Today is the eve of my youngest's 4th birthday.
Surprisingly, I am okay. I haven't broken down, I haven't emotionally ate.
I am teary thinking of what should have been, what could have been, should I have done what I did? I don't think I will ever be at peace with the decision, not until I see him.
Due to the car accident, we won't be able to go to the Zoo as we usually do. I mean, we could. But it would cost us more than actually getting into the Zoo and be so complicated. But I am okay about it. It's not my fault, well techincally the car accident was my fault, but I know what I mean.
We've made cakes, we have balloons - one to send to Heaven, and some to decorate the headstone. We have a banner, badge and cards. Seem so little but so much.
My littlest boy will be 4 tomorrow, 4 years of wishing I was brave enough to hold him and kiss him and tell him how loved he is. But I whisper these to the summer butterflies, the twinkling stars at night, the bright rainbows that seem to be everywhere at the moment.
For the first time, I truly am okay.
