder! :D) but it hit me how suddenly actually they are getting older. My mammy is generally the one more prone to being ill - though last time she was admitted was when she broke her wrist and hip. It just hit me, that one day they are going to die and whilst the thought of it petrifies me, it also hit me how comforting it would be knowing my boys had someone they knew. Okay, I know the youngest didn't actually 'meet' them but I know what I mean.

I think also it's because Princess's vocabulary is coming along alot now.... she can say their names and when you ask where they live she points to the sky. We are also wondering if they are visiting her and playing with her.

Why?

Well a number of things but at the weekend, she was playing in her room and we were getting ready to go out and called her. She came out of the room, babbling, as you do when you're two, and went to close her door (a new obsession: closing doors). She said 'Oh-no!' went back in, and waved and said 'bye', 'bye', as if she was playing with someone. Husband rather not think it but it brings me comfort that they are playing with her and then I wished they were here to play with her in real life.

Now, I'm crying. God dammit.

It's so hard.

Anyone who thinks this path is easy, needs their heads testing.

I was doing the accounts for the charity and realised I could go back and download everything since our JustGiving page was set up; so I read all the donations from when my eldest died. 

I cried again.

It made me realise that some friendships are worth hanging on to. Even that friend I wrote about a couple weeks ago.

We have been through so much. I loved her message when he died. I loved how she tried to make it to his funeral. A lot of things have been said in the last couple of weeks and I have been left wondering if there is a friendship there but I am trying not to obsess and think things will work out for the best.

So I have been emotional, down trodden and generally bleurgh.... I can say that we started potty training Princess (she started by taking her nappy off to do a poo on the potty) and we had a good first week, bad second week and slowly turning a corner again today. The accidents the last couple days are more when we are not getting to the potty in time but they can be few and far between!

Hoping I snap out of this bleurghness soon!

xxx

Reflections

It's hit me this evening that in 2 months time, I last saw my eldest 4 years ago. How quickly does time go???

There has been a couple of deaths in the heart world that has impacted on me. The first being Ned - a four year old HLHS-er who under went his Fontan. He came back from surgery well and he took a bad turn about a week post-op. he developed septicaemia and in the end, it took his life.

I felt heart broken for this little boy, and his family - whom I never met, just followed online. We were devastated with losing our boy with 4 months of memories but they had 4 years; Ned is also one half of a twin who is heart healthy.

We visited our boys on Sunday gone, as part of our weekly ritual. I said to them to look after Ned and show him around. I went to tell Charlie that Ned is bigger than him when I realised actually they are the same age. 

Another blow to my emotions.

I've been supporting a young mum who only had 15 precious days with her HLHS princess; it makes me feel so good. She's told me I will never know how much I have helped her. I just wish someone took my hand 3 years and 10 months ago. I even shared 2 pictures of Charlie - taken after he died - no one else has ever seen those. But I offered to her because she was unsure of seeing her princess before she was buried today.

I didn't cry at them, just remembered. Think this is apt:

"In life we loved you dearly,

In Death we love you still." 

So I have silently assessed where I am in life and I almost wish I could confidently say I'm proud of where I am now on the long path of grief. I've wholly accepted how I have changed as a person and how losing my children has made me stronger with not accepting bullsh!t.

I have so many good friends in my life because I have built up the walls and they are the ones who have tried and successfully gotten through. I no longer let people in willingly and I know who I can turn to when I need to 'sort myself out'.

Friendships are built through many platforms and thanks to the world of Facebook, it is easier to keep in touch and update people in a mass context. However, just like texts and emails, sometimes things can be misconstrued or come across in the manner they perhaps were not intended. But when should the benefit of doubt be put in place and how long for? How long before it becomes paranoia or personal insecurities? If it is indeed that. 

I try to be a straight down the line kinda gal - I don't always reach out easily to anyone, husband, sister, parents, best friends - but am always there for everyone. Yes I tend to brood on things and psycho-analyse myself and things a lot - does that make me paranoid or insecure?

Okay, I admit, I am insecure - about my weight, my looks, petty and trivial things - but who isn't?

Who's life is that perfect that they always have rainbows and no rain??? 

Without plastic surgery I cannot change my looks... However, I am changing my weight. I hate, loathe, being fat. That said, weigh in this week saw a 4lb loss. And slimmer of the week. Again. I think I am in the zone... Almost!

A positive note in a oddity post.

Another positive is I had the most beautiful cuddles with my gorgeous god daughter this week. She's so precious and dear to me, like my two other god children but fate (or my boys??) brought her family and us together. Her parents don't realise how much I treasure their friendship and having them in my life and will never know how privileged I feel for being a big part of their lives.

So today is a new day... what will the future bring? It may be in our hands but fate and destiny play a big part too!