This Time 3 Years Ago

It was our first wedding anniversary but it was also the start of things changing for our eldest.

He wore clothes for the first time, the next day I got to hold him, then he was extubated... all little milestones but it never leaves you.

For the 142 days I had my boy, I can probably tell you 75% of the things we did (significant things).

p.s Happy Anniversary to the man who is my rock, my soul mate and the most wonderful daddy in the world.

Coped

Eldest's 3rd Birthday.

It doesn't get any easier, no matter how much time has passed. However, rather than focus too much on the sadness, I love to celebrate his birthday.

Why?

For without his birth, I would never be who I am today. He shaped me. 

From the moment he was conceived. 

To the moment we were told he was a boy

To the moment we were told he was a heart baby

From the moment he was born

From the countless triumphs from when he was in hospital

From the moment he came home

... From the moment he died...

You see, when I write that and say that, I have the biggest smile on my face, until I get to the last moment. Then I am sad.

Today we had a lovely day as a family, we took them balloons and the cheeky monkeys 'stole' them from under our noses to whisk them up to Heaven. How we laughed. They got caught in over head wires so are still there. Another sign that they are always there!

I made a cake for him, we read some cards. We went for lunch and celebrated his life. Yes there was sadness but also much happiness for the most gorgeous 3 year old Heaven has right now!

Happy Birthday Baby xx

Struggling...

Today is the 8th May. In 4 days my eldest will turn 3. I am emotionally fragile at the moment.

What would he be in to? What does he look like? What does his voice sound like? What's his smile like?

I am going to have a 3 year old but I last saw him at 4 1/2 months old.

I miss my boy so very much. He was my world, he still is. All my babies are.

It is even harder as princess is being testing at the moment. I want my loving girl back but she's also emotional!

Gosh, this never gets easier.