I thought I would peter out the blog, because I felt I didn't need it.
It's been 5 months and I feel like I have nowhere to release thoughts or feelings and I miss the blog.
I don't write things for attention - very far from it! - I write it because it helps me work through everything.
I thought I was coping.
I thought I could do this.
Perhaps, I just can't.
So in 5 months, I've had an amazing holiday and a massive blow to my health. I feel increasingly alone yet am surrounded by people I know who would listen if I would just talk.
But I can't. I can't verbally express everything I am feeling, every thought I have. Why? Just because, I don't want sympathy. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay. I know it won't be but knowing that means alot.
This week, one of my best friends, she is simply wonderful; sent me a card. She only lives a 5min car journey away but she has no idea how much I needed that. I know she reads this from time to time and I don't always say it but I love you hunny. You quite possibly saved me, from me.
I found the eldest's anniversary so very hard this year. Princess started Pre-School in September; such a huge milestone that I should have done twice over already. I cried the first day I left her. It was also the first year she was not with us on his anniversary.
Don't get me wrong, it was truly nice to be able to let it all out without upsetting her. We always try and make things regarding her brothers happy. It is our sadness, not hers. We cry in private, away from her. She is just this happy soul, who does not question why she has two brothers in Heaven, why she has two guardian angels. She is just happy to have two brothers. But we missed her. We missed her happy soul distracting us from the pain. My husband had asked me not to do the clock watching in front of him. So I did it privately. My heart broke again at 9.30am. And shattered into tiny pieces again at 10.50am. I would give anything to hold him again, dead or alive. Because then I know this isn't a bad dream and it really did happen. I looked at 'the' pictures again. As morbid and awful as it sounds, the ones where he was gone. No one looks at them except for us. Every now and then I just have to look at them, just to know it was real.
5 years old. He would have been 5 years old. 5 is just SOOOOOO much older than 4. They are no longer babies at 5, but growing into proper boys. I can see him. I can see that he is big and he is happy but again that breaks my heart. They haven't visited in a long time. Since the last time I blogged about their visit. I don't know why and I don't question it. I still feel them. I know there has been alot going on and perhaps I haven't opened as much. I miss them. Terribly.
I'm struggling health wise and an appointment today has left me despairing of life. The medical professional has made me feel like a fraud and I have pushed myself to all limits this afternoon because he made me feel that way. I just want to be believed. I just want the right help. I am fed up of being judged. He has no idea what I have been through. My husband wants me to write and complain. I just don't have the energy. I need him to come with me in the future. I've made an appointment to see my amazing GP. A double appointment. She's the only one who understands. Though because she is amazing, she is fully booked for two weeks. But that's okay. Gives me time to sort myself out.
It's times like now, late at night, the horrible thoughts creep in. About not wanting to be here any more. My whole life exists in this house. My husband. My daughter. My cat. My dog. My memories of my boys. I know I am being reclusive, I know I am brushing it off when people ask I am okay.
A friend asked me yesterday if I was okay. It came out without thinking 'yeah, I'm okay'. Her reply? 'You're not though are you?'. 'No I said, but I have to be'. She then walked away. Why ask? Why let me actually say those words and walk away.
I feel so alone. I sit here and think of everyone's life going on outside the door and how I just cannot sum up the energy to leave the house to be apart of the world. I am a robot. I am purely going through the daily motions of every day life because I have to.
I just have to get on with life, don't I? There isn't an option to curl up and die.
All I can do is sit here, in private, and cry, and then show the world that brave face.
